Recipe: Pizza Pizza

I frequently say, “I make the best pizza in McHenry County, IL.” It’s true, and until a Lou Malnati’s restaurant opened-up shop down the street, it wasn’t that impressive an accomplishment. But even with Lou’s down the street, this is still the best. I’ll let him have the “Chicago style” deep dish pizza honors, I focus on thin crust.

This recipe is broken into three parts: dough, sauce, and construction. Try to keep-up!




Pizza Dough
Makes enough for two “large” pizzas

INGREDIENTS

• 4 cups Bread Flour (No, it’s not ok to use A/P flour)
• 1 1/2 cups Warm Water (water should be between 100-110 degrees)
• 2 tsp Instant Dry Yeast
• 8 tsp Sugar (that’s 2 2/3 Tbs)
• 2 tsp Kosher Salt
• 2 Tbs Olive Oil

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a glass 2-cup measuring cup, mix the water, sugar, and yeast. Let sit for ~5 minutes to give the yeast a chance to “wake-up.”
2. In the bowl of your stand mixer, combine the flour and the salt.
3. Stir the yeast mixture to get the stuff off the bottom. Add the oil to the water and dump the whole thing into the mixer.
4. Using the dough hook, mix for 20 minutes on the lowest speed. Sometimes I've noticed that the dough is a little too sticky. If that's the case, you can add a few tablespoons of flour into the mixing bowl - that will help dry it out a little. Even though a sticky dough is a pain in the ass to work with, will make a more tender crust. 
5. Knead dough on the counter to form a ball – about 30 seconds. Cut the dough ball in half and roll each half into its own ball – about 1 minute.
6. Put each ball into a glass bowl that has been sprayed with non-stick spray (Pam) and cover with plastic wrap. Put into a warm place for 2+ hours.

FAQs

• Bread Flour? >> As I’ve said before, bread, all-purpose, and cake flours have different protein amounts. It’s the protein that allows the flour to develop gluten which is what gives bread its structure. Bread flour has the highest protein level, and will make the best texture crust.
• I have packet yeast – how much? >> I always buy “bulk” yeast, and measure-out what I need. But I think that one packet has 2 1/2 tsp, so just use one packet.
• I ain’t got no stand mixer. >> This dough is so much easier in a stand mixer, but you can do it manually. Just knead the shit out of that dough for 20 minutes. You’ll notice that the dough starts to tighten-up quickly, but it’s the continued kneading that develops the gluten. A general rule of thumb I’ve seen is that you should manually knead twice as long as the mixer. That would be 40 minutes, which is too long. Knead for 20 and see how that goes. Then tell me all about your NEW mixer – you know, the one you decided to buy after kneading your arms into oblivion that one day!
• Warm place for 2 hours, WTF? >> Yes, you need to “proof” the dough, which means to let it rise. I put mine in the oven (turned off) and then pour boiling water into a loaf pan and put that in the oven too. The boiling water will make the oven warm and the steam will make it humid: warm and humid is perfect for proofing dough.

Pizza Sauce
Makes enough for three “large” pizzas

INGREDIENTS

• 1 6 oz can Tomato Paste
• 1 8 oz can Tomato Sauce
• 1 tsp garlic, minced or crushed
• 1-2 tsp Dried Basil
• 1-2 Tbs Dried Oregano
• 1 tsp Sugar
• 1/2 tsp Onion Powder (optional)
• Black Pepper
• Olive Oil

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a small saucepan over medium heat, add ~1 tsp olive oil and the garlic. Let cook for a minute or so – until you hear the garlic starting to sizzle.
2. Dump-in the tomato products and the spices. Stir to combine.
3. Bring to a near-boil.
4. Turn-off the heat, and let sit on the stove until you’re ready to use (hopefully in a few minutes, but can sit for a long time if needed)

