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Thanksgiving Turkey

Sure, everyone loves the sides, but the turkey is the star of the show.

Cook this right, and your family will stop taking about you behind your back

Thanksgiving Turkey
20 lb turkey should serve 10-12 (they say 1 lb per person, but that's bullshit - no one eats bones)

INGREDIENTS

• 12-20 lb turkey, fresh if possible (you can also use a frozen turkey, but this will require days of prep work: you need to plan for thawing. This takes 3-5 days in the fridge, 6-10 hours using the cold water method). Note: I vote "bigger is better here." Thanksgiving leftovers are the reason you decided to host this year
• 1 stick of butter, softened
• 2 lemons, halved
• 2 onions, quartered
• 4 cups water
• Bunch of fresh thyme
• Salt and pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Remove turkey giblets and neck from the cavity - you can either use those for something else or thrown them away (we won't need them here)
2. Rinse the turkey well and pat-dry. Generously salt the inside of the turkey (like, 3-4 Tbs of kosher salt)
3. Squeeze the lemon halves into the turkey. Stuff squeezed lemon halves, 4 onion quarters, and bunch of thyme into the bird. Tie the ends of the legs together with a piece of kitchen string*
4. Position the turkey in a rack inside a roasting pan.
5. Rub the turkey with the stick of butter - yes, the whole stick. Wash your hands 3-4x to get that butter off (gross)
6. Salt & pepper the outside of the turkey. Pour water and remaining 4 onion quarters into the bottom of the roasting pan. Roast in a 325 degree oven until the temperature in the deepest part of the breast registers 170 degrees (about 4 hours). Check after two hours, then after one hour, then every 30 mins thereafter - don't let this turkey overcook, dammit!
7. Remove from oven. Take the entire rack with turkey on it from the roasting pan and put on a half-sheet pan (cookie sheet), and cover loosely with foil for 30 minutes. This is the rest, and it is very important.
8. Use pan drippings to make gravy (another recipe)
9. After rest, carve the turkey and eat.

FAQs

• What is the deal with "kitchen sting?" >> Make sure you use something that won't fray or affect your food. Remember the blue soup from Bridget Jones' Diary? Don't let that happen
• What if I want to cook stuffing INSIDE the bird? >> Then this is not your recipe. I don't cook stuffing in the bird, and neither should you. It will extend the amount of time needed to get this bird to the correct temperature, and increase the risk of dry turkey. Dry turkey sucks.
• How do I reserve the pan drippings? >> When the turkey is done, pour the juice into a large glass measuring cup. Or, if you have a gravy separator, use that (this is it's time to shine!) Let it sit for a while, the fat will rise to the top (you can speed the separation by putting the juice in the fridge), and then you can skim it off with a spoon, or, if you have a gravy separator, you can pour gently and the flavorful juices will pour and the fat will be left - brilliant!
• What about basting? >> I don't baste. The problem with basting is that you're not adding any moisture back into the meat. AND, with opening the oven door so many times, you're lowering the temperature of the oven, and extending the amount of time the bird will need to cook - increasing the risk of getting a dry turkey (again)
• What's the best way to carve? >> With an electric knife, I like to first remove the legs and thighs. Then I cut-off both breasts as a whole. Once the breast is removed, you can slice it easily. Carving at the table is for Norman Rockwell paintings - I want it done right for eating, not for art.

Thanksgiving Timeline

We're getting closer and closer to zero-hour. What should your schedule look like? Good question, let's go-through the steps:

If you don't have a good schedule - the day might get away from you

Remember the menu:

• Turkey
• Stuffing
• Mashed potatoes
• Sweet potatoes
• Cranberry sauce
• Rolls
• Corn
• etc.

The rolls and corn are easy last-minute items; we need a plan to address the other items.

Turkey: I buy fresh, so there is no thawing, but if you buy frozen, make sure you buy with ample time to thaw. According to the Butterball people, you'll need 3 full days to thaw a 12 lb mini-turkey in the fridge and 5 days to thaw a 20 pounder. If you've already blown the schedule, you can cold-water thaw a 12 lb turkey in 6 hours and a 20 lb turkey in 10.

Stuffing: This is mostly a "day-of" activity, but you can cut the bread the day before and store in plastic storage bags.

Mashed potatoes & sweet potatoes: Day-of.

Cranberry sauce: This can and should be made the day before. Hooray, TIME SAVER!

Other: Any other casseroles you're planning to make can likely be made early - check the recipe for anything that looks like it will be trouble. But this is the reason like to make casseroles - they are mostly foolproof.

