Technique: Pie Crust and Recipe: Bacon & Onion Quiche

Bacon & onion quiche. 

Also peas and home-made hash browns. Dinner time

Wait a second... Isn't there already a quiche recipe on this site? Yes, there is, but that was ham and cheese - this is bacon and onion. Big difference? No, but it's a way of revisiting the quiche in general - which is generally a good thing.

So let's begin!

First, let's talk about the differences between the earlier recipe and this one:

• The pie crust in the earlier recipe called for water and vodka, this only wants water
• The pie crust in the earlier recipe was made by hand, this was made in a food processor

What does this mean? Sounds like there are a few different ways to make a pie crust. YOU ARE CORRECT! Here's what you want from a pie crust:

A pie crust should be tender and flaky:

1. Tender: this means a minimum amount of gluten. Gluten is the protein that gives structure to baked breads. It is created/strengthened by working dough. The more you work a piece of dough, the more gluten is created. To maximize tenderness, minimize the dough work. Tender!
2. Flaky: this means there are layers and layers of the dough. This is done by thin "sheets" of fat separating flour particles from one another. When the dough cooks, and the fat melts away, the sheets of flour are all that remain. Flaky!

The earlier recipe substituted vodka for some of the water in an effort to minimize the gluten. Sounds like a decent idea, but kind of a pain. Also, vodka is for drinking! The new recipe relies on the speed and efficiency of the food processor to minimize the working of the dough and the formulation of the gluten. Let's just agree that the two pillars of a successful pie crust are creating layers of fat & flour and the minimization of the gluten formation. Honor those two tenets, and your pie crust will be A.O.K.

Next, is this bad ass? Yes, proper cooking and science literacy are both bad ass. Otherwise, it's dumb ass.

Bacon & Onion Quiche

Serves 6 (probably, or 4 for dinner and then 2 for left-over breakfast)

Pie Crust

INGREDIENTS

• 1 1/2 Cups All purpose flour
• 1/2 Cup Vegetable shortening (aka Crisco)
• 3 Tbs Cold butter, cut into thin pieces
• 1/2 tsp Table salt
• 2-4 Tbs Cold water

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In the workbowl of your food processor, add the flour and salt, and process until mixed (like 2 damn seconds)
2. Add the shortening and butter and process in bursts until evenly processed and no fat is individually visible (like 5 pulses)
3. Through the feed tube, add 2 Tbs of water and process until it comes-together as a dough (like 3-4 seconds)

When the dough comes-together, it will look like this. A dough ball in the processor.

4. If it doesn't come-together, add a little more water and process until it does (add a small amount at a time - the goal is to add only as much water as the dough needs and no more)
5. Dump the dough onto your clean countertop (sprinkled with a small amount of flour to keep it from sticking)
6. Work the dough lightly into a hockey puck shape. Wrap with wax paper (or plastic wrap) and put into the fridge for 1-24 hours. This will rest the dough, allow the fat to re-congeal, and allow the water to hydrate the remaining dry flour in the dough. It needs at least an hour, but more time won't hurt it.
7. Remove the dough from the fridge and have the pie plate ready
8. Dust your countertop and your rolling pin with a small amount of flour (like 2 and 1 Tbs respectively)

This is the right amount of flour for your work surface

9. Deposit the hockey puck into the flour and roll in one direction (from you toward the wall). Then turn the dough 90 degrees and roll again (from you toward the wall). You want to avoid rolling any which way because this will cause some parts of your dough to be thinner than the other parts. Baking is a cruel bitch, and she demands motherfucking precision.
10. If the dough sticks a little to the counter, toss a little flour under there and keep going. Keep rolling and turning until it's ~1/8" thick and bigger than your pie plate by ~2" all around.
11. Transfer your perfect dough to the ready pie plate. To do this easily, lightly "roll" the dough around your rolling pin and unroll it into the pie plate. Try to get it perfectly centered, otherwise gently shift it into position. CAREFUL: that pie crust is kinda fragile. If you rip it or something, just push the two parts together - it should mend. This works best if you don't use TOO MUCH DAMNED FLOUR when rolling-out the dough. Too much flour will prevent the dough from sticking to itself for repairs.

Easily move the dough by wrapping it around the pin

12. Artfully prepare the edges of your pie. I like these best:
1. Fluted-edge
2. Crisscross edge
3. Petal edge
4. and Rope edge. Save the others for your retirement when you have nothing but time and need to impress the ladies' auxiliary with your home baking skills

Scallop edge: sure it looks nice, but that's a lot of work

13. Cut a sheet of parchment paper slightly larger than your pie, press the paper lightly to the bottom dough, and add enough pie weights to cover the bottom. WHAT THE?!? Read the note about this step below.
14. Blind bake your crust at 425 degrees for 15 minutes.
15. The pie crust is complete and ready for savory fillings.

