Badass Mother's Day (crepes for my lady)

Hey, it’s Mother’s Day again, and your wife refuses to leave the bed until the children serve breakfast in it – what do you do?  Well, if you’re like me, and you don’t trust the children to NOT burn-down the house, then it’s downstairs to the crepe-making place…

Mmm, crepes...

Crepe Batter
Makes enough for ~12 8” crepes

INGREDIENTS

• 2 eggs
• 3/4 cup milk
• 1/2 cup water
• 2 Tbs sugar
• 1 cup flour
• 3 Tbs melted butter

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Combine all ingredients and mix vigorously.  Be sure to evenly blend all ingredients into a homogenous mixture.  Park in the fridge for ~30 minutes – this will allow the mixture to come-together as one.
2. Heat a small (8”) non-stick pan to medium.  Add a small amount of butter to the pan (for lubrication purposes).  Ladle an amount of crepe batter that will evenly cover the bottom of the pan – to an approximate 1/8” thickness.  Cook for up to a minute – just enough time to “set” the bottom of the crepe.  Flip the crepe, and cook the other side (the second side should take less time – try 30 seconds to start).
3. Remove the crepe from the pan, place on a plate and cover with a kitchen towel (if planning to serve warm).  When you’ve amassed enough crepes, you may fill and serve.

SERVICE OPTIONS

• Spoon some filling down the center of the crepe and roll-up like a burrito.  There’s really no wrong way to fill a crepe. (filling options listed below...)

FAQs

• Crepe Technique?? >> the real ‘trick’ about crepes is the technique.  You want to allow the batter to spread itself throughout the pan evenly.  I ladle an appropriate amount of batter in the pan, and swirl it around until it’s even.  Practice with the first couple crepes – there should be enough for you to experiment.  If this is your first crepe making adventure, make a double-batch with the express intent of sacrificing an entire legion of misshapen breakfast quick-breads.
• Sugar?? >> this is a recipe for ‘sweet’ crepes.  There are such things as ‘savory’ crepes, but that is not my concern here – just remove the sugar if you want to fill it with BBQ chicken or something like that...

Berries & Cream Filling
Good for crepes, and just about anything else

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup heavy cream
• 2 Tbs granulated sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla
• Berry assortment (strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries – you choose the mix)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Rinse all berries.  If using strawberries, cut them to match the size of the other berries.  Add rinsed/cut berries to a bowl and add 1 Tbs of sugar; mix.  This will help macerate the berries, which will force them to release some juices.  Trust me, this is what you want.  Put the berries in the fridge for 30+ minutes.
2. In the bowl of your stand mixer, add the heavy cream, 1 Tbs of sugar, and vanilla, and beat with the whisk attachment until stiff peaks form.  No stand mixer?  Change ‘stand mixer’ to ‘large bowl’ and ‘whisk attachment’ to ‘whisk under human power.’  It will take longer and far more effort by hand, but the taste will remain the same.

Chocolate & Banana Filling
Another winning combo

INGREDIENTS

• 2 bananas, sliced
• Jar of Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. No prep – just spread the Nutella on your crepe, and layer bananas inside – completely idiot-proof.

“Boston Cream” Filling
Holy shit! This was new for 2012, and OMIGOD it was a hit. Basically, it’s Nutella and pastry cream together. Wow. 

INGREDIENTS

• 2 Cups milk
• 1/4 Cup + 1/3 Cup granulated sugar
• 1 egg + 2 egg yolks
• 1/4 Cup cornstarch
• 2 Tbs butter
• 1 tsp vanilla
• Jar of Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread)

INSTRUCTIONS

Pastry Cream

1. In a small saucepan, cook 2 Cups milk and 1/4 Cup of sugar until the milk boils – then no further.
2. While the milk is heating, mix the whole egg and two egg yolks with a whisk until creamy and lightened in color. Add the 1/3 Cup sugar and 1/4 Cup cornstarch and whisk until fully blended and smooth.
3. When the milk begins to boil, remove from the heat and slowly introduce the boiling milk to the eggs. Slowly because if you pour all that heat into the eggs, you’ll scramble them – no good. What you’re doing is called “tempering,” and it’s a way to introduce something hot into something cold without “cooking” the cold thing. I use a ladle and do it one ladle-full at a time.
4. When all the hot milk has been incorporated, pour the whole thing back into the pot and cook (gently) for a few minutes, or until the mixture thickens. How long will this take? Oh, maybe a few DAMN SECONDS, holy shit – I turned my back on it yesterday, and then had a thick pot of stuff – luckily it wasn’t ruined, but stay close: this is going to set-up quickly.
5. When thickened, turn-off the heat, add the butter and vanilla and stir to melt the butter.
6. Pour into a bowl, cover with plastic wrap (directly touching the cream – to prevent a “skin” from forming) and park in the fridge until cooled. This will take 1+ hours.

