Recipe: Competition Chili

Hello friends. I already have an excellent recipe posted, which is fast and easy, BUT for competition, you need to bring a little something extra. Here's what I'll be making for the workplace chili contest on Monday, October 20, 2014:

Too bad you can't taste this... 

Bad Ass Competition Chili
Makes approx. 1 gallon

INGREDIENTS

• 3 each: guajilo, ancho, and pasilla chiles
• 1.5 lbs short ribs (cut the meat from the bones)
• 2 lbs ground beef
• 1 28 oz can diced tomato
• 1 28 oz can crushed tomato
• 1 6 oz can tomato paste
• 2 15 oz cans dark red kidney beans, drained and rinsed
• 2 Tbs whole cumin (seeds)
• 2 tsp ground coriander
• 2 tsp oregano
• 1 tsp red pepper flake
• 1/2 tsp cayenne
• 1 red pepper, diced small
• 2 large onions, diced
• 2 Tbs minced garlic
• Some chicken broth
• Canola oil
• Salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Remove seeds from chiles, cut into small pieces, toast lightly in a skillet, set aside
2. Toast cumin seeds in same skillet. Set aside
3. Grind cumin seeds in a mortar and pestle or spice grinder - get 1 Tbs
4. Rehydrate chiles in hot/boiling water for 20-30 mins
5. Put chiles in the blender along with spices (cumin, coriander, red pepper flake, cayenne, garlic,  oregano) and enough of the chile rehydration water to make a paste.
6. Process into paste. Add chile water as needed to keep it moving
7. Brown short ribs in the dutch oven. Be sure to get a shitload of color on those ribs - all sides. Remove and cut into small pieces.
8. Cook onions and red pepper in same pot - don't clean-out the fond form the short ribs. Cook until softened - about 6 mins.
9. Add ground beef and cook until brown. About 6-8 mins
10. Add tomato paste and stir through. Allow the mixture to "cook" the paste a bit on the bottom of the pot - about 5 minutes
11. Add pepper paste, tomato products, beans, and cut-up short ribs. Stir
12. Drop heat to low, and simmer for ~60 mins with the lid on. Stir from time to time
13. Remove or skew the lid and cook for another 30-45 mins.
14. Done. For best results, cool and rest overnight. It will be better the following day.

NOTES

• Do I really need to use dried chiles? >> Only if you want to win.

Here's what the chiles look like. The ancho is like a big raisin

Recipe: Potato Salad

Now that summer's over, it's time to show you what you should have been eating for the past 3 months. Also, give you 9 months to get ready for next summer!

Mmm, potato salad. Tastes like America!

Potato Salad
Serves 8

INGREDIENTS

• 5 lb Red Potatoes, peeled and halved
• 6 Eggs, hard boiled
• 4 Stalks Celery, chopped
• 1/2 Onion, diced
• 1+ Cup Mayonnaise
• 2+ Tbs Dill Pickle Relish
• 1-2 tsp Celery Salt
• Salt & Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Boil the potatoes: put the peeled and halved potatoes in a pot, cover barely with water, cover, and boil for ~15 mins until they a pricked easily with a knife, but still hold their shape.
2. Drain the potatoes: when the potatoes are finished, drain the water from the pot and replace with cold water (do this 2x) - you want to cool the potatoes so you can cut them.
3. Cut the potatoes: into bite-sized pieces and put into a large bowl.
4. Boil the eggs: put the eggs in a small/medium saucepan, cover with 1" of water, cover, and set to boil. When the water is boiling vigorously, turn off the heat and allow the eggs to set for 12 mins. Done.
5. Peel the eggs: when the eggs are cooked, drain the water from the saucepan. When the water is gone from the pot, agitate the pot so the egg shalls crack slightly. Fill the pot with cold water (this is to cool the eggs). You can also add ice to speed the process. When the eggs are cooled, peel. If you pre-cracked the eggs in the pot, it will be easier to peel - the water will have seeped-in and made the shell "loose."
6. Cut the eggs: cut four of the eggs into twelfths and then slice the other two eggs.
7. Mix everything: potatoes, celery, onion, relish, mayo, 4 chopped eggs, and celery salt - stir those together in a bowl (gently). Check seasoning, and add the appropriate amount of salt & pepper.
8. Top with the artfully sliced hard boiled eggs - that looks great!

RECIPE NOTES

• My grandma boils the potatoes with the skin on and then peels them later >> Yeah, well, I find it easier to peel first.
• Why not peel and cut the potatoes before boiling? >> Boiling small potato pieces tends to wash-out the potato flavor. The goal is to boil the largest-sized potato pieces possible. I cut in half because that will speed the process without washing-out the flavor.
• What kind of mayo should I use? >> Some people like Miracle Whip: traitors. I use Kraft Mayonnaise, and so should you.