Ok, let's talk schedule and timing. I'm going to assume that you're eating dinner at 4:00 pm. The Bears game is at 11:30 CT and should end in triumph ~2:30. And this will give you ~90 mins to finish-up the cooking without missing any of the glorious action.

BEFORE WEDNESDAY of THANKSGIVING

• If you've bought a frozen bird, put it in the fridge at a time that will allow it to be thawed by Thursday morning. (20 lb should be in the fridge on Saturday morning, 12 lb can wait until Monday)
• Do your shopping. If you plan it right, you can have everything you need well in advance, and not have to do battle at the supermarket for the last pound of butter.

WEDNESDAY of THANKSGIVING

• Cranberry sauce
• Cut-up bread for stuffing
• The time is not important for these tasks - just fit them somewhere in your day. Remember: since you're cooking, you're allowed to tip-back a few and bask in the hazy insobriety of a holiday
• Get any cold-temp wines into the fridge (kids cold duck and any white/rose wines)
• Set the table (or have someone set the table - my wife will be handling all the preparations, which frees me from having to worry about all that happy horseshit)

THANKSGIVING

• 6:00 am: you've slept long enough
• 6:00 - 7:00: Shit/shower/shave - get coffee - eat something for breakfast - might I recommend a Thanksgiving Bloody Mary?

Thanksgiving Bloody Mary Recipe

• Just like a regular Bloody Mary, but on Thanksgiving morning. If you're cooking, the family will have to work-around you and your alcohol consumption
• Try to limit it to 2: you will be handling knives, fire, and people's food

• 7:00 - 7:15: Check that you have everything you need for the day
• Food
• Utensils
• Wine (Beaujolais is the classic Thanksgiving wine, but I'm going with a pink moscato this year)
• Whatnot
• If you're missing anything, make a list and send someone you trust to go get them
• 7:15 - 7:30: Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees
• 7:30 - 8:30: Roast the sweet potatoes. Why so early? So you can get those out of the way before you put the turkey in there. Some people would say, "Hey, roast the potatoes while the turkey is cooking." To those people, I say, "Hey, dumbass, I want to limit the amount of opening and closing of the oven while the turkey is cooking. Now, STFU, and get out of my kitchen!"
• 8:30: Lower oven temp to 250 degrees. Put roasted sweet potatoes aside for later. Don't worry about putting them in the fridge, let them cool to room temp, and you can prepare the casserole later
• 8:30 - 9:15: 
• Bake the cut-up bread for stuffing at 250 degrees for 45-60 mins
• Prep the veggies that need to be cut
• Onion for stuffing - store in a plastic bag in the fridge
• Celery for stuffing - store in a plastic bag in the fridge
• Note: there's a lot of slack time here. It doesn't take 30 mins to cut an onion and a few stalks of celery, but you'll need a little slack time to make sure things aren't getting fucked-up
• 9:15 - 10:00: 
• Check the bread - if it's done at 9:15, remove it from the oven and put aside (in a large bowl), otherwise let it finish for 10-15 more mins
• Prep the turkey
• Remove from fridge
• Remove giblets and neck from cavity
• Rinse and pat-dry
• 9:45 raise the oven temperature to 325 degrees
• Cut-up lemon/onion for inside the bird
• Finish getting turkey ready for oven
• 10:00: Put the turkey in the oven
• 10:00 - 3:00: Cook the turkey (this is the time for a 20 lb bird - a smaller turkey will cook faster, so adjust your "in-oven" time as necessary)
• You will check the bird at noon, 1:00, and 2:00 to see how it's going. If you do this right, the turkey will cook a little faster than you expect: this is fine, it's easy to keep turkey warm after it's cooked
• 10:00 - 10:30: Make the stuffing (saute vegetables, mix with bread, put in baking dish, put baking dish aside until later)
• 10:30 - 11:00: Make the sweet potatoes (toast the pecans, mash the potatoes, mix together with everything, put in baking dish, put baking dish aside until later)
• 11:00 - 11:30: Clean-up a little. Crack a beer. Stake-out a comfortable place to watch the game.
• 11:30 - 2:30: Bears game - GO BEARS!
• Check turkey at noon, 1:00, and 2:00. Set a timer so you don't forget
• 2:30: 
• Turkey will be done very soon (if not already). When it's done, remove from oven, put in a safe place, and cover with foil. This is called "resting," and is necessary. You should rest the turkey for 30 mins. You can stretch this to 60 mins if the bird is wrapped carefully and kept warm
• If the turkey is done too early, you can either step-up the dinner and eat earlier, or carve the turkey after 60 min rest, and put the cut turkey into the warm oven to keep warm
• Pour the pan drippings from the turkey in a glass measuring cup and let sit. You might use these for gravy 
• 2:30: Raise the oven temperature to 375 degrees.
• 2:30 - 3:30:
• Start the mashed potatoes: peel and cut-up potatoes, put in water, boil/simmer for 40 mins
• Cook the stuffing. Put the stuffing on the lower rack - you will cook something above the stuffing soon
• 3:00: Take the cranberry sauce out of the fridge - you don't want it to be too cold: it will hurt grandpa's sensitive tooth!
• 3:00 - 3:30:
• Cook the sweet potatoes. Put on the rack above the stuffing. The recipe calls for 400 degrees for 20 mins, we're going to do 375 degrees for 30 mins. Check after 20 mins to see that it's not getting crusty on top
• Start the gravy. By now, if the pan drippings show any promise, the fat will have separated from the juice. Remove as much fat as possible (you can do this with a spoon - a little fat leftover is ok) and it's ready to use.
• 3:15: The mashed potatoes should be soft and ready to rice. Do it. Put potatoes into something decorative and cover to keep warm
• 3:30 - 4:00:
• Cook the corn (simple, in a pot with a little water, covered, should take 10-15 mins total)
• "Brown" the brown n serve rolls (check the instructions on the package and follow)
• 4:00: Eat.

