Recipe: Pumpkin Cheesecake

Just in-time for Thanksgiving 2013, there is pumpkin cheesecake. And this is no ordinary cheesecake, friends, this is the top of the cheesecake mountain. Pay attention!

Pardon the jungle tablecloth; I was at the in-laws

Pumpkin Cheesecake
Serves 12 (depending on how much turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce, dinner rolls, and corn you had for dinner)

INGREDIENTS

Crust

• 5 ounces graham crackers (usually 9 whole crackers)
• 3 tablespoons sugar
• ½ teaspoon ground ginger
• ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
• ¼ teaspoon ground cloves
• 6 tablespoons butter, melted

Note the Christmas beer in the background

Filling

• 1-1/3 cups sugar
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• ½ teaspoon ground ginger
• ¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg
• ¼ teaspoon ground cloves
• ¼ teaspoon ground allspice
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 1 can (15 oz) pumpkin
• 1-½ pounds cream cheese, left at room temperature for 30 minutes
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 1 tablespoon lemon juice (1 medium lemon will be enough)
• 5 large eggs, left at room temperature for 30 minutes
• 1 cup heavy cream

Not pictured: lemon & vanilla

INSTRUCTIONS

Crust

1. Heat oven to 325 degrees.
2. Spray bottom and sides of 9-inch springform pan evenly with nonstick cooking spray

How to assemble your springform pan: There are two sides, the concave (1) and the convex (2), use the convex - you don't want the crust to be trapped in the concave base of the pan. Slip the base into the side (3)  and tighten the spring (4). Now ready to spray with Pam (or other cooking spray)

3. Pulse crackers, sugar, and spices in food processor until evenly and finely ground, about fifteen 2-second pulses

Just dump all the ingredients in together and then pulse a number of times until it's ready. If you don't have a food processor, put the crackers into a large zip top bag and crush with a rolling pin until thoroughly pulverized

4. Transfer crumbs to medium bowl, drizzle melted butter over, and mix with fork until evenly moistened

When it's mixed properly, it will look like wet sand

5. Dump crumbs into prepared springform pan and, using fork, spread crumbs into even layer. Using flat-bottomed drinking glass, press crumbs evenly into pan bottom - smooth crumbs into edges of pan

Work that sand until it's smooth and a good crust. Allow the sides to come-up a little bit

6. Bake until fragrant and browned around the edges, about 15 minutes. Cool on top of stove while making filling

Filling

1. Fill a teapot with water and bring to a boil
2. Meanwhile, whisk sugar, spices, and salt in small bowl; set aside

Sugar and spices become one homogeneous mix - smells like the holidays

3. To dry pumpkin: Line baking sheet with triple layer of paper towels. Spread pumpkin on paper towels in roughly even layer. Cover pumpkin with second triple layer of paper towels and press firmly until paper towels are saturated. Peel back top layer of towels and discard. Grasp bottom towels and fold pumpkin in half; peel back towels. Repeat and flip pumpkin onto baking sheet; discard towel

Begin by preparing the pan and the paper towels. Then dump the canned pumpkin in the middle and spread-out with a rubber spatula

Then press-down on the top with the second layer of paper towels - look at all the moisture that's being removed! Then you can fold it into a little pumpkin envelope and even pick it up with your hands

4. In standing mixer fitted with flat beater, beat cream cheese at medium speed to break up and soften slightly, about 1 minute

If it's softened to room temperature, the cream cheese will blend nicely. No stand mixer? Break-out the weak-ass hand mixer, and start mixing

4. Scrape beater and bottom and sides of bowl well with rubber spatula. Add sugar mixture and beat at medium-low speed until combined, about 1 minute; scrape bowl

Dump-in the sugar mixture and start mixing. When it's fluffy, it's done

5. Add pumpkin, vanilla, and lemon juice and beat at medium speed until combined, about 45 seconds; scrape bowl

Still fluffy, but now orange

6. Slowly add eggs and beat at medium-low until incorporated, about 1 minute; scrape bowl

Crack the eggs into a bowl, and then slowly incorporate them into the cream cheese mixture while it's beating. When all the eggs are added, beat until the mixture is homogenized. It will be shiny

