Recipe: Badass Steak!

I can't believe it's taken this long, but we finally have STEAK!

Now, there are a lot of ways to make a steak, and most of them are correct (meaning that you really have to fuck things up royal to make a steak taste bad), but I have the BEST WAY TO COOK A GODDAMN STEAK RIGHT HERE!

INGREDIENTS

• Steak(s)
• Salt
• Pepper
• Canola oil

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Pre-heat your oven to 500 degrees (that's right, 500 motherfucking degrees!), which will take 15-30 minutes

2. Remove the steak(s) from the fridge, liberally salt & pepper, and rub with oil. Allow to rest until I tell you otherwise.

3. When the oven has reached 500, and been there for 5-10 minutes, throw your cast iron skillet into the oven for 5 minutes - you want to get that thing red-fucking-hot!
4. After 5 minutes, crank a burner to high heat, remove the skillet from the oven (use a mitt or gloves) and put it on the burner, then place the steak(s) into the skillet - witness the sizzle, which is good!

5. DON'T FUCKING TOUCH, for 3 minutes.
6. Flip and cook the other side(s) for 3 more minutes

7. Put in the 500 degree oven for 3 minutes
8. Open the oven, flip the steak(s), and cook for another 3 minutes

9. Remove, evacuate to a strategically placed cutting board, tent with foil, and rest for 3 minutes

10. Cut on the bias and serve to your special lady friend

Serving Suggestion

• Serve with badass mashed potatoes and a vegetable (we used frozen corn tonight)

FAQs

• Why a cast-iron skillet? >> Because you can heat that thing on the sun and not have to worry about warping or melting Teflon or any of that bullshit. Plus cowboys used to cook on it, so it's totally badass!
• Seems too easy - what about Bearnaise, Au Poivre, or other fancier finishes? >> Fuck off, this is badass.

Purchase: Food Processor

Hello Friends,

I just placed an order for this bad ass food processor:

Cuisinart DFP-14 14-Cup Food Processor. Look-out, tiny pieces of shredded vegetables will soon be flying out of my kitchen (delivery by 2/24 according to Amazon)

Recipe: Lasagna

Damn, this is some good-ass lasagna.  All that’s missing is the trip to little Italy and the unwelcome groping of your wife/girlfriend.

Lasagna on the plate - it's beautiful

INGREDIENTS

Sauce

• 1 Tbs olive oil
• 1 medium onion, finely diced
• 4 oz mushrooms, sliced
• 6 medium garlic cloves, minced
• 1/2 lb ground beef (80% lean)
• 1/2 lb mild Italian sausage
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp black pepper
• 1/2 Cup heavy cream
• 1 can (28 oz) diced tomatoes
• 1 can (28 oz) crushed tomatoes

Other ingredients

• 15 oz tub ricotta cheese
• 1 1/4 Cup Parmesan cheese, grated
• 1/2 Cup fresh basil, chopped
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp black pepper
• 12 no-boil lasagna noodles << IMPORTANT! Use the no-boil noodles
• 16 oz mozzarella cheese, shredded
• 1/2 Cup heavy cream

INSTRUCTIONS

Sauce 

1. In a large Dutch oven, heat the olive oil until shimmering (2 mins).  Add onion and mushroom and saute until onion is softened (4 mins).  Add garlic and cook until fragrant (30 seconds).
2. Add meats and cook until no pink remains (4 mins), BUT NO FURTHER!  I’ll explain later.  Be sure to break-apart the meat into tiny pieces – this will help the texture later.
3. Add 1/2 Cup cream and simmer for 5 minutes.  This will remove some of the liquid, and leave the fat and the flavor.
4. Add canned tomato products, salt, and pepper and simmer for 10 minutes.
5. Kill the heat, the sauce is complete.  You can now safely refrigerate the sauce for later (it’ll keep for up to 2 days without getting nasty).  Be sure to re-heat the sauce before using again.

