Recipe: Badass Appetizer Meatballs

These are the meatballs that everyone expects me to bring to every damn family holiday gathering. So, beware: if you make and bring these, you will be signing-up for a lifetime of holiday meatball delivery. Which is good, because they are awesome, but bad because we don't want to owe anything to anyone. I walk alone...

Parsley optional

Badass Appetizer Meatballs
Serves 6? I suppose this depends how fat and hungry your family is

INGREDIENTS

• 2 lbs Breakfast pork sausage (1 lb regular, 1 lb spicy)
• 1/3 Cup Bread crumbs
• 1 Egg (large, of course)
• 1 Cup Ketchup
• 4 Tbs Brown sugar (dark is the only brown sugar you need) NOTE: 4 Tbs = 1/4 Cup
• 2 Tbs Vinegar (I prefer apple cider vinegar, but white works here too)
• 2 Tbs Soy sauce

INSTRUCTIONS
Sauce

1. In a large pot, put ketchup, soy sauce, brown sugar, and vinegar
2. Stir to combine
3. Heat lightly until bubbling (this will happen much faster than you think)
4. Done

Meatballs

1. Combine meat, egg, and breadcrumbs and mix with your hands until homogeneous. Pro tip: leave the meat out of the fridge for a while (like 30 minutes) to take-away some of that chill. Mixing cold meat is not as fun as mixing room temperature meat.
2. Roll into balls - ping pong ball size works best
1. Grab a little meat with your fingers
2. With two flat palms, "roll" the meat in your hands until it shapes into a ball
3. Put perfectly formed meatball down onto a plate or something
3. In a large non-stick skillet, brown your meatballs. You don't need any oil because the meatballs bring their own fat (thank you, pig, for being so thoughtful)

Cooking meatballs in the skillet. 

Note the browned side and going-back to brown the other two sides

4. As one side browns, be sure to turn the meatballs to brown the other sides. I find that for this part, a meatball has three sides.
5. When complete, put the cooked meatballs into the sauce mixture
6. Heat the meatballs in the sauce for ~20 minutes or until cooked through and the sauce sticks like a glaze

Cook the meatballs in the sauce. This is where the marriage begins

7. Done. Put the meatballs into an efficient and effective transport container that can be used to gently reheat your balls at the appropriate eating location

Meatballs in the crock pot ready to bring to the party. 

Oh, I should try one? Don't mind if I do...

HOW TO EAT

• Pierce with a toothpick and put in your mouth. Pro tip: bring meatballs AND toothpicks to the party, You'll be the toast of the town

RECIPE NOTES

• What if you have too many balls to fit in the skillet all at once? >> I have the same problem: I have too many balls. I cook my balls in two batches in the skillet - no worries.

See? Here's me cooking the second batch of meatballs (right) 

as the first batch bathes in the sauce (left). Multitasking is badass!

• This doesn't seem like enough balls to feed my hungy hungy hippos. Any ideas? >> When I make these for a party, I never make only one batch - I make two. BUT, I have found that you can't just make a monster vat of meatballs and sauce. The problem is that if you try to cook 4 lbs of meatballs in the sauce, the meatballs on the bottom will disintegrate under the weight of the top balls. Best to make this in two+ distinct batches. Cleaning your pots and pans in the middle. Mix the two+ batches in the crock pot. That's bad ass!

Technique: Pie Crust and Recipe: Bacon & Onion Quiche

Bacon & onion quiche. 

Also peas and home-made hash browns. Dinner time

Wait a second... Isn't there already a quiche recipe on this site? Yes, there is, but that was ham and cheese - this is bacon and onion. Big difference? No, but it's a way of revisiting the quiche in general - which is generally a good thing.

So let's begin!