7. Add heavy cream and beat at low speed until combined, about 45 seconds

Pour-in the cream. It will lighten the mix

8. Using rubber spatula, scrape bottom and sides of bowl and give final stir by hand

Get anything that wasn't thoroughly mixed by the mixer

9. Set springform pan with cooled crust on 18-inch-square doubled layer heavy-duty foil and wrap bottom and sides with foil; set wrapped springform pan in roasting pan. Pour filling into springform pan and smooth surface

Begin with a roasting pan and your springform pan w/ cooled crust (note: the rust and schmutz in the roasting pan is fine - we're not going to eat from it). Next, get a long piece of wide heady-duty foil and fold it in half. Put the springform pan on top

Fold the foil edges up the sides of the springform pan and then form them around the side. Put the pan in the roasting pan and put that whole thing on top of the stove. Reason: we're going to cook this in a water bath - the foil will prevent the water from getting-into the cheesecake

Slowly pour-in the cheesecake. It will almost reach the top - wow, that was close

10. Set roasting pan in oven and pour enough boiling water to come about halfway up side of springform pan

Open the oven, slide out the rack, put the roasting pan on the rack. Fill the roasting pan with water (teapot, yo) - you want the water to reach halfway up the side of the springform pan. Carefully slide the cheesecake into the oven. I said CAREFUL, dammit!

11. Bake until center of cake is slightly wobbly when pan is shaken, and center of cake registers 145 to 150 degrees on instant-read thermometer, about 1 1/2 hours
12. Set roasting pan on wire rack and cool until water is just warm, about 45 minutes. Remove springform pan from water bath, discard foil, and set on wire rack; continue to cool until barely warm, about 3 hours. Wrap with plastic wrap and refrigerate until chilled, at least 4 hours or up to 3 days

After 90 mins, remove the roasting pan from the oven and put it on the stove to cool (or wire rack). To help prevent cracking, you can use a knife to gently loosen the cheesecake from the side of the pan. Note: the cheesecake is puffed-up when it comes out of the oven - this will subside

After it's cooled on the rack and is ready for cold storage, put some plastic wrap on top and park in fridge until ready. Oh, beautiful...

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• Cut a slice, put it on a plate, and top with some kick-ass Brown Sugar and Bourbon Cream (recipe below)

Here's what it looks like when you remove the springform pan ring. Check-out that top: no cracks. I am a cheesecake wizard! (is that a thing?)

FAQs

• I don't have a springform pan, do I need one? >> Yes. Go get one
• Drying the canned pumpkin - are you serious? >> Yes. There is a lot of extra water/moisture in the pumpkin, which will affect the texture of the finished cheesecake
• Room temp eggs & cream cheese. Why? >> For the cream cheese, it will make it easier to mix. For the eggs, it will fluff-up better
• Do I really need to wrap my springform pan with foil? >> Yes. Even the best springform pans will leak - allowing that water to get into your succulent cheesecake
• Why should I put the cheesecake and roasting pan in the oven before I add the boiling water? >> Because the water makes the rig super-heavy. Putting the pan on the rack and then adding water will make it easy - just slide it into the oven and you're done
• Should I take the temperature of the cheesecake to check doneness? >> You can. I've cooked a number of these, so I know what to look for - slight jiggle in the middle and it's done
• What if it cracks? >> It's very common for the cheesecake to crack - it happens sometimes. Just use that as the first cut, and everything will be ok. Cooking at a low temp (325) and then allowing to cool slowly (first by leaving the cheesecake in the water and then cooling out of the water) will help prevent cracking, but it can still happen

Brown Sugar & Bourbon Cream
Makes ~3 cups

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup heavy cream
• ½ cup sour cream
• 1/3 cup packed brown sugar
• 1/8 teaspoon salt
• 2 teaspoons bourbon

Hello bourbon - it's a party now!

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a bowl, whisk all ingredients until combined. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate until ready to serve cheesecake, at least 4 hours or up to 24, stirring once or twice during chilling to ensure that sugar dissolves.

Dump ingredients, stir with whisk until combined

Pour into something for storage for a few hours (I use a 20oz glass beer mug), be sure to get all that left-over sugar, and cover with plastic wrap. Park in the fridge for 4-24 hours

2. When ready to serve cheesecake, beat mixture with whisk attachment at medium speed until small bubbles form around edges, about 40 seconds; increase speed to high and continue to beat until fluffy and doubled in volume, about 1 minute longer. Spoon cream on individual slices of cheesecake.

