This is Why You're Drunk: Limoncello Martini

My wife came home the other night from her sister's house with a gigantic bottle of Limoncello liqueur - seriously, the bottle was like 24" tall! Anyway, the sister couldn't fit the bottle in her freezer, so we get it. Apparently, we're known for the size of our freezer.

I immediately start thinking, "How can I use this liquor?" A quick internet search revealed porn, porn, and more porn. A deeper search revealed a bounty of recipes for Limoncello martinis. I used those, and made a better one:

Ah, refreshing lemony goodness

Badass Limoncello Martini
2 Parts Limoncello
2 Parts Absolut Citron (or your favorite citrus flavored vodka)
1 Part Simple Syrup*
Ice

1. Pour everything into your cocktail shaker. Affix top.
2. Shake the shit out of it.
3. Pour into martini glasses. Garnish with a thinly sliced lemon wheel in the glass

Simple Syrup
1 Cup Sugar
1 Cup Water

1. Put both ingredients into a small saucepan
2. Heat & stir until sugar is dissolved and mixture just begins to simmer
3. Remove from heat and cool in the fridge. This should last all weekend (cover w/ plastic wrap)

Ham & Cheese Quiche

So fancy! My quiches don't look like this.

Some of you might think of that old axiom: "Real men don't eat quiche!" Well, since very few of you are real men, you have nothing to worry about (except your estrogen-enlarged breasts: get that looked-at!).

The good thing about this recipe is that once you've mastered the "Ham and Cheese" quiche, any other quiche is just a small adjustment away. Let's talk about what's in a quiche: pie crust (great!) and eggs (also great!). I typically make this as a dinner, but it can serve equally well as a lunch or even breakfast. Usually, I'll save some from dinner for the following morning's breakfast and punish my arteries with cholesterol twice as hard.


Pie Crust

INGREDIENTS

• 1 1/2 Cups Flour
• 1/2 tsp table salt
  
• 6 Tbs Cold Butter (cut-up into many small pieces)
  
• 1/4 Cup Vegetable Shortening (Crisco)
• 2 Tbs Vodka (cold)
• 2 Tbs Water (cold)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. If you have a food processor, process 3/4 Cups of flour, salt, butter, and shortening for about 10 seconds. Then add the remaining 3/4 Cups of flour and pulse about 5 times. Dump mixture into a medium/large bowl.
   
2. If you don't have a food processor (that's me), add all the flour & salt into a medium/large bowl. Add butter pieces and shortening and mix lightly with your fingers until all the butter and shortening are covered with a layer of flour. Next, take your pastry blender (or fork) and work the mixture until the butter and shortening have been thoroughly incorporated into the flour. It'll look like a God damn mess.
3. However you got to this step (food processor or no), sprinkle-on the vodka and water and using a rubber spatula (or wooden spoon), fold the mixture over itself until it's all evenly wet. Flatten dough into a large hockey puck, wrap in plastic, and chill in the refrigerator for at least an hour (up to 24 hours). Chilling will allow the dough to even-out and cannot be skipped.
4. Remove the dough from the fridge and roll-out with a rolling pin using a shitload of flour. This is a very wet dough, and it will require more flour than you think. Especially if you want it to NOT stick to everything. Roll the dough into a round circle - about 3" larger than your pie plate. Place in pie plate.
5. Check the pantry: if you have "pie weights" or dry beans or a hundred-or-so clean* pennies, line the pie crust with a piece of parchment paper (or tin foil), dump-in the weights/beans/pennies, and bake @ 425 degrees for 15 minutes. If you have no weights, dock* the crust, line with parchment or foil, and bake @ 425 degrees for 15 minutes.
6. Remove from oven - it's now ready to fill with quiche materials.

FAQs

• Vodka? Are you serious? >> Yes. Water + flour makes gluten. Gluten is what gives structure to baked goods. Too much gluten makes things tough. Vodka + flour does not make gluten, and there's less of it to get tough in the oven. The vodka doesn't add any flavor to the crust, and you're not going to get drunk from eating this quiche (unless you're chasing it with a tall glass of whiskey - not recommended)
• You don't instruct me to make fancy pie crust edges >> You're right, I didn't. I'm not all that good with the fancy edges. I just make a "rippled" edge with my fingers and thumbs all the way around. It works and tastes the same. If you want to get fancy with the edges, you have my blessing.
• What's with the baking of the crust? >> It's called "blind baking," and it partially bakes the crust. If we didn't do this, the inner crust wouldn't cook-up with a heaping load of wet eggs inside.
• What's a pastry blender? >> It's a tool that's used to "cut-in" butter or fat into flour when making pastry. Here's a picture. In a pinch, you can use a fork, but it will take longer.

Quiche

INGREDIENTS

• 5 Eggs (3 whole and 2 yolks)
• 1+ Cup Half & Half
• 8 oz. Ham Steak
• 2 tsp butter
  
• 6 oz. Sharp Cheddar Cheese (shredded)
• 4-5 Green Onion stalks (chopped)
  
• Black Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Thoroughly dry the ham steak with paper towels. Melt the butter in a skillet over medium/high heat. Sear the ham steak on both sides until slightly blackened. This should take about 6 minutes total. The ham is already cooked - we're just adding a little flavor and texture to the ham. After the ham is cooked, dice into small pieces.
   
2. In a small/medium bowl, crack three whole eggs and two egg yolks. Add enough half & half to make just over 2 cups of total liquid. This should take about 1 cup of half & half or slightly more depending on the size of your eggs. Add some black pepper (to taste) to the egg mixture and stir.
   
3. When the crust is done par-baking, assemble the quiche this way: half the ham, half the cheese, and half the onion. Repeat layers and pour-on the egg mixture. The egg mixture should come almost to the top of the pie crust. If there's not enough liquid to make-it, you can mix-up some more egg and half & half to make-up the difference.
4. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Remove quiche from the oven and cool for at least 10 minutes before serving.

FAQs

• Can't I just use 5 eggs, and skip the egg separating thing? >> No. The yolks will make the filling more creamy and custard-like. Trust me, that's what you want.

This is Why You're Drunk: Sidecar

Last week, the wife and I went to Ruth's Chris to cash-in a birthday $100 gift card. I've been searching for a drink for myself. Not that beer doesn't serve me well enough, but I needed something a little more special:

Sidecar

One part brandy or cognac
One part triple sec
One part lemon juice

Delicious and powerful - just like me. The dinner was good too!