Recipe: Biscuits and Gravy

So, you're looking for the perfect breakfast, eh? Well, look no further. What I've got here will help you gain those extra 10 pounds you've been missing - and in delicious manner. Also, might I add that this is a big hit with the ladies.

Wow! A plate full of biscuits, gravy, and scrambled eggs.

Is this heaven? No, it's breakfast.

Dude Likes Biscuits and Gravy

Being from the North, people wonder how in the hell I've first, developed a taste for biscuits and gravy, and second, amassed the requisite skills with which to build the most perfect plate of biscuits and gravy on the entire planet! Well, who knows? All I know is that these are perfect and easy and just what’s needed if you’re looking to expand-into those fat-pants your wife bought you for Christmas.

Mmm, biscuits taste good...

Biscuits

INGREDIENTS

• 2 Cups All-Purpose Flour + ~3/4 Cup extra for "rolling-out"
• 2 Tbs Cold Butter
• 2 Tbs Shortening (aka Crisco)
• 4 tsp Baking Powder
• 1/4 tsp Baking Soda
• 1 tsp Kosher Salt
• 1 Cup Buttermilk

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Mix the dry ingredients together (flour, salt, soda, powder). Some would ask you to "sift," but that's not badass - sifting is for pussies!
2. Cut the butter into little cubes (you can easily get 8 cubes) and put it in the dry ingredients - also add the shortening. Knead the butter and shortening into the dry ingredients with your fingertips. The goal is to get the fats covered with flour and into smaller and smaller pieces. The danger is working the fats so much that they melt. Stop kneading when the dry/fat mixture resembles cornmeal (~2 minutes)
3. Pour-in the buttermilk, and mix together briefly with a large spoon. The goal is to get the buttermilk into the mix, but this isn't a "stirring" kind of thing - just mix a few times and move-on.
4. Sprinkle some flour on the counter, and dump the bowl's contents onto the flour. This is the part where you'll knead your biscuit dough, but it's a tricky part, so pay attention moron:
5. You'll now have a heap of dry and wet (it's not homogeneous) lump of dough on the floured counter. I use both hands, and push the dough together, then flop-it 90 degrees to the right (a new surface will be on the board) and repeat until the dough resembles "dough." The goal is to be as gently as possible with the dough - over-working biscuit dough will make them tough, and you'll know it as soon as you take that first bite. My biscuits are God damn good because I do it right.
6. Be sure to add flour as you need it. You'll probably have to sprinkle the top and the bottom of the dough a few times. Plan on working the dough for no more than one minute. You should use nearly all the flour - at least 1/2 cup.
7. Shape the dough into a ~3/4" high layer of dough. It doesn't have to be round--you're not making a pie crust--just get it into a rough rectangle shape. Use your hands to push-down the dough. You don't need a rolling pin - hands are good enough. If you use a rolling pin, I'm going to come-over and bash it over your head...
8. Use a biscuit cutter to cut-out the biscuits. WTF is a biscuit cutter? Glad you asked. It's a tool use to cut biscuits into repeatable shapes. Since you don't have one, you can use a soup can with the top & bottom cut off, or a drinking glass. The can will work better because the metal sides are thinner, but you get the idea: cut the biscuits into rounds the size of a soup can. Oh, and add "biscuit cutter" to your grocery list for next time - they're like $2, and will last forever.
• Scraps: you’re going to have scraps of dough. Mix-together the scraps as gently as possible and flatten-out into another rectangle. Repeat the biscuit cutting process. These biscuits will be tougher than the original ones, but still better than shitty restaurant biscuits.
9. Place the cut biscuits onto a sheet pan lined with parchment paper. The parchment paper is not an option, you MUST use it. Why? First, because I said so. Second, because it will keep the bottom of the dough from over-cooking. Also, you won't have to clean your sheet pan if you use parchment paper. Place the biscuits close to one another, but not touching – about 1/4” of space between biscuits.
10. Bake at 425 degrees for ~20 minutes. They're done when they're slightly browned on the outside - might be done early, but not less than 15 minutes.

FAQs

• How do I eat these? >> These biscuits are great by themselves, or even better with gravy (keep reading). Makes ~12 biscuits depending on size
• Salt: Can I skip the salt? >> Nope. I accidentally forgot the salt the other day, and the biscuits were bland. Tell your doctor you now have a high-sodium diet and to recalculate your blood pressure medicine.

Sausage Gravy

INGREDIENTS

• 1 lb Breakfast Sausage (1 tube)
• 3 Cups Milk (or 2 cups milk + 1 cup half & half)
• 1/3 Cup A/P Flour
• 1/2 tsp Cayenne Powder
• 3 Tbs Butter
• Black Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large saucepan cook the sausage in 1 Tbs of butter until browned. Remove the sausage with a slotted spoon - try to leave as much grease in the pot as possible. Reserve the sausage (that means, don't throw it away).
2. Check the pot - you'll need 3 Tbs of sausage grease/butter to continue. So, if you have too much, remove some. If you have too little, add a little butter.
3. Cook the flour in the melted butter/grease mixture for ~3 minutes. You're now making a roux ("roo," like kanga-roo). This is used as a thickener, and it works very well.
4. Once the flour has cooked, add the milk slowly - stirring the whole time. There are a few things you should have noticed when adding the milk: first, it hydrated the flour and made a thick paste; second, the paste got thinner and thinner as you added all the milk. Good job monkey, you did it right.
5. Cook the milk & roux mixture over medium heat for a few minutes. The goal is to return the milk to a simmer - the roux will thicken the whole amount of milk, but it happens as the mixture reaches boiling temperature (don't over boil this - you're not trying to sterilize surgical instruments). Add-in the cayenne pepper.
6. When the mixture hits a simmer, toss-in the reserved sausage and stir together. If it's too dry, feel free to add-in some more milk (or half & half), but not too much. Best to go a little at a time until it's perfect.
7. Put the remaining 2 Tbs of butter on the top (it'll melt-in, and that's good)
8. Eat

FAQs

• How to eat biscuits and gravy >> Take one or two biscuits, split them in half (think “Oreo”), and put them on the plate. Now pour-on the gravy. This makes more than enough for a family or four - probably the perfect amount for a family of six, but no one better want seconds. For the ultimate in early-morning decadence, serve with a helping of perfectly cooked scrambled eggs and a tank of black coffee. Next, clear a place on the couch for your nap.