If you don't have a mixer, or access to a mixer at your in-laws house, pour the cream into a larger bowl and then whisk until soft peaks are formed. You don't want this to be a stiff whipped cream - you want it to ooze a little bit. Oh, that's good...

FAQs

• Seriously, 2 tsp of bourbon? >> You can go up to 3 tsp - but don't add too much, this is supposed to come-together as a whipped cream
• Bourbon?!? What about the children? >> Your kids need a some bourbon - just to get through the day

Recipe: Race Day Scrambled Eggs & Bacon

Today is the annual Chicago Marathon: booyah?! I'm not running (no chance), but I do want to celebrate the occasion by sitting in my chair and watching people run - for a little while, at least.

You know how runners like to carb-load the night before the race to gain/store energy? Well, for watching, I recommend a fat/protein load. Let's get to it!

Mmm, just what the cardiologist ordered

Race Day Scrambled Eggs & Bacon
Serves 4

INGREDIENTS

• 1/2 pound bacon, cut into small pieces
• 8 eggs
• 1 cup half & half
• 1 Tbs butter
• salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. For the bacon, it's best to begin with a frozen slab of bacon. Thaw slightly in the microwave (defrost setting, ~2 minutes) and then cut into 1/4" planks. This is way easier to do when frozen. If you're starting from thawed bacon, cut into 1/4" pieces. If your knife is not ninja-sharp, this will be an epic pain in the ass.
2. Over medium-high heat, cook bacon in a large nonstick skillet until brown and crispy
3. While the bacon is cooking, crack the eggs into a bowl, add half & half, and whisk whisk whisk it up
4. When bacon is complete, remove from the pan with a slotted spoon and put onto a plate lined with paper towels (this will mop-up some of that bacon grease). Dump the bacon grease into the sink. Leave some grease in the bottom of the pan - just the amount that doesn't pout out.
5. Return the skillet to the cooktop, add butter, and allow to melt. When butter has melted and stopped foaming, pour the eggs into the pan. Begin stirring - allow those curds to form on the bottom. Oh yeah.
6. When the eggs have mostly set, add the bacon and cook together. Add a little salt & pepper for flavor. Cook until the eggs are set, but not too tight.
7. Done - eat 'em up.

NOTES:

• Seems like a lot of half & half, are you sure? >> Yes. Half & half is better than milk. My scrambled eggs are the best because I use the right dairy. Yours can be good too if you just do what I say.

Review: Hot & Spicy Pickles

GODDAMN! These are hot.

Here's an idea - next time, just set your mouth and asshole on fire

Most times, especially in the summer, we want to explore a little bit of the hot & spicy. Pickles are now no exception. Saw these in the grocery store and thought they were a logical next step for my pickle journey.

The First Bite

Those of you familiar with Claussen know about that freshness. Their regular pickles are great - found in the refrigerator case - cool and crisp and just enough tang. These fireball pickles begin the same way. First taste is classic Claussen.

One second later...

HOLY SHIT, MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE! They might have overachieved a bit on the spicy, these are pretty intense. Finish the pickle, then finish your beer and then another beer to hose-down this fucking inferno.

Would I recommend these pickles?

Yes. For two reasons.

1. Spicy heat releases endorphins, which make you feel good. Put-down a few of these pickles, and you'll feel great (mostly because, when you stop eating them, the end-of-pain will be welcome relief)
2. For that jerk-off who claims that nothing is too hot. Sure, a masochist who eats raw chiles is prepared for some heat, but these will come from left field. No one expects a harmless pickle to be the devil - dripping in vinegar, no less...

Do yourself a favor, and dedicate some space in your icebox for these fiery pickles. Misery loves company, and I need some now...

Review: Chicago Manhattans

I've been known to enjoy a Manhattan, or three. On a recent week-long work trip to downtown Chicago, I had the opportunity to taste a few. Let's rate them and see how they stacked-up - it will be fun!

Monday night: The Bedford

Drinks in the bank vault? Sounds good to me.

The Manhattans and the service were great. The dark cherry was a welcome change from a typical maraschino.