Crepe assembly

1. Like in the chocolate-banana crepes, smear a crepe with Nutella spread and spoon-on some pastry cream.
2. Roll-up like a crepe and put on a plate. 

Recipe: Scrambled Eggs w/ Bacon

Sunday is usually the "fancy breakfast day" around here, and more times than not I make scrambled eggs w/ bacon. Most people serve their eggs and bacon side by side, but that's not how I do it.

This isn't how I do it either. Eggs in a can, WTF?!? Seriously, the recipe below is easier than opening, making, and digesting eggs from a can...

Scrambled Eggs w/ Bacon

Serves 4 hungry hungry hippos

INGREDIENTS

• 1/2 lb bacon - chopped small (see note)
• 8-12 eggs (depends on hunger)
• 3/4 Cup half & half (may need more depending on eggs)
• 1 Tbs butter
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large frying pan, cook the bacon pieces over medium heat until almost crisp (a little leathery, but done)
2. Meanwhile, into a large bowl, crack the desired number of eggs. Whisk to break-up the eggs. Add half & half and whisk to homogenize
3. When the bacon is done, using a slotted spoon, evacuate the bacon to a paper towel-lined plate to reserve for later.
4. Dump the bacon grease into the sink, but retain some in the bottom of the pan - that's the flavor. Return the filthy frying pan to the butner and add the 1 Tbs butter and allow to melt.
5. Dump-in the eggs and begin gently stirring. Stir the eggs until curds begin to form on the bottom of the pan. As more and more curds form, scrape these off the bottom and keep stirring. It's this stirring action that will cook ALL the eggs to a delicious consistency.
6. When the eggs are almost complete, add the bacon and cook together until complete. Done.
7. Put on yo plate and shove in yo mouth!

FAQs

• Bacon chopping? >> Cutting bacon can be tough - especially when the bacon is fully softened. My trick is to use bacon that was in the freezer, and thawing it only slightly. If you have thawed bacon, try putting it in the freezer for 30 minutes or so before chopping. This should make it easier
• Why a paper towel-lined plate? >> I'm helping you with clean-up for later. If you put bacon on a paper towel, the towel will soak-up the grease and keep the kitchen neat and orderly. If we do it your way, we'll all be slipping on bacon grease for the next few days - definitely sub-optimal.

Ham & Cheese Quiche

So fancy! My quiches don't look like this.

Some of you might think of that old axiom: "Real men don't eat quiche!" Well, since very few of you are real men, you have nothing to worry about (except your estrogen-enlarged breasts: get that looked-at!).

The good thing about this recipe is that once you've mastered the "Ham and Cheese" quiche, any other quiche is just a small adjustment away. Let's talk about what's in a quiche: pie crust (great!) and eggs (also great!). I typically make this as a dinner, but it can serve equally well as a lunch or even breakfast. Usually, I'll save some from dinner for the following morning's breakfast and punish my arteries with cholesterol twice as hard.


Pie Crust

INGREDIENTS

• 1 1/2 Cups Flour
• 1/2 tsp table salt
  
• 6 Tbs Cold Butter (cut-up into many small pieces)
  
• 1/4 Cup Vegetable Shortening (Crisco)
• 2 Tbs Vodka (cold)
• 2 Tbs Water (cold)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. If you have a food processor, process 3/4 Cups of flour, salt, butter, and shortening for about 10 seconds. Then add the remaining 3/4 Cups of flour and pulse about 5 times. Dump mixture into a medium/large bowl.
   
2. If you don't have a food processor (that's me), add all the flour & salt into a medium/large bowl. Add butter pieces and shortening and mix lightly with your fingers until all the butter and shortening are covered with a layer of flour. Next, take your pastry blender (or fork) and work the mixture until the butter and shortening have been thoroughly incorporated into the flour. It'll look like a God damn mess.
3. However you got to this step (food processor or no), sprinkle-on the vodka and water and using a rubber spatula (or wooden spoon), fold the mixture over itself until it's all evenly wet. Flatten dough into a large hockey puck, wrap in plastic, and chill in the refrigerator for at least an hour (up to 24 hours). Chilling will allow the dough to even-out and cannot be skipped.
4. Remove the dough from the fridge and roll-out with a rolling pin using a shitload of flour. This is a very wet dough, and it will require more flour than you think. Especially if you want it to NOT stick to everything. Roll the dough into a round circle - about 3" larger than your pie plate. Place in pie plate.
5. Check the pantry: if you have "pie weights" or dry beans or a hundred-or-so clean* pennies, line the pie crust with a piece of parchment paper (or tin foil), dump-in the weights/beans/pennies, and bake @ 425 degrees for 15 minutes. If you have no weights, dock* the crust, line with parchment or foil, and bake @ 425 degrees for 15 minutes.
6. Remove from oven - it's now ready to fill with quiche materials.