Wow, when you see it all written-out like this, it is a TON OF SHIT! You should feel proud if you can pull this off. Remember: half-witted people have been cranking-out Thanksgiving dinners for generations - you should be able to make this happen.

Thanksgiving: Stuffing

Another step on the road to Thanksgiving success: stuffing or dressing. I suppose you can call it "stuffing" if you cook it in the bird and "dressing" if you don't. I'm from Chicago - we call it "stuffing" here regardless. And no, you won't cook this in the bird.

"Why not?"

There are two reasons: one good reason and one medium reason:

• Good reason: cooking stuffing in the bird will extend the amount of time you will need to get the turkey to done. The longer the bird cooks, the dryer it will get. In-bird stuffing creates a dry turkey :(
• Medium reason: eating stuffing that was in close-contact with a dead bird carcass increases the risk of bacterial problems - even for a carefully cooked dinner. I don't really worry about that because I am hearty and hale; but your weakened relations might be on the edge. Wait, this might be the perfect opportunity to speed a few family members to Valhalla - I'll have to think about this...

Bad-Ass Stuffing
Serves 10-12 "responsible" adults; fewer fat people

Another place to pour some gravy? Thanks!

INGREDIENTS

• 2 lb sandwich bread (this year, I'm using a mix of white and wheat)
• 4 Tbs butter (you're in the big leagues now!)
• 1 large onion, chopped fine
• 3 celery stalks, chopped fine
• 2 Tbs fresh thyme, minced
• 2 Tbs fresh sage, minced
• 2 1/2 cups turkey stock
• 3 eggs
• 3 Tbs fresh parsley, chopped
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cut bread into 1/2" cubes, spread on two half-sheet pans, and cook in a 250 degree oven for 45-60 minutes. The goal is to dry-out the bread cubes, but not turn them into croutons. Stir the bread cubes every 10 minutes or so - they're done when the edges have dried, but the centers are still a little soft. Put the bread into a large (seriously, LARGE) bowl. THIS CAN BE DONE THE DAY BEFORE! If so, store the bread in large plastic bags until the next day.
2. Melt butter in a skillet over medium heat. When foaming subsides, add the onion, celery, and 1/2 tsp salt, and cook until tender - about 8 minutes. Add thyme, sage, and 1 tsp black pepper, and cook for another 30 seconds - just to wake-up the herbs. Add 1 cup turkey broth and heat to simmer.
3. Stir the vegetable/broth mix into the bowl of bread cubes - toss to combine.
4. Meanwhile, in another bowl, mix eggs, remaining 1 1/2 cups of broth, parsley, and 1 tsp salt. Add to bread mix and toss to combine.
5. Grease a 9x13 baking dish with butter. Add stuffing mixture to the baking dish and bake at 375 degrees for 60 minutes. 
6. Done. You can fluff it with a fork to make it easier to serve.