Monday night #2: Bub City

Howdy, pardner!

After great drinks and a nice dinner, live country music and forgettable Manhattans. What more would you expect?

Monday night #3: Snickers

Looks can be deceiving, but not this time. It's a dive.

Ok, Bub City just closed, but we still need some drinks. "Snicker's" across the street? Yes. I believe I may have had a Manhattan and it was marginal at best, but my memory is clouded. Go figure.

Tuesday night: ugh, no Manhattans tonight. Even a badass needs to sleep sometimes.

Wednesday night: Epic

 

Not so comfortable rooftop. $13 Manhattan in a plastic glass?

The Manhattan was lame and overpriced. The bartender certainly wasn't hired for her mixology. One Manhattan and done. Also, Guinness from a can? Let's get out of here.

Wednesday night #2: Rockit

Upscale sports bar? Kind of. Good food.

Had a Manhattan upon arrival, and it was good, but I'm just not feelin' it tonight. Have a Farmhouse burger and a few beers.

Wednesday night #3: Blue Frog

Privacy shower curtains in the men's room are part of the charm of this place. Then hit the stage to redeem myself as the karaoke king of Chicago

Want a drink at this karaoke dive? Stick to PBR in a can - it's the local favorite.

Wednesday night #4: The Hangge Uppe

Try not to touch anything.

Blue Frog closes at 2 (last call ~1:15); Hangge Uppe is open until 4:00. Why not? Definitely did not order a Manhattan - not really sure what I would get. I did; however, stick to the floor for a few hours.

Thursday night: The Benchmark

Decent place in Oldtown. Pretentious ladies and bros who've grown-up.

I had one Manhattan - it was fine, but again, not feeling it. Maybe this is a bad week to judge Manhattans...

And, the winner...

Tall Pinkie with a Splash

At the company picnic Thursday, I drank a raft of these...

INGREDIENTS

• Pre-made vodka & pink lemonade (no clue on the ratios)
• Extra vodka
• Lime wedge
• Ice

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Walk-up to the bartender, and using your existing plastic cup as a guide, motion 3/4 of the glass for "pinkie," ask for an extra splash of vodka, and a lime
2. Bartender looks at you sideways and then obeys - they are getting paid for this after all
3. Return to friends and associates and their pink drink mockery. Whatever.

Recipe: Badass Creamy Rosemary Parmesan Polenta

Tired of potatoes or noodles on the side? Me neither, but this polenta is a nice change. The rosemary and parmesan cheese flavors were perfect alongside the pork roast I made too. BOOM, TUESDAY NIGHT DINNER!

That rosemary sprig is over the top, but this is generally how it will look

INGREDIENTS

• 1.5 cups Coarse Ground Cornmeal (aka polenta or grits)
• 4.5 cups Water
• 1 cup Half & Half
• 1 Cup Shredded Parmesan Cheese
• 1+ Tbs Salt
• 1/3 Cup Olive Oil
• 1 Tbs Rosemary (rubbed)
• 4 Tbs Butter (that's 1/2 stick)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a medium saucepan, add 4.5 cups of water and  bring to a boil. Add salt. Slowly stir-in the polenta/grits, stir, bring to a boil, and reduce heat. Cook for ~20 mins.
2. In a small saucepan, add olive oil and rosemary. Warm oil on low heat - should take ~5 mins. Do not allow to bubble - you just want to lightly infuse the oil and rosemary together - boiling will change the flavor of the oil and is against the rules for this dish. When oil is warm/hot, turn-off the heat and allow to sit.
3. Continue stirring the polenta. It will thicken as it cooks. Also, the "grittiness" will smooth-out and become creamy. Oh yeah.
4. After ~20 mins, check the polenta. When creamy, add the butter, cheese, and half & half. Stir until the cheese is melted. Check the flavor - add salt if needed. Add the oil/rosemary and stir to combine.
5. Serve.

FAQs

• What do you mean "rubbed" rosemary? << Just take the rosemary and squeeze it between your fingers. This will release some of the essential oils in the rosemary and jazz-up that flavor.
• What is the difference between polenta and grits? << Nothing. Usually you see polenta as yellow and grits as white, but they are completely interchangeable.
• Why no garlic or other things I see in other parmesan/rosemary polenta recipes? << Everything doesn't need to be dripping with garlic. Take a break.