FAQs

• Vodka? Are you serious? >> Yes. Water + flour makes gluten. Gluten is what gives structure to baked goods. Too much gluten makes things tough. Vodka + flour does not make gluten, and there's less of it to get tough in the oven. The vodka doesn't add any flavor to the crust, and you're not going to get drunk from eating this quiche (unless you're chasing it with a tall glass of whiskey - not recommended)
• You don't instruct me to make fancy pie crust edges >> You're right, I didn't. I'm not all that good with the fancy edges. I just make a "rippled" edge with my fingers and thumbs all the way around. It works and tastes the same. If you want to get fancy with the edges, you have my blessing.
• What's with the baking of the crust? >> It's called "blind baking," and it partially bakes the crust. If we didn't do this, the inner crust wouldn't cook-up with a heaping load of wet eggs inside.
• What's a pastry blender? >> It's a tool that's used to "cut-in" butter or fat into flour when making pastry. Here's a picture. In a pinch, you can use a fork, but it will take longer.

Quiche

INGREDIENTS

• 5 Eggs (3 whole and 2 yolks)
• 1+ Cup Half & Half
• 8 oz. Ham Steak
• 2 tsp butter
  
• 6 oz. Sharp Cheddar Cheese (shredded)
• 4-5 Green Onion stalks (chopped)
  
• Black Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Thoroughly dry the ham steak with paper towels. Melt the butter in a skillet over medium/high heat. Sear the ham steak on both sides until slightly blackened. This should take about 6 minutes total. The ham is already cooked - we're just adding a little flavor and texture to the ham. After the ham is cooked, dice into small pieces.
   
2. In a small/medium bowl, crack three whole eggs and two egg yolks. Add enough half & half to make just over 2 cups of total liquid. This should take about 1 cup of half & half or slightly more depending on the size of your eggs. Add some black pepper (to taste) to the egg mixture and stir.
   
3. When the crust is done par-baking, assemble the quiche this way: half the ham, half the cheese, and half the onion. Repeat layers and pour-on the egg mixture. The egg mixture should come almost to the top of the pie crust. If there's not enough liquid to make-it, you can mix-up some more egg and half & half to make-up the difference.
4. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Remove quiche from the oven and cool for at least 10 minutes before serving.

FAQs

• Can't I just use 5 eggs, and skip the egg separating thing? >> No. The yolks will make the filling more creamy and custard-like. Trust me, that's what you want.

Recipe: Biscuits and Gravy

So, you're looking for the perfect breakfast, eh? Well, look no further. What I've got here will help you gain those extra 10 pounds you've been missing - and in delicious manner. Also, might I add that this is a big hit with the ladies.

Wow! A plate full of biscuits, gravy, and scrambled eggs.

Is this heaven? No, it's breakfast.

Dude Likes Biscuits and Gravy

Being from the North, people wonder how in the hell I've first, developed a taste for biscuits and gravy, and second, amassed the requisite skills with which to build the most perfect plate of biscuits and gravy on the entire planet! Well, who knows? All I know is that these are perfect and easy and just what’s needed if you’re looking to expand-into those fat-pants your wife bought you for Christmas.

Mmm, biscuits taste good...

Biscuits

INGREDIENTS

• 2 Cups All-Purpose Flour + ~3/4 Cup extra for "rolling-out"
• 2 Tbs Cold Butter
• 2 Tbs Shortening (aka Crisco)
• 4 tsp Baking Powder
• 1/4 tsp Baking Soda
• 1 tsp Kosher Salt
• 1 Cup Buttermilk