Recipe: Beef Stroganoff

What's badass? Eating a satisfying pile of comfort food. This time, load-up on some Russian heritage - BEEF STROGANOFF!

Mmm, beef stroganoff on a plate. Plus corn - brilliant!

Beef Stroganoff
Serves 4

INGREDIENTS

• 2 lb boneless Beef Roast (chuck roast is good)
• 16 oz Beef Stock
• 8 oz Chicken Stock
• 16 oz Mushrooms, sliced
• 1 Onion, sliced or diced
• 3 Tbs Flour
• 4 Tbs Butter
• 12 oz Sour Cream
• 12 oz Egg Noodles
• Salt & Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. While the roast is partially frozen, cut into 1/8" thick strips against the grain. The roast is easier to slice when it's partially frozen. The length/width of the strip is up to you, but 1/8" is the right thickness.
2. Heat a large skillet to high. Add ~1 Tbs vegetable oil and cook beef until brown. Flip and cook the second side. It will take ~2-3 minutes to cook the first side and less on the second side. Be sure to NOT crowd the pan - which means you might want to cook the beef in 2+ batches (depending on the size of yo skillet). When cooked, evacuate the beef to a ready bowl.
3. In the same skillet, lower the heat and add the onion. You may need to add a little oil if the pan has dried-out. Cook until softened slightly (5 mins). Make a space in the middle and add the mushrooms. Cook until the mushrooms are softened (~5 mins).

Onions slightly cooked - add the mushrooms

Onions and mushrooms fully softened

4. Add butter and allow to melt. Add flour, stir to make a roux, and cook for a few mins. Add the beef broth and allow to thicken. Add beef and stir together. Check the thickness - chances are, the mixture will be pretty thick. Add chicken broth to get sauce to desired thickness - might not need all 8 oz of chicken broth.

Roux has been cooked and beef broth added. Check thickness and add chicken broth to reach desired consistency. You can do it.

5. Cook together for ~20 mins.
6. Meanwhile, start cooking the noodles - plan to have them finish when the beef mixture is complete.
7. When the beef mixture is finished, turn-off the heat. Add the sour cream and stir together. Check seasoning and add salt and pepper if needed. Ladle beef mixture over cooked noodles - as much as you like - start the diet tomorrow.

RECIPE NOTES

• Seems too easy. Are there any tricks? >> Nope, this is a simple one. Enjoy a triumphant return to comfort food.

ENDORSEMENTS

"Mmm, that's good stroganoff!" - Tsar Nicholas II

Recipe: Chopped Salad

WTF is chopped salad? It's good.

Chopped salad close-up. To your health!

INGREDIENTS

• 1 Red Bell Pepper; diced
• 1-2 Cucumbers; peeled, seeded, and diced
• 12 oz Snow Pea Pods; diced
• 1/2 Red Onion; diced and rinsed
• 1/4 Cup Sliced Green Onion
• 3-4 oz Bacon; cut-up
• 12 oz Ditalini (or other small ring pasta); cooked, drained, and cooled
• 2-3 oz Sharp Cheddar Cheese; diced
• 1 Small Head Romaine Lettuce; sliced thin
• 12-16 oz Cherry Tomatoes; halved
• 1 Can Chick Peas; drained and rinsed
• 1 Chicken Breast (~1/4 lb); cooked and cut into small pieces (optional)
• Dried Cranberries
• Creamy Italian Dressing

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Prepare the ingredients: everything should be about the same size - 1/4"


• Red pepper: instructions on another post (learn something)
• Red onion: after dicing the onion, put into a wire mesh strainer and rinse under cold water. This will remove some of the punch of the onion - otherwise, the salad will taste too onion-y
• Romaine lettuce: take-off the dirty outer leaves of the lettuce and cut the lettuce cross-wise into thin ribbons
• Cucumber: remove the seeds (I cut it into quarters lengthwise and then cut the "wedge" of seeds at the top of the triangle (see picture)), then dice the cucumber into the appropriate size and shape

Cut-along the dotted lines

• Chicken: brown the chicken in a skillet--both sides--and then cut into small pieces
• Bacon: fry the bacon until crisp and then cut/break into small pieces
• Ditalini: cook in salted water, drain, and rinse under cold water to cool. If you plan ahead, you can put it in the fridge to cool completely. I cooked a pound of pasta because I didn't know how much I needed and now have left-over pasta in the fridge (can add to soup)