Wurst Father's Day Ever

Father's Day checklist:

1. Eat delicious food
2. Have a few beers

Done and done.

For dinner, the Badass wife thought about hot dogs on the grill and I thought about bratwurst. Turns out we both won.

2-stage fire. Notice how the coals are under the bratwurst but not under the hot dogs.

This allows you to char at times and "bake" at other times

Wurst Father's Day Ever

Serves 4 + dog + leftovers

INGREDIENTS

• Hot dogs
• Bratwurst
• 2 large onions, sliced in half and then sliced thin
• Kosher salt
• 2 Tbs dry sherry*
• 2 Tbs butter
• Sausage fixin's (buns, ketchup, mustard, etc.)

INSTRUCTIONS

Meats

1. In your 15+ year old Weber kettle grill, build a 2-stage fire
2. Place the hot dogs and bratwurst on the hot side and char for 1-2 minutes
3. Flip and char the other side for an additional 1-2 minutes
4. Move to the "cool" side, cover the grill, and walk away. For 5 minutes
5. Return to grill, flip sausages, cover, and walk away for a few more minutes
6. Evacuate sausages to a plate

Sauteed Onions

1. Heat a saucepan to medium high heat
2. Add butter and allow to melt
3. Add onions and sprinkle-on ~1-2 tsp of kosher salt
4. Cover and cook for ~5 minutes
5. Check the onions, they should be softened, but probably not browning - that's fine. Stir, cover, and walk away for another 3-5 minutes
6. Check the onions. They should be beginning to brown. Stir, cover, and return every few minutes, stirring and checking. Drop the heat to medium
7. When the sides of the saucepan are starting to get brown with cooked onion, add 2 Tbs dry sherry and deglaze. This will loosen the brown bits and return those bits of flavor to the onion. Cover and cook for another few minutes.
8. Check the onions, when dark golden color, the onions are done. Evacuate to a bowl and wait for dinner time.

After dinner there were still a few spoonfuls of onions left

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• Bratwurst + bun + onions + dark mustard. Done.
• Leave the hot dogs for the kids (and the dog - what a lucky dog!)

RECIPE NOTES

• Dry sherry: whenever I reach for the dry sherry in the cupboard, I have to belt-out a rendition of "Dry Sherry" in the style of Journey. Enjoy the nightmares! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=te1CVVlaJzA

Badass Lentil Salad

Never in the history of food have the words "badass," "lentils," and "salad" been thrown together. Until now.

Badass Lentil Salad
Makes enough for ~6 lunches

Lentil salad at work. Glamorous, no?

INGREDIENTS

• 1 lb Pardina Lentils
• 2 Boneless Chicken Breasts
• 1 English (seedless) Cucumber, quartered and sliced
• 3 Sweet Bell Peppers (assorted colors), sliced thin
• 1/2 Red Onion, sliced thin
• 1 can Chick Peas or Garbanzo Beans (whichever available)
• Handful of Italian (flat leaf) parsely, chopped fine
• 1/2 bottle Italian Salad Dressing

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cook the lentils
• Add the lentils to a medium saucepan (make sure there are no sticks or stones hidden in your lentils) and cover with water by 1 inch
• Heat until boiling. Add ~2 Tbs kosher salt (or 1 Tbs table salt)
• Drop the heat and simmer until al dente (tender but toothsome)
• Drain in a mesh strainer, rinse with cold water, and allow to drip for a few minutes. Put cooked lentils in a huge bowl
2. Cook the chicken
• In a nonstick skillet, heat ~1 Tbs of oil (I used olive oil) over medium-high heat until shimmering
• Add chicken breasts, sizzle, and cover. Cook for ~5 minutes
• Flip the breasts, sizzle, and cover. Cook for another ~5 minutes (check for chicken doneness - if not quite cooked, cut in-half lengthwise and cook a little longer)
• When done, evacuate to a plate, allow to cool until ok to touch
• Slice into very thin fork-sized pieces - add to bowl of lentils
3. Prepare the veggies
• Peppers: cut-off the four sides of each pepper (12 sides total). Then slice into very thin pieces (see pepper detail)
• Cucumber: cut-off either end of the cucumber, peel "most" of the dark green skin, cut in half lengthwise and then half again (result: 4 long quarters of cucumber), and then slice thinly
• Red onion: cut-off top and bottom of onion and then cut in half (pole to pole). Cut onion half in-half again (pole to pole) and slice thin. Result: thin quarter-onion rings. In a mesh strainer, rinse onion under cold water - allow to drain.
• Chick peas: drain can of beans into mesh strainer, rinse thoroughly with cold water.
• All veggies: when fully prepared, add to giant lentil bowl.
4. Add Italian dressing and parsley
5. Stir. Add a little salt, if needed
6. Done.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• Scoop into a bowl and eat with a spoon. It's the least glamorous thing you'll eat - except spray cheese from the can standing in-front of the fridge at 2 in the morning. That's less glamorous.