FAQs

• What is sandwich bread? >> You know, "sandwich bread." The kind of bread you would use in a sandwich. You want something with a finer texture. You know Italian bread or French bread? Those are no good - too many air holes.
• What's the best way to cut the bread? I have shitty knives >> I recommend a serrated knife for this job. Also, you can let the bread sit on the counter for a bit to slightly dry-out. That should make it a little easier to cut.
• What if I didn't follow your recommendations and don't have turkey stock? >> Well, that's a shame, but they do sell turkey stock at the grocery store - especially around Thanksgiving. Or, you can use chicken stock. Lame, but people will still know it's stuffing.
• I like in-the-bird stuffing: it tastes more like turkey >> Using turkey stock should help that. You can also bake the stuffing with cooked turkey on-top: cook a turkey wing in a skillet over medium-high heat for ~5 minutes per side. Put the cooked wing on-top of the stuffing while it's baking in the oven. The juices and "essence" from the turkey wing will drip into the stuffing. Discard the wing before serving (give it to the dog). To me, it sounds like too much work, but you might be just the kind of person who wants to bark-up that tree - good luck!

Thanksgiving: Turkey Stock

There are a lot of things that need to happen in-order for you to escape from Thanksgiving holding your head high - pride in a job well done. Turkey stock is the first.

"Why first?"

First, because I said so. Second, because you will need the stock for the stuffing and the gravy. Also, turkey stock can be made weeks before (I'm making mine the weekend before), and will turn a one/two day cooking sprint into a week-long cooking marathon. Then you can proclaim to your health-conscious friends, "Yes, I did a marathon this year." (now fuck off!)

I've already published a turkey stock recipe as a part of the turkey gravy recipe, but let's give this special attention:

1.5 gallons of turkey stock. Ready for gravy and stuffing

Turkey Stock
Makes 1.5 gallons (should be enough for 1 Thanksgiving)

INGREDIENTS

• Various turkey parts (I use necks and wings)
• 2 onions
• 2 carrots
• 2 celery stalks
• salt
• 6-10 whole peppercorns

Carrot: don't bother peeling, just wash

Onion: peel and cut-off top and bottom

Celery: wash - you can leave-the tops on

INSTRUCTIONS

1. With your biggest and scariest kitchen knife, BEAT THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF THOSE TURKEY PARTS! The goal is to open-up the bones so the stock can take what it needs from them. It's all about the bones.
2. Put the turkey parts in a pan, coat with ~1 Tbs vegetable oil, sprinkle with some salt, and roast in a 400 degree oven for 1 hour. This will allow your stock to benefit from the roasty flavors you're about to drop all up in there.

Put into a roasting pan, cover with oil, sprinkle with salt, roast at 400 for 60 minutes

3. Meanwhile, halve 2 onions, 2 celery ribs, and 2 carrots, and drop into a large pot (your largest) with the whole peppercorns.
4. When the turkey parts are roasted, add them to the pot and then add 1.5 gallons or enough water to cover everything by an inch or two (whichever is more) and cover.

Dump the turkey from the roasting pan into the pot. Check-out all the left-over bits (fond) from the roasting pan. DON'T LOSE IT! Put a little water in the pan, use a spatula to scrape-up the bits, and add those to the stock. That's good flavor - it'll be a shame to lose it

5. Bring up to a boil, and then drop the heat to just under a simmer for 3 hours. "Skew" the lid -- which means to slide it open just a bit. This will retain the heat, but allow some steam to escape (prevent boil-overs). If the liquid drops below the ingredients, add enough water to cover by an inch or two.
6. Pour the stock through a fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth and store it. You are ready for Thanksgiving success with homemade stock.

I used a measuring cup to transfer the stock from the pot to a large bowl - through a wire mesh strainer with a three-ply piece of cheesecloth. Make a clean stock!

FAQs

• Turkey parts, are you serious? >> Yeah, you can't make a stock without parts. I like the necks and wings because there's a good amount of bone and connective tissue there, and that's what will make you a good stock. BONUS FOR DOG: when the stock is complete, you can pull-off the meat from the neck and wings and use it to supplement the dog's dinner - he'll love you forever
• Roast the turkey, are you serious? >> Yeah, turkey gravy is dark. You won't have dark gravy without a dark stock. You won't have a dark stock unless you roast them parts. So get on it!
• Onion, carrots, celery, and peppercorns - is that it? I thought there'd be more things >> Nope, that's it. I have seen the addition of a bouquet garni (French for "garnished bouquet"), but didn't think you had it in you... If so, tie some parsley sprigs, thyme sprigs, and a few bay leaves together with some kitchen string, and drop it in the stock. Be sure to remove it at the end. It's a nice addition, but the stock will still be good without it.
• How do I store this and for how long? >> You can store this in the fridge for up to a week. So, if you make it the weekend before Thanksgiving, park it in the fridge. Otherwise, you can pour it into quart sized bags (2 cups of stock per bag) and lay them flat in the freezer. They will freeze flat like book, and can then be stored like a library of stocks in your freezer - awesome, no?
• How sober and attentive will I need to be to make the stock? >> Not very. I made while watching the Bears game.