FAQs

• Doesn't seem like enough sauce for three pizzas >> Relax, you’re not going to take a bath in the stuff. You don’t really use that much sauce on an individual pizza.
• Why “teaspoons” for basil and “tablespoons” for oregano? >> The oregano flavor is the predominant flavor in pizza. That’s why it’s put on the table in pizza restaurants in a cheese shaker.
• What’s up with the sugar? >> A lot of times, sugar is used to temper the acidity of tomatoes in cooking. This is another one of those times.
• Hey, this is enough sauce for three pizzas, but only enough dough for two pizzas - what gives? >> I didn't invent the amount of tomato sauce/paste they put into those cans. The good news is that you can save the sauce as a perfect dip for mozzarella sticks or the uneaten pizza crusts from your kids plates (pretend they're breadsticks, and dip them in the delicious sauce)

Pizza Construction
One pizza serves one 4-person family (daddy, mommy, boy, and girl)

INGREDIENTS

• 1/2 Pizza Dough Recipe (see above)
• 1/3 Pizza Sauce Recipe (see above)
• 8 oz. Mozzarella Cheese
• Pepperoni (optional)
• Italian Sausage (optional)
• Red Bell Pepper, diced small (optional)
• Mushrooms, sliced thin (optional)
• Black Olives, sliced (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat your oven to 450 degrees.
2. Remove your proofed dough from the bowl, and place on a floured surface. Flatten the dough into a disc (think “pizza shape”) and stretch the dough gently into the desired shape. Don’t be afraid to pick-up the dough and stretch with your fingers – using bread flour has made this into dough that can take your weak-fisted punishment.
3. Place the dough on a perforated pizza pan (the kind that is round and has a bunch of holes)
4. Spoon-on the sauce.
5. Sprinkle-on a “base layer” of mozzarella. I generally use 1/3 of the cheese beneath the toppings and 2/3 above.
6. Toppings.
7. Top cheese.
8. Bake in the oven for ~13 minutes. I start the pizza on the bottom of the oven, and move to the top about halfway thorough the cooking process. That way, the crust gets crispy (bottom) and the cheese gets browned (top).
9. Cut in wedges (makes 12 wedges easy) and eat.

FAQs

• Do you “toss” your pizza? >> Yes, I am awesome.
• Pizza pan – why not a pizza stone? >> I have a pizza stone, but I think it’s a major pain in the ass. I don’t have a pizza peel (that’s the wooden paddle used to deposit and withdraw pizzas from the oven), so I would have to use a cookie sheet. I suppose if I had a peel, I’d have more success. Also, my stone is smaller than the pizza pan – I’d have to make smaller pizzas. That’s not something I’m interested in at this time...
• How do you sauce? >> Ok, I start with about 2-3 Tbs of sauce (don’t bother measuring, Martha!) in the middle of the dough. Then I take the back of the spoon and start spreading it around. The goal is to cover the dough with as thin a layer of sauce as possible. If you use too much sauce, the dough will cook weird and the cheese will just slide around. Do it my way once, and then try what you like.
• Topping suggestions >> There are two basic pizzas in my arsenal: [pepperoni and black olive] or [sausage and mushroom].
  • Sausage & Mushroom: Use ~6 oz. of mild Italian sausage per pizza and ~4 oz. raw mushrooms. I cook the sausage before putting it on the pizza – I don’t think a home oven gets hot enough to cook the sausage on the pie (restaurant pizza ovens get to 600+ degrees). Plus, a benefit to cooking the sausage before is that I can drain the sausage and eliminate all that extra grease.
  • Pepperoni & Black Olive: I lay-down the pepperoni from the outside-in with consistent spacing throughout. Some people might think it’d be great to make a “sheet” of pepperoni. To those idiots, I’d say “remember proportions.” There’s a reason you’re not eating just a brick of pepperoni – you want the flavors to work with one another. Sprinkle the black olives on top of the pepperoni.
  • Any Pizza: A welcome addition to either of these pizzas is some diced red bell pepper. It adds a nice sweetness to the pie. 1/4 of a pepper should be enough for one pizza.

Recipe: Guacamole

The first time I made this was for when my boss came-over for dinner with his fiancee. The guy ended-up eating way more than his fair share - what a DICK! Anyway, it's awesome guacamole - give it a try and you'll see...