FAQs

• Is this a joke, or something? >> Sadly, no. In an effort to reduce carbs, I have turned to the lowly lentil. It's high protein and low carb and a good staple when trying to put-together a weight-loss lunch for the office. Cheap and easy.
• What are Pardina lentils? >> These lentils are more robust. When cooked, they stay together. Most other lentils completely disintegrate when cooking and must be handled differently.

Badass Mother's Day (crepes for my lady)

Hey, it’s Mother’s Day again, and your wife refuses to leave the bed until the children serve breakfast in it – what do you do?  Well, if you’re like me, and you don’t trust the children to NOT burn-down the house, then it’s downstairs to the crepe-making place…

Mmm, crepes...

Crepe Batter
Makes enough for ~12 8” crepes

INGREDIENTS

• 2 eggs
• 3/4 cup milk
• 1/2 cup water
• 2 Tbs sugar
• 1 cup flour
• 3 Tbs melted butter

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Combine all ingredients and mix vigorously.  Be sure to evenly blend all ingredients into a homogenous mixture.  Park in the fridge for ~30 minutes – this will allow the mixture to come-together as one.
2. Heat a small (8”) non-stick pan to medium.  Add a small amount of butter to the pan (for lubrication purposes).  Ladle an amount of crepe batter that will evenly cover the bottom of the pan – to an approximate 1/8” thickness.  Cook for up to a minute – just enough time to “set” the bottom of the crepe.  Flip the crepe, and cook the other side (the second side should take less time – try 30 seconds to start).
3. Remove the crepe from the pan, place on a plate and cover with a kitchen towel (if planning to serve warm).  When you’ve amassed enough crepes, you may fill and serve.

SERVICE OPTIONS

• Spoon some filling down the center of the crepe and roll-up like a burrito.  There’s really no wrong way to fill a crepe. (filling options listed below...)

FAQs

• Crepe Technique?? >> the real ‘trick’ about crepes is the technique.  You want to allow the batter to spread itself throughout the pan evenly.  I ladle an appropriate amount of batter in the pan, and swirl it around until it’s even.  Practice with the first couple crepes – there should be enough for you to experiment.  If this is your first crepe making adventure, make a double-batch with the express intent of sacrificing an entire legion of misshapen breakfast quick-breads.
• Sugar?? >> this is a recipe for ‘sweet’ crepes.  There are such things as ‘savory’ crepes, but that is not my concern here – just remove the sugar if you want to fill it with BBQ chicken or something like that...

Berries & Cream Filling
Good for crepes, and just about anything else

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup heavy cream
• 2 Tbs granulated sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla
• Berry assortment (strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries – you choose the mix)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Rinse all berries.  If using strawberries, cut them to match the size of the other berries.  Add rinsed/cut berries to a bowl and add 1 Tbs of sugar; mix.  This will help macerate the berries, which will force them to release some juices.  Trust me, this is what you want.  Put the berries in the fridge for 30+ minutes.
2. In the bowl of your stand mixer, add the heavy cream, 1 Tbs of sugar, and vanilla, and beat with the whisk attachment until stiff peaks form.  No stand mixer?  Change ‘stand mixer’ to ‘large bowl’ and ‘whisk attachment’ to ‘whisk under human power.’  It will take longer and far more effort by hand, but the taste will remain the same.

Chocolate & Banana Filling
Another winning combo

INGREDIENTS

• 2 bananas, sliced
• Jar of Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. No prep – just spread the Nutella on your crepe, and layer bananas inside – completely idiot-proof.