Ditalini in its natural habitat

• The rest of the ingredients are self-explanatory

2. Mix
3. Eat (you can dress the salad all at once or dress individually)

RECIPE NOTES

• How much cranberry should I use? >> I used a "handful." It's a to-taste kind of thing - it adds a nice tangy sweetness. Now, the size of my impressive handful isn't the same as yours - so start with a Cup and go from there
• How much dressing? >> Another "to taste" ingredient. Use your best judgment

Recipe: Good Morning Egg Sandwich

I know what you're thinking, "OMIGOD, I should get this checked!" and "anyone can make an egg sandwich!" Yes, that's what I thought too, but here you are reading a recipe for egg sandwiches - genius.

Mmm, you know it's good because it's oozing all over the place

Simple* Egg Sandwich
Serves 1 (you will probably make another because it's so good)

INGREDIENTS

• One slice of ham (preferably Krakus or other Polish ham), cut in half*
• One slice American (or cheddar) cheese (I use Kraft Deli Deluxe, you can use whatever you like)
• One egg
• 2 slices of sandwich bread*
• 1 Tbs butter, plus a little more for spreading
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Heat 1/2 of the butter in a non-stick skillet over medium-high heat until the butter is melted and stops foaming - that's how you know it's ready
2. Cook the ham in the butter until browned on one side (~90 seconds). Flip, and brown the second side (~40 seconds). Remove ham from skillet and set aside
3. Add the remaining butter and allow to melt.
4. Put the bread into the toaster, and start toasting.
5. Crack egg into skillet carefully - you want to preserve a nicely formed yolk. Brazenly cracking an egg into a pan might ruin this morning perfection.
6. Cook until the white is mostly set on the first side (~90 seconds)
7. Artfully flip the egg and cook the second side (~60 seconds). The goal is to cook the egg to between over-easy and over-medium, so adjust the cooking times as needed. You want the runny yolk, but you don't want a goddamn yolk disaster all over your fancy shirt and tie. By the way, you look great this morning!
8. When the toast is done, spread some butter (or margarine - I won't judge) over both pieces of toast on one side only (the inside of the sandwich).
9. Assembly: place the cooked ham on the bottom, slide the cooked egg on-top of the ham, add some salt & pepper, cheese on top of egg, then top bread.
10. Done - time to eat sandwich #1.

RECIPE NOTES

• "Simple?" What's that all about? >> This is a basic sandwich, and it's perfect. Don't fuck up a good thing by trying to make it fancy.
• Why do I need to cut ham in half? >> Polish ham in Chicago comes in rectangles, cutting ham in half will make two bread-sized squares. Job well done? Yes.
• Do I need to use "bread?" >> No. In fact, just this morning I made awesome egg sandwiches from left-over hamburger buns. I only toasted those on one side in the toaster (bagel setting, bitches)

Recipe: Pumpkin Cheesecake

Just in-time for Thanksgiving 2013, there is pumpkin cheesecake. And this is no ordinary cheesecake, friends, this is the top of the cheesecake mountain. Pay attention!

Pardon the jungle tablecloth; I was at the in-laws

Pumpkin Cheesecake
Serves 12 (depending on how much turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, dinner rolls, and corn you had for dinner)

INGREDIENTS

Crust

• 5 ounces graham crackers (usually 9 whole crackers)
• 3 tablespoons sugar
• ½ teaspoon ground ginger
• ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
• ¼ teaspoon ground cloves
• 6 tablespoons butter, melted

Note the Christmas beer in the background

Filling

• 1-1/3 cups sugar
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• ½ teaspoon ground ginger
• ¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg
• ¼ teaspoon ground cloves
• ¼ teaspoon ground allspice
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 1 can (15 oz) pumpkin
• 1-½ pounds cream cheese, left at room temperature for 30 minutes
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice (1 medium lemon will be enough)
• 5 large eggs, left at room temperature for 30 minutes
• 1 cup heavy cream

Not pictured: lemon & vanilla

INSTRUCTIONS

Crust

1. Heat oven to 325 degrees.
2. Spray bottom and sides of 9-inch springform pan evenly with nonstick cooking spray

How to assemble your springform pan: There are two sides, the concave (1) and the convex (2), use the convex - you don't want the crust to be trapped in the concave base of the pan. Slip the base into the side (3)  and tighten the spring (4). Now ready to spray with Pam (or other cooking spray)

3. Pulse crackers, sugar, and spices in food processor until evenly and finely ground, about fifteen 2-second pulses

Just dump all the ingredients in together and then pulse a number of times until it's ready. If you don't have a food processor, put the crackers into a large zip top bag and crush with a rolling pin until thoroughly pulverized