Thanksgiving: What Will You Need to Pull This Off?

Let's plan ahead. How will you cook all the food that you will need to serve to your hungry hungry hippos - or hungry hungry family.

Will you have to go-broke buying extra cookware? No, but it's fun!

What hardware will you need?

• 2 gallon stock pot (or bigger)
• To make turkey stock
• To make mashed potatoes
• For some reason, most cookware sizes in the US are measured in quarts: 2 gallons = 8 quarts.
• Roasting pan
• For the turkey. If your roasting pan is a little rusted/pitted at the bottom, you should just go buy a throw-away foil one from the grocery store. $5 max, and clean-up is a non-issue. If you have a $200 All-Clad one from your bridal shower, use it - this is it's one time per year appearance. Only 39 more times before it becomes a bargain over the throw-away foil pan.
• Cheap roasting pan
• To roast the sweet potatoes. You can certainly break-out the All-Clad, but if you have a cheap metal cake pan or glass 13x9 baking dish - it will do the job
• Attractive baking dish
• For stuffing. You will want to bake the stuffing in a dish that can be put on the table
• Ricer
• For mashed potatoes. My recipe calls for the cooked potatoes to be "riced." A ricer is a hand-held press that squishes the potatoes through small rice-sized holes. This action results in the most tender potatoes possible. Some people use a potato masher - perish the thought - what is this, a penitentiary?

Ricer on the left; masher on the right

• Half-sheet pan (a.k.a. cookie sheet)
• For stuffing. You will toast the bread in the half-sheet pan.
• For the brown n serve rolls. We're not making home-made bread - we have enough to do
• Medium saucepan
• For cranberry sauce
• Gravy boat
• If you're ready to cook Thanksgiving, you're ready to own a gravy boat
• Big-ass knife
• For chopping
• And murder, if necessary
• Some other things you'll need:
• Tin foil: don't try to wheeze-past with regular foil - get heavy duty!
• Paper towels: it's going to get messy. Be ready for clean-up
• Gallon-sized plastic zip-top bags: for leftovers and whatnot
• Kitchen string: you'll want to tie the turkey legs together while cooking; pick-up some string
• Anything else can likely be accomplished with the stuff you already have lying around

Thanksgiving: The Most ... Wonderful Time ... of the Year!

Since I want your Thanksgiving to be successful, and filled with warm memories, I'm putting-together a series of posts about Thanksgiving, and how you can make yours as good as mine (good luck, losers)

A bird this ugly should be eaten with your eyes closed

The Plan

Many people take a casual approach to cooking. Well, that shit won't fly for Thanksgiving. "Casual" is beer-league softball; this is the World Series. Get your A-game or GTFO!

Let's start Thanksgiving week by thinking of what we want to accomplish:

• Time-off from work - ok
• Warm family moments - I guess
• Football games (watch the Lions lose) - yes, I like this (GO BEARS!)
• Kick-ass food that will be remembered fondly forever - YES YES YES, THIS IS YOUR GOAL!!
• Get ready for Black Friday shopping - WTF? We put-up the tree that day.

With a clear objective, we're good to go. Let's talk about this year's menu:

• Turkey: the star of the show
• Sides: collectively, just as important as the bird
• Stuffing: oh yeah
• Mashed potatoes: required
• Sweet potatoes: usually lame, but I will teach you to make them good
• Corn: you need your vegetables
• Rolls: helps to clean-up the plate
• Cranberry sauce/jelly: I love the can-shaped cranberry jelly tube, but this year I'm adding a cranberry sauce. They will compete for my love
• Gravy: let's take a moment for gravy... OMG, a Thanksgiving without gravy is like a - well, there's no metaphor/simile that can finish this sentence. You simply cannot have Thanksgiving without a gravy. Period.

A note about the menu: you can see that there is no green bean casserole, no relish tray, and no dessert. Those things are all good - have your guests bring something (note: for 2014, mother-in-law is bringing broccoli casserole and dessert)

Since we can't cook everything at once, we'll need to project plan this MoFo to make sure we don't fuck things up. Here's the order we'll move forward:

Before Thanksgiving:

• Turkey stock (weekend before)
• Cranberry sauce (day before - or earlier)
• Begin the stuffing (day before)
• You might be able to prep some veggies the day before, but I am expert with the knife and like to do this as-needed on the day-of

Thanksgiving Day:

• Which leaves everything else for the day of
• You knew it wasn't going to be easy: sack-up, and get to work

I'll talk about detailed schedules in the recipes themselves. 

Don't get discouraged! Even you, with my expert help and attention, can probably craft a meal that will improve your worth and reputation. Let's get to it!