“Boston Cream” Filling
Holy shit! This was new for 2012, and OMIGOD it was a hit. Basically, it’s Nutella and pastry cream together. Wow. 

INGREDIENTS

• 2 Cups milk
• 1/4 Cup + 1/3 Cup granulated sugar
• 1 egg + 2 egg yolks
• 1/4 Cup cornstarch
• 2 Tbs butter
• 1 tsp vanilla
• Jar of Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread)

INSTRUCTIONS

Pastry Cream

1. In a small saucepan, cook 2 Cups milk and 1/4 Cup of sugar until the milk boils – then no further.
2. While the milk is heating, mix the whole egg and two egg yolks with a whisk until creamy and lightened in color. Add the 1/3 Cup sugar and 1/4 Cup cornstarch and whisk until fully blended and smooth.
3. When the milk begins to boil, remove from the heat and slowly introduce the boiling milk to the eggs. Slowly because if you pour all that heat into the eggs, you’ll scramble them – no good. What you’re doing is called “tempering,” and it’s a way to introduce something hot into something cold without “cooking” the cold thing. I use a ladle and do it one ladle-full at a time.
4. When all the hot milk has been incorporated, pour the whole thing back into the pot and cook (gently) for a few minutes, or until the mixture thickens. How long will this take? Oh, maybe a few DAMN SECONDS, holy shit – I turned my back on it yesterday, and then had a thick pot of stuff – luckily it wasn’t ruined, but stay close: this is going to set-up quickly.
5. When thickened, turn-off the heat, add the butter and vanilla and stir to melt the butter.
6. Pour into a bowl, cover with plastic wrap (directly touching the cream – to prevent a “skin” from forming) and park in the fridge until cooled. This will take 1+ hours.

Crepe assembly

1. Like in the chocolate-banana crepes, smear a crepe with Nutella spread and spoon-on some pastry cream.
2. Roll-up like a crepe and put on a plate. 

Technique: Bell Pepper Prep

Most times, when you need to use a bell pepper, you want strips (like for fajitas) or diced (like for other dishes). Rarely do you want the bell pepper to retain any form of its shape following preparation.

So, how do you handle this weirdly-shaped vegetable and those damn seeds?

Cut-off the side (or "cheek") of the pepper.

There are four sides - each will be flat and ready to work. 

AND, there will be no seeds to mess with.

Once the cheek of the pepper is removed, 

you can then slice it into strips - easy

Or dice it 

(slice into strips first, and then dice those strips)

Note

This also works for other vegetables - especially when you want diced tomatoes for taco night.

Recipe: Split Pea Soup

Egad, it's been a while since I posted. Have you all been starving in the meantime? I sure hope so - I don't want to consider what you're eating without my careful guidance and teachings.

Hey, it's springtime - the time of soup? Well, sure. People like soup - it's easy to eat. AND, when it's this easy to make, you don't ask questions:

Split Pea Soup
Makes approx. 1 gallon. Yeah, it looks disgusting, but it tastes oh so good…

Smooth. That's heavy cream artfully swirled on-top.

I am an expert. You can also sprinkle bacon on this: oh yeah.

INGREDIENTS

• 1 lb Dried Split Peas
• 6+ Cups Chicken Broth
• 2 Onions, diced
• 2 Stalks Celery, diced
• 1 Large Carrot, diced
• 3 Russet Potatoes, peeled and diced
• 1/2 lb. Bacon, cut into 1/2" pieces
• 2 Tbs Butter
• 2 tsp Cumin
• 1/2 tsp Thyme
• Salt & Black Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large stockpot, cook the bacon over medium heat until crispy.  We’re trying to extract the grease from the bacon AND cook bacon to be used later as garnish.  Basically, cook the bacon until crispy but not burnt.  Evacuate the bacon to a paper towel lined plate, and pour off all but 3 Tbs of grease from the pot. 
2. Add butter, onions, celery, and carrots to pot and sauté until onions are softened and translucent – about 10 minutes.
3. Add peas, potatoes, chicken broth, cumin, and thyme and simmer for ~30 minutes or until peas are tender.
4. Using your kick-ass stick blender, buzz the soup until smooth.  Oh, don’t have a sick blender?  Well, I suggest getting one immediately.  If you still don’t have one, you can puree the soup (in batches) in your blender.  Make sure the top is securely fastened – hot soup is painful when it sprays you in the eye!
5. Serve and eat!

