Recipe: Race Day Scrambled Eggs & Bacon

Today is the annual Chicago Marathon: booyah?! I'm not running (no chance), but I do want to celebrate the occasion by sitting in my chair and watching people run - for a little while, at least.

You know how runners like to carb-load the night before the race to gain/store energy? Well, for watching, I recommend a fat/protein load. Let's get to it!

Mmm, just what the cardiologist ordered

Race Day Scrambled Eggs & Bacon
Serves 4

INGREDIENTS

• 1/2 pound bacon, cut into small pieces
• 8 eggs
• 1 cup half & half
• 1 Tbs butter
• salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. For the bacon, it's best to begin with a frozen slab of bacon. Thaw slightly in the microwave (defrost setting, ~2 minutes) and then cut into 1/4" planks. This is way easier to do when frozen. If you're starting from thawed bacon, cut into 1/4" pieces. If your knife is not ninja-sharp, this will be an epic pain in the ass.
2. Over medium-high heat, cook bacon in a large nonstick skillet until brown and crispy
3. While the bacon is cooking, crack the eggs into a bowl, add half & half, and whisk whisk whisk it up
4. When bacon is complete, remove from the pan with a slotted spoon and put onto a plate lined with paper towels (this will mop-up some of that bacon grease). Dump the bacon grease into the sink. Leave some grease in the bottom of the pan - just the amount that doesn't pout out.
5. Return the skillet to the cooktop, add butter, and allow to melt. When butter has melted and stopped foaming, pour the eggs into the pan. Begin stirring - allow those curds to form on the bottom. Oh yeah.
6. When the eggs have mostly set, add the bacon and cook together. Add a little salt & pepper for flavor. Cook until the eggs are set, but not too tight.
7. Done - eat 'em up.

NOTES:

• Seems like a lot of half & half, are you sure? >> Yes. Half & half is better than milk. My scrambled eggs are the best because I use the right dairy. Yours can be good too if you just do what I say.

Recipe: Scrambled Eggs w/ Bacon

Sunday is usually the "fancy breakfast day" around here, and more times than not I make scrambled eggs w/ bacon. Most people serve their eggs and bacon side by side, but that's not how I do it.

This isn't how I do it either. Eggs in a can, WTF?!? Seriously, the recipe below is easier than opening, making, and digesting eggs from a can...

Scrambled Eggs w/ Bacon

Serves 4 hungry hungry hippos

INGREDIENTS

• 1/2 lb bacon - chopped small (see note)
• 8-12 eggs (depends on hunger)
• 3/4 Cup half & half (may need more depending on eggs)
• 1 Tbs butter
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large frying pan, cook the bacon pieces over medium heat until almost crisp (a little leathery, but done)
2. Meanwhile, into a large bowl, crack the desired number of eggs. Whisk to break-up the eggs. Add half & half and whisk to homogenize
3. When the bacon is done, using a slotted spoon, evacuate the bacon to a paper towel-lined plate to reserve for later.
4. Dump the bacon grease into the sink, but retain some in the bottom of the pan - that's the flavor. Return the filthy frying pan to the butner and add the 1 Tbs butter and allow to melt.
5. Dump-in the eggs and begin gently stirring. Stir the eggs until curds begin to form on the bottom of the pan. As more and more curds form, scrape these off the bottom and keep stirring. It's this stirring action that will cook ALL the eggs to a delicious consistency.
6. When the eggs are almost complete, add the bacon and cook together until complete. Done.
7. Put on yo plate and shove in yo mouth!

FAQs

• Bacon chopping? >> Cutting bacon can be tough - especially when the bacon is fully softened. My trick is to use bacon that was in the freezer, and thawing it only slightly. If you have thawed bacon, try putting it in the freezer for 30 minutes or so before chopping. This should make it easier
• Why a paper towel-lined plate? >> I'm helping you with clean-up for later. If you put bacon on a paper towel, the towel will soak-up the grease and keep the kitchen neat and orderly. If we do it your way, we'll all be slipping on bacon grease for the next few days - definitely sub-optimal.

Ham & Cheese Quiche

So fancy! My quiches don't look like this.

Some of you might think of that old axiom: "Real men don't eat quiche!" Well, since very few of you are real men, you have nothing to worry about (except your estrogen-enlarged breasts: get that looked-at!).

The good thing about this recipe is that once you've mastered the "Ham and Cheese" quiche, any other quiche is just a small adjustment away. Let's talk about what's in a quiche: pie crust (great!) and eggs (also great!). I typically make this as a dinner, but it can serve equally well as a lunch or even breakfast. Usually, I'll save some from dinner for the following morning's breakfast and punish my arteries with cholesterol twice as hard.