Guacamole

I’ve had Mexican guacamole, and it’s no wonder there’s so much of an illegal immigration problem: they’re all trying to get some of my Chicago-style chip dip. Do yourself a favor and make this.

Get yourself a molcajete, or a gay boyfriend, and you can serve-it-up fancy like this!

INGREDIENTS

• 4 Haas Avocados (those are the dark bumpy ones)
• Juice from one lime (be sure to get all that juice)
• 1/4 Red Onion, diced super-fine (and rinsed)
• 1 Tbs Cilantro leaves, chopped
• 4 Roma Tomatoes, diced (see note)
• 1/2 tsp Garlic Powder
• 1 tsp Kosher Salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Scoop-out the avocado flesh and put in a large bowl. Dump lime juice over the avocados. Add the garlic powder and half the salt. Mix with a potato masher until it reaches the desired consistency.
2. Stir-in the tomatoes, onion, and cilantro. Check seasoning – add the rest of the salt if needed.
3. Move from the large bowl to a fancier chip dippin’ bowl. Eat.

RECIPE NOTES

• Avocados >> Usually, from the selection of avocados at the store, you’re either making guacamole TONIGHT (OMG, THEY ARE READY THIS FUCKING SECOND!) or next weekend – meaning that they’re either pudding-soft or hard as a rock. When choosing an avocado, you ideally want one that gives “slightly” under pressure from your thumb and doesn’t feel like a rotten banana. AND, don’t pick the “fuerte” avocados: those are the bright green ones that are big. They don’t make good guacamole because they NEVER reach the right texture.
• How do I remove the seed from the avocado? >> What I do, and it’s recommended by every chef out there, is to halve the avocado (the seed will be in one of the halves) and then, using your chefs knife, lightly “chop down” on the seed – embedding the knife into the seed, then twist the knife/seed – loosening and removing the seed. To get the seed off the knife, I pinch it off with my fingers (from the top of the knife – not the blade).
• Tomatoes >> When dicing the tomatoes, you only want the flesh – not the juice and seeds. So, slice-off the “sides” of the tomato only and ditch the seeds and pulp. That way, you’ve got only what you need and it won’t water-down the guacamole. Who’s the smart one now?
• No hot peppers? >> Nope. I don’t want to muddy-up my perfect guacamole with heat and spice that will overwhelm the entire thing. If you used your brain once and a while, you’d realize I’m right.
• Why rinse the onion? >> Raw onion is pretty pungent, and you don't usually want all that onion flavor overpowering the rest of your delicate flavors. So, after the onions are diced, rinse them under cold water - then drain - and they will add just the right amount of onion and not ruin the rest of the thing.

Thanksgiving Turkey Tacos

Disclaimer: I haven't actually made this recipe, but I think it sounds good. Maybe one of you (mom & your friends who read this blog) can give it a try and let me know if I was right.


Thanksgiving Turkey Tacos

This isn't some "south of the border" interpretation of a taco - or some kind of dish where we're substituting turkey for beef - it's basically Thanksgiving in a tortilla, and it sounds God damn delicious!

INGREDIENTS

• Flour tortillas
• Left-over roast turkey
• Left-over coleslaw
• Left-over cranberries (sauce)
• Gravy (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a dry skillet, heat both sides of the tortillas until they are slightly darkened - this will soften them up, and make them ready for taco construction
2. Heat the turkey and gravy in the microwave to eating temperature
3. Construct tacos: turkey, gravy, coleslaw, and cranberries in that order

Wash it down with some of that kid champagne that was over-bought, and you've got yourself a kick-ass 2nd Thanksgiving - this time in convenient taco form.

Recipe: Jambalaya Linguine

I had a good recipe for jambalaya—with rice, but the kids don’t like rice: go figure! So, I converted it to linguine noodles. Guess what? They still don’t like it. They’re bound and determined to be served only hot dogs or chicken nuggets. I’d like to be there in 40 years when their doctors tell them about their terrible colon health – yeah, that’ll be some sweet-ass “I told you so!”