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• You can garnish this with a little bit of heavy cream floated on top or even a dollop of sour cream.  That little blast of dairy would be a nice touch. You can also sprinkle-on the bacon. A sprinkling of bacon is always welcome to anything.

FAQs

• Bacon? >> Go figure, another great tasting dish that has bacon at its core.  In this case, the bacon is the smokiness that begins the flavor journey.  Be honest, you LOVE that there’s bacon in this soup...
• Can I go rustic? >> Yeah, I've seen this kind of soup served-up peasant style with all kinds of chunks and things. Let's be honest, a smooth pea-green soup is way more elegant than a chunky pea-green soup. You can eat what you like, but I'm teaching badass elegance here - not hipster-return-to-roots kinds of soup.

Recipe: Spaghetti with Meat Sauce

Now that the holidays are over, and we're all watching our weight, it's time to return to healthful alternatives. BUT WAIT, there's still a little time left for an Italian carb-load feast with plenty of flavor, but this is the LAST time (until the next time - I know how it goes...)

Parsley optional

Spaghetti with Meat Sauce
Serves 4-6 people twice (e.g. makes two dinners this week - easy/lazy meal)

INGREDIENTS

• 2 lbs ground beef
• 1 28 oz can diced tomatoes
• 1 28 oz can crushed tomatoes
• 1 12 oz can tomato paste
• 8 oz mushrooms, sliced
• 2 large bay leaves
• 2 cloves garlic, minced or crushed
• 2 tsp dried oregano
• 1.5 Tbs dried basil
• 1 tsp fennel seed
• 1+ large onion, diced
• 1 Tbs sugar
• 1 Cup Half & half
• 1/4 Cup red wine (optional)
• Olive oil
• Salt & pepper
• 1 lb spaghetti (or equivalent noodle)

INSTRUCTIONS

Sauce

1. Heat a large saucepan/stockpot to medium-high, add ~2 Tbs olive oil, and cook the onion until softened (about 5 minutes). Add mushrooms and cook another few minutes - until the mushrooms have softened and shrunk. Add garlic and ground beef and cook until brown (about 8 more minutes). 
2. Clear a space in the middle and add the half & half. Cook for another 5 minutes to boil-off the water - you just want the milk fat, yo.
3. Dump-in tomato products and stir well. Bring to slight boil (bubbles should just start breaking the surface).
4. Lower heat to med-low, and spices and liquor: oregano, basil, fennel seed, bay leaves, wine, and black pepper (to taste) - hold-off on the salt for a little bit. Cover, and cook for ~30 minutes: enough time for the flavors to blend together. Stir occasionally - you don't want the sauce to stick to the bottom of the pot.
5. Skew the lid of the pot and continue to cook for another 30 minutes. Keep returning to the pot occasionally to stir. 
6. Check seasoning and add salt (if needed) and sugar. Cook for another 10 minutes.
7. Ready to serve or rest (see note)

Pasta

1. Heat at least a gallon of water in a large stockpot on the stove. Pro tip: cover the pot while heating to make it reach a boil faster. Do not add oil to the water - that will not help anything.
2. When the water reaches a boil, add 3-4 Tbs of kosher salt to the water (use 1-2 Tbs of table salt if you don't have the kosher salt) and stir to dissolve
3. Add the pasta and cook to the approximate time on the box/bag
4. Drain in a colander - do not rinse.
5. Use immediately - cover to keep the pasta warm.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• Ladle generously over cooked pasta or eat from the pot with a spoon.  Don't get any on your fancy clothes.

FAQs

• Check seasoning - what am I checking for? >> You’re checking for salt. Add salt. Add a little less than you think you need, and check again in a few minutes. It's better to under-salt than over-salt.
• What does "rest" mean? >> This sauce is good the day it's made, but it's OH SO MUCH BETTER the day after it's made. Just allow to cool in the pot and then transfer to a fridge-friendly container (I use two half-gallon mason jars). The next day, reheat and serve over pasta. You can also freeze this sauce – works great!