4. Transfer crumbs to medium bowl, drizzle melted butter over, and mix with fork until evenly moistened

When it's mixed properly, it will look like wet sand

5. Dump crumbs into prepared springform pan and, using fork, spread crumbs into even layer. Using flat-bottomed drinking glass, press crumbs evenly into pan bottom - smooth crumbs into edges of pan

Work that sand until it's smooth and a good crust. Allow the sides to come-up a little bit

6. Bake until fragrant and browned around the edges, about 15 minutes. Cool on top of stove while making filling

Filling

1. Fill a teapot with water and bring to a boil
2. Meanwhile, whisk sugar, spices, and salt in small bowl; set aside

Sugar and spices become one homogeneous mix - smells like the holidays

3. To dry pumpkin: Line baking sheet with triple layer of paper towels. Spread pumpkin on paper towels in roughly even layer. Cover pumpkin with second triple layer of paper towels and press firmly until paper towels are saturated. Peel back top layer of towels and discard. Grasp bottom towels and fold pumpkin in half; peel back towels. Repeat and flip pumpkin onto baking sheet; discard towel

Begin by preparing the pan and the paper towels. Then dump the canned pumpkin in the middle and spread-out with a rubber spatula

Then press-down on the top with the second layer of paper towels - look at all the moisture that's being removed! Then you can fold it into a little pumpkin envelope and even pick it up with your hands

4. In standing mixer fitted with flat beater, beat cream cheese at medium speed to break up and soften slightly, about 1 minute

If it's softened to room temperature, the cream cheese will blend nicely. No stand mixer? Break-out the weak-ass hand mixer, and start mixing

4. Scrape beater and bottom and sides of bowl well with rubber spatula. Add sugar mixture and beat at medium-low speed until combined, about 1 minute; scrape bowl

Dump-in the sugar mixture and start mixing. When it's fluffy, it's done

5. Add pumpkin, vanilla, and lemon juice and beat at medium speed until combined, about 45 seconds; scrape bowl

Still fluffy, but now orange

6. Slowly add eggs and beat at medium-low until incorporated, about 1 minute; scrape bowl

Crack the eggs into a bowl, and then slowly incorporate them into the cream cheese mixture while it's beating. When all the eggs are added, beat until the mixture is homogenized. It will be shiny

7. Add heavy cream and beat at low speed until combined, about 45 seconds

Pour-in the cream. It will lighten the mix

8. Using rubber spatula, scrape bottom and sides of bowl and give final stir by hand

Get anything that wasn't thoroughly mixed by the mixer

9. Set springform pan with cooled crust on 18-inch-square doubled layer heavy-duty foil and wrap bottom and sides with foil; set wrapped springform pan in roasting pan. Pour filling into springform pan and smooth surface

Begin with a roasting pan and your springform pan w/ cooled crust (note: the rust and schmutz in the roasting pan is fine - we're not going to eat from it). Next, get a long piece of wide heady-duty foil and fold it in half. Put the springform pan on top

Fold the foil edges up the sides of the springform pan and then form them around the side. Put the pan in the roasting pan and put that whole thing on top of the stove. Reason: we're going to cook this in a water bath - the foil will prevent the water from getting-into the cheesecake

Slowly pour-in the cheesecake. It will almost reach the top - wow, that was close

10. Set roasting pan in oven and pour enough boiling water to come about halfway up side of springform pan

Open the oven, slide out the rack, put the roasting pan on the rack. Fill the roasting pan with water (teapot, yo) - you want the water to reach halfway up the side of the springform pan. Carefully slide the cheesecake into the oven. I said CAREFUL, dammit!

11. Bake until center of cake is slightly wobbly when pan is shaken, and center of cake registers 145 to 150 degrees on instant-read thermometer, about 1 1/2 hours
12. Set roasting pan on wire rack and cool until water is just warm, about 45 minutes. Remove springform pan from water bath, discard foil, and set on wire rack; continue to cool until barely warm, about 3 hours. Wrap with plastic wrap and refrigerate until chilled, at least 4 hours or up to 3 days

After 90 mins, remove the roasting pan from the oven and put it on the stove to cool (or wire rack). To help prevent cracking, you can use a knife to gently loosen the cheesecake from the side of the pan. Note: the cheesecake is puffed-up when it comes out of the oven - this will subside

After it's cooled on the rack and is ready for cold storage, put some plastic wrap on top and park in fridge until ready. Oh, beautiful...

