Recipe: Sugar Cookies

You like to decorate cookies for Christmas? Use these ones, and Santa won’t skip your plate of cookies this year.

Want to waste all your free time decorating cookies?
Then this is the recipe for you.

INGREDIENTS

• 3 Cups A/P Flour
• 3/4 tsp Baking Powder
• 1/4 tsp Salt
• 2 Sticks (16 Tbs) Unsalted Butter, softened
• 1 Cup Sugar
• 1 Egg, beaten
• 1 Tbs Half & Half
• 1 tsp Vanilla Extract
• Powdered Sugar for rolling out dough

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a small bowl, stir together flour, baking powder, and salt.
2. With an electric mixer, beat butter and sugar together until the butter lightens in color and is frothy. Add egg, half & half, and vanilla and mix to combine. With mixer on low, slowly add flour mixture until homogeneous.
3. Knead dough lightly with hands to ensure it is evenly mixed. Divide into two pieces, wrap each half with plastic, and refrigerate for at least 2 hours (overnight is better).
4. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
5. Sprinkle powdered sugar on a clean counter top and rolling pin. Roll-out one piece of dough to 1/4" thickness (NO THINNER, DAMMIT!) Cut with your cutest Christmas shapes (or Happy Hanukkah shapes for the Jews). Gingerly move the cut shape to a heavy baking sheet lined with parchment paper for baking. Leave 1” or more space between cookies.
6. When you've cut-out all the shapes that will fit, you can re-roll the scraps. Just gently form the scraps into a ball, flatten the ball, and then roll-out into another 1/4" disk. Use the second dough half when the first is completed – leave as much dough in the fridge for as long as possible. IT’S IMPORTANT TO KEEP THIS DOUGH COLD TO ENSURE ARTFUL AND SHARPLY CUT COOKIE EDGES – like, no duh!
7. Bake for 7 to 9 minutes rotating the cookies halfway-through the baking process.
8. Cool for 2 minutes on the cookie sheet and then evacuate to a cooling rack until cooled. You can store the cookies in a plastic storage bag until you want to decorate them or until you want to eat them – either way.

FAQs

• Unsalted Butter? >> Most baking recipes include salt and specify unsalted butter. This is because there are small differences in the amount of salt in yo butter. If I don’t have unsalted butter in the house, I generally assume ~1/4 tsp of salt is in each stick of butter. The actual salt is probably a little less than that, but you have to start somewhere.
• Electric Mixer >> You can certainly use that underpowered hand mixer for these cookies, but I wholeheartedly recommend breaking-out the big-ass stand mixer. It mixes all by itself, and leaves you two hands free for Christmas beer consumption.
• Parchment Paper >> So many people get all weirded-out by lining a baking pan with parchment paper. Trust me people, the paper isn’t going to burst into flames in your weak-fisted oven. I never bake anything without parchment paper. You can use a silicone mat (Silpat) is you have one, but remember: parchment paper is ~10 cents; silicone baking mat is ~$30.
• Icing >> The standard way to ice these cookies is with “Royal Icing.” It involves mixing egg whites, cream of tartar, and powdered sugar. This year I used white cake frosting (from a can) and the kids liked it. Be sure to load-up on sprinkles and colored sugar and all that bullshit – it’ll be a warm family moment.

Recipe: Brownies Two Ways

Either of these brownie recipes are the best damn brownies you’re likely to have tasted in your pitiful life. The difference is how the chocolate is being delivered: cocoa or chocolate bar. If I had to choose, I’d make both and just start wearing sweatpants!

There's no need to add weed to these brownies...

Cocoa Brownies

INGREDIENTS

• 4 large eggs
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 8 oz. melted butter (two entire sticks!)
• 1 1/4 cups cocoa, sifted (use “Dutched” cocoa – see note)
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup all-purpose flour, sifted
• 1/2 tsp kosher salt
• Nuts (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat the oven to 300 degrees
2. In a mixer with a whisk attachment, beat the eggs until they are fluffy and lighter in color (high-speed for a few minutes)
3. Swap-out the whisk for the paddle attachment, and mix-in the sugars until it is all blended-together well. This maneuver will incorporate air into the mix and fluff-up the brownie texture. If you don’t do this, you’ll end-up with leaden brownie logs.
4. Add the remaining ingredients and mix to combine. Be sure to NOT over-mix. Mixing flour will create gluten. Gluten is what gives structure to things like bread. Over-producing gluten will make tough brownies. Just mix it until it’s fully combined, then stop.
5. NUTS: if you like to add nuts, now is the time. Add up to a half-cup of chopped nuts to the brownies - walnuts or pecans are best.
6. Bake the brownies in an 8x8 baking dish (preferably, a square-sided metal baking pan) fitted with a parchment paper sling (see note).
7. Bake for 45+ minutes until a toothpick inserted in the center comes-out clean.
8. Let the brownies cool in the pan for ~5 minutes, and then evacuate the 8x8 brick to a rack for further cooling. Use the helpful parchment paper sling. Cut and eat the brownies when they are cooled completely.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• Cut into 2x2 squares, 16 pieces total. Doesn’t sound big enough? Just taste and you’ll see!