Ooo eee, child. That's some nice jambalaya!

Jambalaya Linguine
Serves 6 (or two great big fat guys)

INGREDIENTS

• 1 lb. linguine noodles
• 1 lb. polish sausage, cut in ~1/4” slices
• 2 green peppers, diced
• 3 stalks celery, chopped
• 1 large onion, diced
• 1 15 oz. can of diced tomatoes
• 1 8 oz. can of tomato sauce
• 1/2 cup chicken broth/stock
• 1/2 cup half & half
• 2 tsp thyme
• 1 large bay leaf (or 2 small)
• 1+ Tbs olive oil
• 1+ Tbs butter
• 1 clove garlic
• Salt & black pepper
• Fresh parsley (optional)
• Hot sauce (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large pot on medium-high heat, sauté onion, green pepper, and celery in olive oil and butter until tender – approx. 10 minutes.
2. Add thyme, tomato products, bay leaf, 1 tsp pepper, chicken broth, and sausage and cook on medium-low heat for 10 minutes.
   
3. Concurrently: boil the noodles according to the package instructions.
4. Concurrently: in a nonstick skillet, cook the sausage slices in a little butter until slightly crisp – approx. 5 minutes.
5. Check for salt - add some if needed
   
6. Drain noodles and add to pot. Add half & half, stir, and cook ~5 more minutes: until all are incorporated as one dish.
7. (Optional) Sprinkle-on chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
8. Eat. Add hot sauce at the table.

FAQs

• Polish sausage? >> Ask a Polack to make jambalaya, and you’re bound to get kielbasa thrown-in there somewhere. I suppose a fancy person might tell you to use Andouille sausage or something, well, I’m not that person. The polish sausage adds the exact right flavor, and it’s cheap and easy to find. Also, try to use skinless sausage if possible. A tough skin on the sausage might toughen-up a little in the skillet...
• Concurrently? >> Yeah, there are a few tasks that should be done at the same time. Boil the noodles and cook the sausage WHILE you’re cooking the vegetables.
• Half & half? That seems out of place! >> It’s like a vodka tomato sauces that adds cream at the end. It’s just the right thing that the dish needs, but you wouldn’t think of putting it in there. Just add the half & half and enjoy my wonderful experimentation.
• Hot sauce at the table? I have taste buds made of solid iron! >> Well, lah-dee-dah! I’m sure that you could eat a fiery meteor just after it lands, too! Meanwhile, the rest of us might want to have a different flavor profile better suited to our individual tastes. This isn’t a chili contest, ok? Just ease-up on the spices, and allow the rest of us to spice-it on our own.

This is Why You're Drunk: Gin Martini

For a long time, I thought I didn't like the taste of gin. I'll blame it on the Army: back in the day, at a Christmas party for my National Guard company, we were to toast with the "company drink:" a truly awful concoction invented back in the 20's. The drink was "Gin & Bitters," and it was revolting.

Fast forward 15 years, and there's a bottle in the liquor cabinet just begging for another chance, and you know what? I liked it!

Quality counts for this recipe - don't embarrass me...

Gin Martini
2 Parts Gin (break-out the good stuff)
1 Part Dry Vermouth
3 Olives impaled on a stick
Ice

1. Put everything except for the olives in a cocktail shaker
2. Shake vigorously*
3. Pour into fancy martini glass
4. Add olives
5. Enjoy with sophisticated friends

Remember: this is the kind of drink you enjoy with other people - people who can see how cool you are for drinking the "classic" martini. Good luck!

*NOTE: (10/24/2011) I've had a chance to re-think this recipe over the past 2 years. Everything's good EXCEPT the vigorous shaking. Now I prefer a gentle stir. That way, I'm not getting any shards of cracked ice in my drink (a concern of mine). So, now a conundrum for you: to shake vigorously or to stir gently? My advice: make two and taste for yourself...

Recipe: Baked Mac & Cheese

Whoa, it's been a while since a recipe has appeared here (or anything else). I'll chalk that up to "career development," meaning that I've been crazy-busy at work (fuckers!).