RECIPE NOTES

• Parchment paper and whatnot? >> To achieve a cooked bottom crust, we'll need to pre-bake the pie crust. If we just bake it as-is, the bottom will bubble-up because the heat from the bottom of the pie plate will cook the fat and make steam. The steam will have no place to go and will make a bubble. The bubble will eventually cook and set that way - crusty. We need to either 1. keep the bubbles from forming (pie weights) or 2. give the steam an escape route. I prefer using the pie weights, but if you don't have those, "dock" your pie crust before baking. That means pierce it all-over with a fork. Don't go apeshit, just make enough holes for any trapped steam to find an escape route. I prefer a perfectly clean and hole-free bottom crust, but this will be fine for a quiche.

Pie weights on the left; docking on the right. Choose one

• Why butter and shortening? >> Shortening makes the best flakes but butter tastes better. Using both (more shortening) will allow you to live in both worlds - flaky and delicious. That's also why we added salt: for taste.

Quiche

INGREDIENTS

• 5 Large eggs (3 whole and 2 yolks)
• 1+ Cup Half & half
• 8 oz. Bacon, cut-up into small pieces (like 1/2" or something)
• 1 Onion, diced
• 8 oz. Shredded cheese (you choose the type - see note)
• Black pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cook the bacon in a skillet until almost crispy. The texture won't really toughen-up any more in the quiche, so cook it how you like it. For most people, this is just past leathery and short of brittle. Set the bacon aside.
2. IN THE SAME DAMNED SKILLET, remove about half the bacon grease and cook the onion until tender and translucent (about 5-10 minutes depending on heat). Why use the same skillet? For flavor, dummy. Set the cooked onions aside.
3. In a 2 Cup glass measuring cup, crack three eggs and then add two egg yolks. Separating eggs is easy:
1. Crack the egg over the sink (or, if you want to preserve the white, over a bowl)
2. Carefully separate the shell positioning the yolk in either half
3. Allow the white to drip away - shift the yolk around in the shell to dislodge as much white (albumen) as possible
4. Dump the yolk into your 2 Cup measuring cup and repeat
4. With a fork, violently mix the eggs into a homogeneous yellow mass of fat and protein. Yum.
5. Add enough half & half to slightly exceed the 2 Cup mark on the glass measuring cup. The goal is slightly more than 2 Cups of liquid. If you're using dry measuring cups, fill it to the top, dump into a bowl, and then add a little more half & half.

See how there's space above the 2 Cup markings?

This is a liquid measuring cup. Use this one.

6. Add pepper to taste and violently stir some more - until homogeneously combined.
7. To the pre-cooked pie crust, add some cheese, then some bacon & onion, then a little more cheese, then the rest of the bacon & onion, then the rest of the cheese (it's a cheese-meat-cheese-meat-cheese sandwich).
8. Pour the egg mixture over the whole thing, slowly. If you're using a shallow pie plate, you might not use all the egg mixture. If you're using a deep pie plate, well, remember that next time and slightly increase all the ingredients to fill-up your bottomless pie bucket of a plate. Sheesh.
9. Carefully place the quiche into the oven and cook at 350 for ~45 minutes. At 40 minutes, check the quiche by lightly jiggling the dish - if the center doesn't move (or moves very little), the quiche is done. Otherwise, cook a few more minutes and check again.
10. Allow to cool slightly (like 10-15 minutes) and then cut into wedges and eat.

RECIPE NOTES

• What kind of cheese should I use? >> That's all about personal preference. I think Swiss goes pretty well with bacon and onion, but so does sharp cheddar. You want something with some flavor - stay away from mozzarella or Monterey Jack.

Recipe: Badass BLT Pizza

Holy shit, this was an incredible experiment! How do you take the awesome BLT sandwich and jam it into a pizza shape? I checked the internet, and it looked like there were plenty of pizzas that were "cheese" with bacon, tomato, and lettuce thrown on top. Bah, that's not what I wanted.

I WANTED A BLT ON A PIZZA CRUST!

Apparently, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself...

None of the pictures of "BLT Pizza" on the internet was exactly what I made. The tomatoes used in this pic are cut-in-half grape tomatoes. Whatever.

