Recipe: Mashed Potatoes

This isn't really a main dish (unless you're a goddamn lunatic), but I'll feature delicious side dishes too. It's the perfect thing to go with a steak or some meatloaf. Able to support a ladle-full of gravy or half-stick of butter equally. Now, go get yourself some!

One plate for mashed potatoes - another plate for anything else

INGREDIENTS

• Baking Potatoes (they're brown and they're big – also known as “Russet” or “Burbank”)
• Kosher Salt
• Half & half – at least 1 cup

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Peel the potatoes. Generally, I peel potatoes in the sink with the water running slowly. I use the water to rinse-off the dust and small pieces of peel that stay on the potato – it’s faster for me. But I whole-heartedly recommend turning “potato-peeling” into some forced-work activity for your children just like in the Army. There’s no reason the youth of today can’t participate in proven character-building exercises.
2. Quarter the potatoes – which means cut them into four equal parts. Do this because it will make the potatoes cook faster than trying to boil a whole potato, but don’t cut into smaller pieces because the flavor will “wash-out” of smaller pieces boiling in a big pot of water. Generally, you’re looking for pieces that are roughly the size of a golf ball, so if you have small potatoes, just cut into two pieces. Oh, do whatever the hell you want.
3. Place the potatoes in a large pot and sprinkle-on 1-2 Tbs of Kosher salt. Add water to the pot - just to cover the potatoes. You want just enough water to cover, but not so much that they’re water-logged.
4. Lid-up and add heat. Bring to a boil and then back-off to a medium-low heat. Watch carefully because the starch in the potatoes will combine with the water to make persistent bubbles. These bubbles will rise and rise to the lid and, if there isn’t enough room in the pot, will boil-over and make an awful god damn mess all over your cook top. So, be sure to watch, and lower the heat if it’s getting out of control. You can also skew the lid so that some of the steam escapes the pot – this will help prevent nasty boil-overs.
5. The potatoes should be done at 20 minutes, but they might be done a little sooner or a little later. You can check by inserting a paring knife into the potato. If it goes-in cleanly, the potatoes are finished cooking.
6. Drain water from the pot.
7. There are two methods for mashing:
• Ricer method: this is the preferred way. Takes a little longer, but it's worth it!
1. Buy a “ricer.” It’s a contraption with two handles and a perforated metal “cage.” Squeezing the handles will squish whatever’s placed in the cage through the holes. In the case of potatoes, they will come out of the ricer without lumps – the most perfectly creamy potatoes of your life. Ricers are generally ~$20 at a kitchen place.
2. Put the drained potatoes into a separate bowl
3. Use the ricer and squish the potatoes back into the cooing pot.
4. Keep ricing until the potatoes are finished.
5. Good job!
• Mashing method: these are delicious too. Easier than ricing, but a more "down home" texture (i.e. there will be a few lumps, but they'll be delicious lumps)
1. Put the drained potatoes back in the pot.
2. Use the potato masher.
3. Stop mashing when the texture makes you happy.
8. Add ~1 cup of half & half and stir. You may need to add more depending on how dry the potatoes are
9. Finished.

FAQs

• Baking potatoes? I thought this was “Mashed Potatoes?” >> Ok, there are two general characteristics to potatoes: waxy & starchy. “Brown” potatoes are more starchy and red potatoes are more waxy. For “mashed” potatoes, you want that starch. People say “baking” potatoes because they look like the prototypical baking potato, and most people are stupid and can’t think of terms like “starch” at the grocery store – they need a visual cue to buy the correct produce (please take me to a smarter place...)
• What about butter & milk? >> Essentially, that’s half & half: half cream and half milk. Why are you ruining my time-saving step?
• What about an electric mixer? >> Yeah, those are the potatoes I had all throughout my childhood, and they were ok. They weren’t great, just ok – I used to think they were great, and then I made these... Just do what I tell you, and you’ll be happy.