Pie Crust

INGREDIENTS

• 1 1/2 Cups Flour
• 1/2 tsp table salt
  
• 6 Tbs Cold Butter (cut-up into many small pieces)
  
• 1/4 Cup Vegetable Shortening (Crisco)
• 2 Tbs Vodka (cold)
• 2 Tbs Water (cold)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. If you have a food processor, process 3/4 Cups of flour, salt, butter, and shortening for about 10 seconds. Then add the remaining 3/4 Cups of flour and pulse about 5 times. Dump mixture into a medium/large bowl.
   
2. If you don't have a food processor (that's me), add all the flour & salt into a medium/large bowl. Add butter pieces and shortening and mix lightly with your fingers until all the butter and shortening are covered with a layer of flour. Next, take your pastry blender (or fork) and work the mixture until the butter and shortening have been thoroughly incorporated into the flour. It'll look like a God damn mess.
3. However you got to this step (food processor or no), sprinkle-on the vodka and water and using a rubber spatula (or wooden spoon), fold the mixture over itself until it's all evenly wet. Flatten dough into a large hockey puck, wrap in plastic, and chill in the refrigerator for at least an hour (up to 24 hours). Chilling will allow the dough to even-out and cannot be skipped.
4. Remove the dough from the fridge and roll-out with a rolling pin using a shitload of flour. This is a very wet dough, and it will require more flour than you think. Especially if you want it to NOT stick to everything. Roll the dough into a round circle - about 3" larger than your pie plate. Place in pie plate.
5. Check the pantry: if you have "pie weights" or dry beans or a hundred-or-so clean* pennies, line the pie crust with a piece of parchment paper (or tin foil), dump-in the weights/beans/pennies, and bake @ 425 degrees for 15 minutes. If you have no weights, dock* the crust, line with parchment or foil, and bake @ 425 degrees for 15 minutes.
6. Remove from oven - it's now ready to fill with quiche materials.

FAQs

• Vodka? Are you serious? >> Yes. Water + flour makes gluten. Gluten is what gives structure to baked goods. Too much gluten makes things tough. Vodka + flour does not make gluten, and there's less of it to get tough in the oven. The vodka doesn't add any flavor to the crust, and you're not going to get drunk from eating this quiche (unless you're chasing it with a tall glass of whiskey - not recommended)
• You don't instruct me to make fancy pie crust edges >> You're right, I didn't. I'm not all that good with the fancy edges. I just make a "rippled" edge with my fingers and thumbs all the way around. It works and tastes the same. If you want to get fancy with the edges, you have my blessing.
• What's with the baking of the crust? >> It's called "blind baking," and it partially bakes the crust. If we didn't do this, the inner crust wouldn't cook-up with a heaping load of wet eggs inside.
• What's a pastry blender? >> It's a tool that's used to "cut-in" butter or fat into flour when making pastry. Here's a picture. In a pinch, you can use a fork, but it will take longer.

Quiche

INGREDIENTS

• 5 Eggs (3 whole and 2 yolks)
• 1+ Cup Half & Half
• 8 oz. Ham Steak
• 2 tsp butter
  
• 6 oz. Sharp Cheddar Cheese (shredded)
• 4-5 Green Onion stalks (chopped)
  
• Black Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Thoroughly dry the ham steak with paper towels. Melt the butter in a skillet over medium/high heat. Sear the ham steak on both sides until slightly blackened. This should take about 6 minutes total. The ham is already cooked - we're just adding a little flavor and texture to the ham. After the ham is cooked, dice into small pieces.
   
2. In a small/medium bowl, crack three whole eggs and two egg yolks. Add enough half & half to make just over 2 cups of total liquid. This should take about 1 cup of half & half or slightly more depending on the size of your eggs. Add some black pepper (to taste) to the egg mixture and stir.
   
3. When the crust is done par-baking, assemble the quiche this way: half the ham, half the cheese, and half the onion. Repeat layers and pour-on the egg mixture. The egg mixture should come almost to the top of the pie crust. If there's not enough liquid to make-it, you can mix-up some more egg and half & half to make-up the difference.
4. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes. Remove quiche from the oven and cool for at least 10 minutes before serving.

FAQs

• Can't I just use 5 eggs, and skip the egg separating thing? >> No. The yolks will make the filling more creamy and custard-like. Trust me, that's what you want.