Badass BLT Pizza (you can also say "Badass BLT Flatbread" - it's ok)
...each pizza serves 4

INGREDIENTS (per pizza)

• 1 pizza crust (from the acclaimed Pizza Pizza recipe)
• 1/2 Cup mayonnaise
• 1/2 Cup sour cream
• 1/2 lb bacon
• 3 plum tomatoes
• 1 small head of Romaine lettuce
• Salt & pepper
• Sliced avocados (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cut the bacon into 1/2 inch pieces, and cook in a pan until slightly crispy. The bacon will not be cooked any further, so make it how you like it. Drain bacon on a paper towel lined plate and set aside
2. Cut the tomato flesh into a medium dice
1. Cut each side (the "cheek") off each tomato. There are four sides per tomato
2. Discard the middles (the "core") with the jelly and the seeds
3. Scoop-out the seeds and jelly from each tomato cheek
4. You are left with 12 clean tomato sides to work with. This is the easiest way to dice tomato and keep things presentable
3. Shred the lettuce into thin ribbons
4. Mix the sour cream and mayonnaise into a bowl. Add salt & pepper to taste. This is the sauce
5. Stretch the pizza dough onto a pizza pan and drizzle with a little olive oil. In a 450 degree oven, cook a pizza crust for ~10 minutes, or until slightly crispy. NOTE: it's easy to overcook a pizza crust with no toppings, so watch carefully.
6. Remove the pizza crust from the oven, slather-on the "sauce" (sour cream and mayo)
7. Sprinkle-on the cooked bacon, tomatoes, and lettuce
8. Using a pizza wheel, cut into 8 equal wedges, and stand back - people are liable to get a little crazy
9. Top with sliced avocado, if you like
10. BOOM, you are a hero of bacon

FAQs

• Slicing avocado is hard. Do you have a secret method? >> Yes, I do:
• Using a sharp knife, cut each avocado in half. The seed will remain in one of the halves
• Hold the seeded half in one hand, and with the other hand, chop lightly into the seed with your big-ass chef's knife. The knife should now be slightly embedded into the seed.
• Twist the knife and seed, which will remove the seed.
• Pinch the seed off the knife from the back of the knife. The seed will pop-off the blade, and you should still have all the fingers you began with.
• Using a "soup spoon" (that's the spoon in your drawer that is larger than a "tea spoon"), carve between the peel and the flesh, dislodging the flesh from the leathery peel
• Pop the flesh onto the cutting board, upside down
• The avocado is now ready for slicing - don't fuck it up, it's perfect now
• Romaine lettuce? Can I use something else? >> You can do whatever you want, but the romaine lettuce is darker green and looks awesome. Iceberg lettuce would look washed-out and sickly. And you don't want to eat a pizza that looks sickly...

Recipe: Scrambled Eggs w/ Bacon

Sunday is usually the "fancy breakfast day" around here, and more times than not I make scrambled eggs w/ bacon. Most people serve their eggs and bacon side by side, but that's not how I do it.

This isn't how I do it either. Eggs in a can, WTF?!? Seriously, the recipe below is easier than opening, making, and digesting eggs from a can...

Scrambled Eggs w/ Bacon

Serves 4 hungry hungry hippos

INGREDIENTS

• 1/2 lb bacon - chopped small (see note)
• 8-12 eggs (depends on hunger)
• 3/4 Cup half & half (may need more depending on eggs)
• 1 Tbs butter
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large frying pan, cook the bacon pieces over medium heat until almost crisp (a little leathery, but done)
2. Meanwhile, into a large bowl, crack the desired number of eggs. Whisk to break-up the eggs. Add half & half and whisk to homogenize
3. When the bacon is done, using a slotted spoon, evacuate the bacon to a paper towel-lined plate to reserve for later.
4. Dump the bacon grease into the sink, but retain some in the bottom of the pan - that's the flavor. Return the filthy frying pan to the butner and add the 1 Tbs butter and allow to melt.
5. Dump-in the eggs and begin gently stirring. Stir the eggs until curds begin to form on the bottom of the pan. As more and more curds form, scrape these off the bottom and keep stirring. It's this stirring action that will cook ALL the eggs to a delicious consistency.
6. When the eggs are almost complete, add the bacon and cook together until complete. Done.
7. Put on yo plate and shove in yo mouth!

FAQs

• Bacon chopping? >> Cutting bacon can be tough - especially when the bacon is fully softened. My trick is to use bacon that was in the freezer, and thawing it only slightly. If you have thawed bacon, try putting it in the freezer for 30 minutes or so before chopping. This should make it easier
• Why a paper towel-lined plate? >> I'm helping you with clean-up for later. If you put bacon on a paper towel, the towel will soak-up the grease and keep the kitchen neat and orderly. If we do it your way, we'll all be slipping on bacon grease for the next few days - definitely sub-optimal.