FAQs

• Nuts >> For added flavor, toast the nuts in a non-stick skillet over medium heat until they are warmed, or toast on a sheet pan in a 300 degree oven for ~10 minutes, or until fragrant. “Toasting” the nuts will release some essential oils and make them taste better.
• Nuts 2 >> I advocate mixing the nuts in with the batter. You can also “top” the batter with nuts before baking. Either way sounds good to me!
• Pan Prep >> For this recipe, you will need to pay careful attention to the pan because brownies are notorious for getting stuck in the corners of pans – especially in the square-sided pan I ordered you to use for baking. To properly prepare the pan, you will need an 8x16+ piece of parchment paper
1. Spread butter all over the pan (inside only please). The goal is to lightly coat all the metal surfaces without any build-up. Built-up butter will pool during baking, harden on the outer surface of the brownie, and be weird-looking.
2. Lay the parchment paper in the bottom of the pan – draping the long ends outside of the pan. This will create a “sling” for removing the brownies later. Don’t worry, parchment paper won’t burn in the oven and won’t leave off-flavors like wax paper would.
3. Butter the parchment paper too – just the bottom.
4. Dump-in the cocoa (or flour) and tilt and shake the pan until all the butter has been dusted with cocoa. This will create a barrier between the butter and the batter. Be sure to only lightly coat the butter and then throw-away the excess.
5. Pan is sufficiently prepared for brownie baking.

Chocolate Brownies

INGREDIENTS

• 4 large eggs
• 2 1/4 cups granulated sugar
• 12 oz. butter, cut into ~6 pieces
• 1 1/4 cups cake flour
• 6 oz. unsweetened chocolate, chopped fine
• 1 Tbs vanilla extract
• 3/4 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp kosher salt
• Nuts (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees
2. Whisk together flour, salt, and baking powder – set aside.
3. Melt chocolate and butter in large metal bowl set over saucepan of almost-simmering water (aka double boiler), stirring occasionally, until smooth. Add the butter a piece at a time until melted.
4. Remove from the heat and whisk-in the sugar and eggs (one at a time) until combined. Mix-in the vanilla. Fold-in the flour in three batches with a rubber spatula – remember about the gluten! Don’t over-mix flour! Stir until homogenous.
5. NUTS: if you like to add nuts, now is the time. Add up to a half-cup of chopped nuts to the brownies - walnuts or pecans are best.
6. Bake the brownies in a 9x13 baking dish (preferably, a square-sided metal baking pan) fitted with a parchment paper sling.
7. Bake for 30-35 minutes until a toothpick inserted in the center comes-out clean.
8. Let the brownies cool in the pan for ~5 minutes, and then use the parchment paper sling to evacuate the 9x13 brick to a rack for further cooling (~2 hours). Cut and eat the brownies when they are cooled completely.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• Cut into 2x2 squares, ~24 pieces total

FAQs

• Nuts >> See cocoa brownie notes on nuts
• Pan Prep >> See cocoa brownie notes on pan prep, but scale-up the sizes for the bigger pan (duh!)
• Double boiler, WTF?!? >> A “double boiler” is a tool to cook/melt something by using the steam generated by water that is barely simmering. This is a very gentle way to melt chocolate. If you were to melt chocolate in a pot on the stove, you’d definitely burn some and then separate the rest. The results would not be pretty. If you’re really too inept to attempt the double boiler trick, you can microwave the chocolate. Do this in 15-20 second “bursts” stirring after each burst. Stop microwaving when everything looks right. But I urge you to try the double boiler – it’s crucial if you ever hope to make hollandaise!
• Cake flour >> There are three basic types of flour based on protein content: cake, a/p, and bread. Cake flower has the lowest amount of protein and bread flour has the highest. It’s the protein in the flour that creates the gluten, and the gluten makes baked goods tough. So, for the tenderest baked goods, use cake flour. For the heartiest breads and pizza crusts, use bread flour. And, if you’re just not sure what to do, use all purpose flour.