First, let's talk about the differences between the earlier recipe and this one:

• The pie crust in the earlier recipe called for water and vodka, this only wants water
• The pie crust in the earlier recipe was made by hand, this was made in a food processor

What does this mean? Sounds like there are a few different ways to make a pie crust. YOU ARE CORRECT! Here's what you want from a pie crust:

A pie crust should be tender and flaky:

1. Tender: this means a minimum amount of gluten. Gluten is the protein that gives structure to baked breads. It is created/strengthened by working dough. The more you work a piece of dough, the more gluten is created. To maximize tenderness, minimize the dough work. Tender!
2. Flaky: this means there are layers and layers of the dough. This is done by thin "sheets" of fat separating flour particles from one another. When the dough cooks, and the fat melts away, the sheets of flour are all that remain. Flaky!

The earlier recipe substituted vodka for some of the water in an effort to minimize the gluten. Sounds like a decent idea, but kind of a pain. Also, vodka is for drinking! The new recipe relies on the speed and efficiency of the food processor to minimize the working of the dough and the formulation of the gluten. Let's just agree that the two pillars of a successful pie crust are creating layers of fat & flour and the minimization of the gluten formation. Honor those two tenets, and your pie crust will be A.O.K.

Next, is this bad ass? Yes, proper cooking and science literacy are both bad ass. Otherwise, it's dumb ass.

Bacon & Onion Quiche

Serves 6 (probably, or 4 for dinner and then 2 for left-over breakfast)

Pie Crust

INGREDIENTS

• 1 1/2 Cups All purpose flour
• 1/2 Cup Vegetable shortening (aka Crisco)
• 3 Tbs Cold butter, cut into thin pieces
• 1/2 tsp Table salt
• 2-4 Tbs Cold water

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In the workbowl of your food processor, add the flour and salt, and process until mixed (like 2 damn seconds)
2. Add the shortening and butter and process in bursts until evenly processed and no fat is individually visible (like 5 pulses)
3. Through the feed tube, add 2 Tbs of water and process until it comes-together as a dough (like 3-4 seconds)

When the dough comes-together, it will look like this. A dough ball in the processor.

4. If it doesn't come-together, add a little more water and process until it does (add a small amount at a time - the goal is to add only as much water as the dough needs and no more)
5. Dump the dough onto your clean countertop (sprinkled with a small amount of flour to keep it from sticking)
6. Work the dough lightly into a hockey puck shape. Wrap with wax paper (or plastic wrap) and put into the fridge for 1-24 hours. This will rest the dough, allow the fat to re-congeal, and allow the water to hydrate the remaining dry flour in the dough. It needs at least an hour, but more time won't hurt it.
7. Remove the dough from the fridge and have the pie plate ready
8. Dust your countertop and your rolling pin with a small amount of flour (like 2 and 1 Tbs respectively)

This is the right amount of flour for your work surface

9. Deposit the hockey puck into the flour and roll in one direction (from you toward the wall). Then turn the dough 90 degrees and roll again (from you toward the wall). You want to avoid rolling any which way because this will cause some parts of your dough to be thinner than the other parts. Baking is a cruel bitch, and she demands motherfucking precision.
10. If the dough sticks a little to the counter, toss a little flour under there and keep going. Keep rolling and turning until it's ~1/8" thick and bigger than your pie plate by ~2" all around.
11. Transfer your perfect dough to the ready pie plate. To do this easily, lightly "roll" the dough around your rolling pin and unroll it into the pie plate. Try to get it perfectly centered, otherwise gently shift it into position. CAREFUL: that pie crust is kinda fragile. If you rip it or something, just push the two parts together - it should mend. This works best if you don't use TOO MUCH DAMNED FLOUR when rolling-out the dough. Too much flour will prevent the dough from sticking to itself for repairs.

Easily move the dough by wrapping it around the pin

12. Artfully prepare the edges of your pie. I like these best:
1. Fluted-edge
2. Crisscross edge
3. Petal edge
4. and Rope edge. Save the others for your retirement when you have nothing but time and need to impress the ladies' auxiliary with your home baking skills

Scallop edge: sure it looks nice, but that's a lot of work

13. Cut a sheet of parchment paper slightly larger than your pie, press the paper lightly to the bottom dough, and add enough pie weights to cover the bottom. WHAT THE?!? Read the note about this step below.
14. Blind bake your crust at 425 degrees for 15 minutes.
15. The pie crust is complete and ready for savory fillings.