Anyway, this is a good one. Usually, I followed a recipe from the book and was pleased, but not overly pleased with the results. The recipe below is better than the ones I've tried before, and it's all because of a common secret ingredient: BACON! Using bacon in your dishes is totally badass!

INGREDIENTS

• 1 lb Elbow Noodles
• 1 lb Sharp Cheddar Cheese, grated
• 1 Onion, diced
• 3 Cups Milk
• 1/3 Cup Flour
• 5 Tbs Butter
• Cayenne Pepper
• Salt & Black Pepper
• 8 oz Bacon, cut into 1/2” pieces
• 1/3 Cup Bread Crumbs

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cook the noodles in boiling water until done. Try to time the noodle cooking to coincide with the cheese sauce cooking. That’s the kind of skill that will separate you from ordinary cooks: the ability to have everything done at once – and the ability to cook things that taste good.
2. In a large saucepan over medium heat, cook the bacon until “almost crispy.” You don’t want to overcook the bacon. Evacuate the bacon to a paper towel lined plate or bowl and save for later.
3. Dump all but 1 tablespoon of the bacon grease from the pan, and add onions. Cook in bacon fat until tender stirring occasionally - don't let the onion get too brown (about 8 minutes).
4. Add 3 Tbs butter to the onions and cook together until the butter has melted. Add flour. Cook the flour for ~3 minutes. This will create a roux which will thicken the sauce. Add milk and stir until the milk is hot and the mixture has thickened (about 5 minutes). Stir cheese into milk mixture until melted (about 30 seconds).
5. Taste cheese sauce – add 1/2 tsp salt, 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper, and 1/2 tsp black pepper. Taste again – adjust as necessary.
6. Drain the noodles and return to the noodle cooking pot (I do this because I cook my noodles in my largest pot). Dump-on the cheese sauce and mix. Add the bacon and mix some more.
7. Melt 2 Tbs butter in a bowl in the microwave (like 30 seconds on high). Add bread crumbs to the melted butter and mix-together with a fork. You’re looking for a “damp sand” texture – this will be the topping. Add more bread crumbs if necessary.
8. Pour the mixture into a greased 9x13” baking dish. Sprinkle-on the breadcrumb mixture and bake, uncovered, at 400 degrees for 30-45 minutes.
9. Eat.

FAQs

• Greased baking dish - WTF? >> For this you can use cooking spray, or be like me and use butter. Just take a little hunk of butter and smear it all over the place with your fingers. It’s messy and fun. Extra bonus: butter tastes good!
• Bacon. Is this a “heart friendly” meal? >> Who gives a shit? This is a “good tasting” meal and we’ll leave it at that. A big problem with most baked macaroni & cheese dishes is that the flavor gets muted. There’s no chance of that happening with bacon in the mix.

This is Why You're Drunk: Limoncello Martini

My wife came home the other night from her sister's house with a gigantic bottle of Limoncello liqueur - seriously, the bottle was like 24" tall! Anyway, the sister couldn't fit the bottle in her freezer, so we get it. Apparently, we're known for the size of our freezer.

I immediately start thinking, "How can I use this liquor?" A quick internet search revealed porn, porn, and more porn. A deeper search revealed a bounty of recipes for Limoncello martinis. I used those, and made a better one:

Ah, refreshing lemony goodness

Badass Limoncello Martini
2 Parts Limoncello
2 Parts Absolut Citron (or your favorite citrus flavored vodka)
1 Part Simple Syrup*
Ice

1. Pour everything into your cocktail shaker. Affix top.
2. Shake the shit out of it.
3. Pour into martini glasses. Garnish with a thinly sliced lemon wheel in the glass

Simple Syrup
1 Cup Sugar
1 Cup Water

1. Put both ingredients into a small saucepan
2. Heat & stir until sugar is dissolved and mixture just begins to simmer
3. Remove from heat and cool in the fridge. This should last all weekend (cover w/ plastic wrap)