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• Cut a slice, put it on a plate, and top with some kick-ass Brown Sugar and Bourbon Cream (recipe below)

Here's what it looks like when you remove the springform pan ring. Check-out that top: no cracks. I am a cheesecake wizard! (is that a thing?)

FAQs

• I don't have a springform pan, do I need one? >> Yes. Go get one
• Drying the canned pumpkin - are you serious? >> Yes. There is a lot of extra water/moisture in the pumpkin, which will affect the texture of the finished cheesecake
• Room temp eggs & cream cheese. Why? >> For the cream cheese, it will make it easier to mix. For the eggs, it will fluff-up better
• Do I really need to wrap my springform pan with foil? >> Yes. Even the best springform pans will leak - allowing that water to get into your succulent cheesecake
• Why should I put the cheesecake and roasting pan in the oven before I add the boiling water? >> Because the water makes the rig super-heavy. Putting the pan on the rack and then adding water will make it easy - just slide it into the oven and you're done
• Should I take the temperature of the cheesecake to check doneness? >> You can. I've cooked a number of these, so I know what to look for - slight jiggle in the middle and it's done
• What if it cracks? >> It's very common for the cheesecake to crack - it happens sometimes. Just use that as the first cut, and everything will be ok. Cooking at a low temp (325) and then allowing to cool slowly (first by leaving the cheesecake in the water and then cooling out of the water) will help prevent cracking, but it can still happen

Brown Sugar & Bourbon Cream
Makes ~3 cups

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup heavy cream
• ½ cup sour cream
• 1/3 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons bourbon

Hello bourbon - it's a party now!

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a bowl, whisk all ingredients until combined. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until ready to serve cheesecake, at least 4 hours or up to 24, stirring once or twice during chilling to ensure that sugar dissolves.

Dump ingredients, stir with whisk until combined

Pour into something for storage for a few hours (I use a 20oz glass beer mug), be sure to get all that left-over sugar, and cover with plastic wrap. Park in the fridge for 4-24 hours

2. When ready to serve cheesecake, beat mixture with whisk attachment at medium speed until small bubbles form around edges, about 40 seconds; increase speed to high and continue to beat until fluffy and doubled in volume, about 1 minute longer. Spoon cream on individual slices of cheesecake.

If you don't have a mixer, or access to a mixer at your in-laws house, pour the cream into a larger bowl and then whisk until soft peaks are formed. You don't want this to be a stiff whipped cream - you want it to ooze a little bit. Oh, that's good...

FAQs

• Seriously, 2 tsp of bourbon? >> You can go up to 3 tsp - but don't add too much, this is supposed to come-together as a whipped cream
• Bourbon?!? What about the children? >> Your kids need a some bourbon - just to get through the day

Recipe: Race Day Scrambled Eggs & Bacon

Today is the annual Chicago Marathon: booyah?! I'm not running (no chance), but I do want to celebrate the occasion by sitting in my chair and watching people run - for a little while, at least.

You know how runners like to carb-load the night before the race to gain/store energy? Well, for watching, I recommend a fat/protein load. Let's get to it!

Mmm, just what the cardiologist ordered

Race Day Scrambled Eggs & Bacon
Serves 4

INGREDIENTS

• 1/2 pound bacon, cut into small pieces
• 8 eggs
• 1 cup half & half
• 1 Tbs butter
• salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. For the bacon, it's best to begin with a frozen slab of bacon. Thaw slightly in the microwave (defrost setting, ~2 minutes) and then cut into 1/4" planks. This is way easier to do when frozen. If you're starting from thawed bacon, cut into 1/4" pieces. If your knife is not ninja-sharp, this will be an epic pain in the ass.
2. Over medium-high heat, cook bacon in a large nonstick skillet until brown and crispy
3. While the bacon is cooking, crack the eggs into a bowl, add half & half, and whisk whisk whisk it up
4. When bacon is complete, remove from the pan with a slotted spoon and put onto a plate lined with paper towels (this will mop-up some of that bacon grease). Dump the bacon grease into the sink. Leave some grease in the bottom of the pan - just the amount that doesn't pout out.
5. Return the skillet to the cooktop, add butter, and allow to melt. When butter has melted and stopped foaming, pour the eggs into the pan. Begin stirring - allow those curds to form on the bottom. Oh yeah.
6. When the eggs have mostly set, add the bacon and cook together. Add a little salt & pepper for flavor. Cook until the eggs are set, but not too tight.
7. Done - eat 'em up.

NOTES:

• Seems like a lot of half & half, are you sure? >> Yes. Half & half is better than milk. My scrambled eggs are the best because I use the right dairy. Yours can be good too if you just do what I say.