RECIPE NOTES

• Parchment paper and whatnot? >> To achieve a cooked bottom crust, we'll need to pre-bake the pie crust. If we just bake it as-is, the bottom will bubble-up because the heat from the bottom of the pie plate will cook the fat and make steam. The steam will have no place to go and will make a bubble. The bubble will eventually cook and set that way - crusty. We need to either 1. keep the bubbles from forming (pie weights) or 2. give the steam an escape route. I prefer using the pie weights, but if you don't have those, "dock" your pie crust before baking. That means pierce it all-over with a fork. Don't go apeshit, just make enough holes for any trapped steam to find an escape route. I prefer a perfectly clean and hole-free bottom crust, but this will be fine for a quiche.

Pie weights on the left; docking on the right. Choose one

• Why butter and shortening? >> Shortening makes the best flakes but butter tastes better. Using both (more shortening) will allow you to live in both worlds - flaky and delicious. That's also why we added salt: for taste.

Quiche

INGREDIENTS

• 5 Large eggs (3 whole and 2 yolks)
• 1+ Cup Half & half
• 8 oz. Bacon, cut-up into small pieces (like 1/2" or something)
• 1 Onion, diced
• 8 oz. Shredded cheese (you choose the type - see note)
• Black pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cook the bacon in a skillet until almost crispy. The texture won't really toughen-up any more in the quiche, so cook it how you like it. For most people, this is just past leathery and short of brittle. Set the bacon aside.
2. IN THE SAME DAMNED SKILLET, remove about half the bacon grease and cook the onion until tender and translucent (about 5-10 minutes depending on heat). Why use the same skillet? For flavor, dummy. Set the cooked onions aside.
3. In a 2 Cup glass measuring cup, crack three eggs and then add two egg yolks. Separating eggs is easy:
1. Crack the egg over the sink (or, if you want to preserve the white, over a bowl)
2. Carefully separate the shell positioning the yolk in either half
3. Allow the white to drip away - shift the yolk around in the shell to dislodge as much white (albumen) as possible
4. Dump the yolk into your 2 Cup measuring cup and repeat
4. With a fork, violently mix the eggs into a homogeneous yellow mass of fat and protein. Yum.
5. Add enough half & half to slightly exceed the 2 Cup mark on the glass measuring cup. The goal is slightly more than 2 Cups of liquid. If you're using dry measuring cups, fill it to the top, dump into a bowl, and then add a little more half & half.

See how there's space above the 2 Cup markings?

This is a liquid measuring cup. Use this one.

6. Add pepper to taste and violently stir some more - until homogeneously combined.
7. To the pre-cooked pie crust, add some cheese, then some bacon & onion, then a little more cheese, then the rest of the bacon & onion, then the rest of the cheese (it's a cheese-meat-cheese-meat-cheese sandwich).
8. Pour the egg mixture over the whole thing, slowly. If you're using a shallow pie plate, you might not use all the egg mixture. If you're using a deep pie plate, well, remember that next time and slightly increase all the ingredients to fill-up your bottomless pie bucket of a plate. Sheesh.
9. Carefully place the quiche into the oven and cook at 350 for ~45 minutes. At 40 minutes, check the quiche by lightly jiggling the dish - if the center doesn't move (or moves very little), the quiche is done. Otherwise, cook a few more minutes and check again.
10. Allow to cool slightly (like 10-15 minutes) and then cut into wedges and eat.

RECIPE NOTES

• What kind of cheese should I use? >> That's all about personal preference. I think Swiss goes pretty well with bacon and onion, but so does sharp cheddar. You want something with some flavor - stay away from mozzarella or Monterey Jack.