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Mix the dry ingredients together (flour, salt, soda, powder). Some would ask you to "sift," but that's not badass - sifting is for pussies!
2. Cut the butter into little cubes (you can easily get 8 cubes) and put it in the dry ingredients - also add the shortening. Knead the butter and shortening into the dry ingredients with your fingertips. The goal is to get the fats covered with flour and into smaller and smaller pieces. The danger is working the fats so much that they melt. Stop kneading when the dry/fat mixture resembles cornmeal (~2 minutes)
3. Pour-in the buttermilk, and mix together briefly with a large spoon. The goal is to get the buttermilk into the mix, but this isn't a "stirring" kind of thing - just mix a few times and move-on.
4. Sprinkle some flour on the counter, and dump the bowl's contents onto the flour. This is the part where you'll knead your biscuit dough, but it's a tricky part, so pay attention moron:
5. You'll now have a heap of dry and wet (it's not homogeneous) lump of dough on the floured counter. I use both hands, and push the dough together, then flop-it 90 degrees to the right (a new surface will be on the board) and repeat until the dough resembles "dough." The goal is to be as gently as possible with the dough - over-working biscuit dough will make them tough, and you'll know it as soon as you take that first bite. My biscuits are God damn good because I do it right.
6. Be sure to add flour as you need it. You'll probably have to sprinkle the top and the bottom of the dough a few times. Plan on working the dough for no more than one minute. You should use nearly all the flour - at least 1/2 cup.
7. Shape the dough into a ~3/4" high layer of dough. It doesn't have to be round--you're not making a pie crust--just get it into a rough rectangle shape. Use your hands to push-down the dough. You don't need a rolling pin - hands are good enough. If you use a rolling pin, I'm going to come-over and bash it over your head...
8. Use a biscuit cutter to cut-out the biscuits. WTF is a biscuit cutter? Glad you asked. It's a tool use to cut biscuits into repeatable shapes. Since you don't have one, you can use a soup can with the top & bottom cut off, or a drinking glass. The can will work better because the metal sides are thinner, but you get the idea: cut the biscuits into rounds the size of a soup can. Oh, and add "biscuit cutter" to your grocery list for next time - they're like $2, and will last forever.
• Scraps: you’re going to have scraps of dough. Mix-together the scraps as gently as possible and flatten-out into another rectangle. Repeat the biscuit cutting process. These biscuits will be tougher than the original ones, but still better than shitty restaurant biscuits.
9. Place the cut biscuits onto a sheet pan lined with parchment paper. The parchment paper is not an option, you MUST use it. Why? First, because I said so. Second, because it will keep the bottom of the dough from over-cooking. Also, you won't have to clean your sheet pan if you use parchment paper. Place the biscuits close to one another, but not touching – about 1/4” of space between biscuits.
10. Bake at 425 degrees for ~20 minutes. They're done when they're slightly browned on the outside - might be done early, but not less than 15 minutes.

FAQs

• How do I eat these? >> These biscuits are great by themselves, or even better with gravy (keep reading). Makes ~12 biscuits depending on size
• Salt: Can I skip the salt? >> Nope. I accidentally forgot the salt the other day, and the biscuits were bland. Tell your doctor you now have a high-sodium diet and to recalculate your blood pressure medicine.

Sausage Gravy

INGREDIENTS

• 1 lb Breakfast Sausage (1 tube)
• 3 Cups Milk (or 2 cups milk + 1 cup half & half)
• 1/3 Cup A/P Flour
• 1/2 tsp Cayenne Powder
• 3 Tbs Butter
• Black Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large saucepan cook the sausage in 1 Tbs of butter until browned. Remove the sausage with a slotted spoon - try to leave as much grease in the pot as possible. Reserve the sausage (that means, don't throw it away).
2. Check the pot - you'll need 3 Tbs of sausage grease/butter to continue. So, if you have too much, remove some. If you have too little, add a little butter.
3. Cook the flour in the melted butter/grease mixture for ~3 minutes. You're now making a roux ("roo," like kanga-roo). This is used as a thickener, and it works very well.
4. Once the flour has cooked, add the milk slowly - stirring the whole time. There are a few things you should have noticed when adding the milk: first, it hydrated the flour and made a thick paste; second, the paste got thinner and thinner as you added all the milk. Good job monkey, you did it right.
5. Cook the milk & roux mixture over medium heat for a few minutes. The goal is to return the milk to a simmer - the roux will thicken the whole amount of milk, but it happens as the mixture reaches boiling temperature (don't over boil this - you're not trying to sterilize surgical instruments). Add-in the cayenne pepper.
6. When the mixture hits a simmer, toss-in the reserved sausage and stir together. If it's too dry, feel free to add-in some more milk (or half & half), but not too much. Best to go a little at a time until it's perfect.
7. Put the remaining 2 Tbs of butter on the top (it'll melt-in, and that's good)
8. Eat

FAQs

• How to eat biscuits and gravy >> Take one or two biscuits, split them in half (think “Oreo”), and put them on the plate. Now pour-on the gravy. This makes more than enough for a family or four - probably the perfect amount for a family of six, but no one better want seconds. For the ultimate in early-morning decadence, serve with a helping of perfectly cooked scrambled eggs and a tank of black coffee. Next, clear a place on the couch for your nap.