Assembly

1. Mix ricotta cheese, 1 cup of Parmesan cheese, egg, 1/2 Cup cream, basil, salt, and pepper until well-combined.
2. Ladle ~1/4 cup of the sauce on the bottom of a 9x13” baking dish.  Lay-down three lasagna noodles.  Top with 3 Tbs of ricotta mixture per noodle (9 Tbs total per layer).  Spread-out the cheese to evenly cover the noodles.  Top with 1 1/2 cups of sauce.  Sprinkle-on 1 Cup of the mozzarella cheese.  Lay-down three more noodles, 9 more Tbs ricotta, 1 1/2 cups more sauce, and 1 cup of mozzarella.  Do it again – that’s three layers.  For the final layer... 
3. Top the final layer with the last three lasagna noodles.  Top with the remaining sauce, and sprinkle-on the remaining mozzarella cheese.  Sprinkle-on the remaining 1/4 cup of parmesan cheese (you know, the cheese you DIDN’T use for the ricotta mixture).
4. Preheat your oven to 375 degrees.
5. Cover with foil that has been sprayed with non-stick cooking spray (to prevent the cheese coming-up with the tin foil), and bake for 15 minutes.  Remove the foil and bake for another 25 minutes, or until the cheese is slightly browned.
6. Let cool for a minute or two, and cut and eat.  This will easily make 12 good-sized chunks (for the ladies), or 6 monster-sized chunks (for the gentlemen).  It took 1.5 pans of lasagna to feed eight large adults and four small children, but we were all stuffed royally afterwards.

RECIPE NOTES

• Beef and Italian sausage? >> Yeah.  Lots of Italian recipes call for “meatloaf mix” when they’re specifying ground meats.  Meatloaf mix is 1/3 ground beef, 1/3 ground pork, and 1/3 ground veal.  To me, that’s a major pain in the ass.  You can sub-in the Italian sausage (ground pork) and get some extra flavors as well.  Be sure to buy loose sausage from the butcher, or cut the sausage out of the link casings – don’t just throw-in some Italian sausage links and think it’s going to work.
• What’s with the heavy cream? >> The classic Bolognese sauce uses milk/cream, and they really knew their business.  It almost acts as a panade and keeps the meat moist and delicious. In the ricotta cheese, the cream keeps things moving - otherwise the cheese tends to be a little sticky.
• Cook until no pink remains and no further, WTF? >> Many times you want to “brown” the meat, which makes a flavorful crust.  If this was a long-cooking stew, I’d say go for it, but it’s not – this is a quick-cooking lasagna.  We want to make sure the meats are cooked, but still want them to be tender.  It’s all part of the master plan.
• What's with the no-boil noodles? That's not how grandma makes it >> There are two reasons: first, no-boil noodles are easier. Second, they are more consistent. If you've ever tried to make lasagna from regular noodles, you burn your hands on the hot pasta, rip a few, and then end-up with not enough to make a perfect dish. The no-boil work right every time. Do as I say.
• There aren’t a lot of spices, is this right? >> That’s what I thought too, but it works.  Turns-out you don’t need a lot of spices for this lasagna – it’s awesomely fantastic without them.  Also, the Italian sausage adds the right amount of backbone so you don’t need extra. Also, asking questions is not bad ass.

Here's how it looks out of the oven. A work of art, no?

Tip: Fix Yo' Stanky Kitchen Sink!

Here's a tip for you...

Lemony goodness awaits

When your in-sink garbage disposal starts to reek, throw a lemon down in there and grind it up. The essential oils in the lemon will clean the filth, and will swap a foul funk for an aromatic alternative.

AND, the next time you're juicing lemons, don't throw-away those used-up lemon corpses! Chop into eighths, put them into a freezer bag, and throw it in the freezer. There it will remain in suspended animation until your sink starts to stink. Toss a few frozen lemon pieces into the sink and spin to win.

You're welcome.