Thanksgiving Turkey

Sure, everyone loves the sides, but the turkey is the star of the show.

Cook this right, and your family will stop taking about you behind your back

Thanksgiving Turkey
20 lb turkey should serve 10-12 (they say 1 lb per person, but that's bullshit - no one eats bones)

INGREDIENTS

• 12-20 lb turkey, fresh if possible (you can also use a frozen turkey, but this will require days of prep work: you need to plan for thawing. This takes 3-5 days in the fridge, 6-10 hours using the cold water method). Note: I vote "bigger is better here." Thanksgiving leftovers are the reason you decided to host this year
• 1 stick of butter, softened
• 2 lemons, halved
• 2 onions, quartered
• 4 cups water
• Bunch of fresh thyme
• Salt and pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Remove turkey giblets and neck from the cavity - you can either use those for something else or thrown them away (we won't need them here)
2. Rinse the turkey well and pat-dry. Generously salt the inside of the turkey (like, 3-4 Tbs of kosher salt)
3. Squeeze the lemon halves into the turkey. Stuff squeezed lemon halves, 4 onion quarters, and bunch of thyme into the bird. Tie the ends of the legs together with a piece of kitchen string*
4. Position the turkey in a rack inside a roasting pan.
5. Rub the turkey with the stick of butter - yes, the whole stick. Wash your hands 3-4x to get that butter off (gross)
6. Salt & pepper the outside of the turkey. Pour water and remaining 4 onion quarters into the bottom of the roasting pan. Roast in a 325 degree oven until the temperature in the deepest part of the breast registers 170 degrees (about 4 hours). Check after two hours, then after one hour, then every 30 mins thereafter - don't let this turkey overcook, dammit!
7. Remove from oven. Take the entire rack with turkey on it from the roasting pan and put on a half-sheet pan (cookie sheet), and cover loosely with foil for 30 minutes. This is the rest, and it is very important.
8. Use pan drippings to make gravy (another recipe)
9. After rest, carve the turkey and eat.

FAQs

• What is the deal with "kitchen sting?" >> Make sure you use something that won't fray or affect your food. Remember the blue soup from Bridget Jones' Diary? Don't let that happen
• What if I want to cook stuffing INSIDE the bird? >> Then this is not your recipe. I don't cook stuffing in the bird, and neither should you. It will extend the amount of time needed to get this bird to the correct temperature, and increase the risk of dry turkey. Dry turkey sucks.
• How do I reserve the pan drippings? >> When the turkey is done, pour the juice into a large glass measuring cup. Or, if you have a gravy separator, use that (this is it's time to shine!) Let it sit for a while, the fat will rise to the top (you can speed the separation by putting the juice in the fridge), and then you can skim it off with a spoon, or, if you have a gravy separator, you can pour gently and the flavorful juices will pour and the fat will be left - brilliant!
• What about basting? >> I don't baste. The problem with basting is that you're not adding any moisture back into the meat. AND, with opening the oven door so many times, you're lowering the temperature of the oven, and extending the amount of time the bird will need to cook - increasing the risk of getting a dry turkey (again)
• What's the best way to carve? >> With an electric knife, I like to first remove the legs and thighs. Then I cut-off both breasts as a whole. Once the breast is removed, you can slice it easily. Carving at the table is for Norman Rockwell paintings - I want it done right for eating, not for art.

Thanksgiving: Turkey Stock

There are a lot of things that need to happen in-order for you to escape from Thanksgiving holding your head high - pride in a job well done. Turkey stock is the first.

"Why first?"

First, because I said so. Second, because you will need the stock for the stuffing and the gravy. Also, turkey stock can be made weeks before (I'm making mine the weekend before), and will turn a one/two day cooking sprint into a week-long cooking marathon. Then you can proclaim to your health-conscious friends, "Yes, I did a marathon this year." (now fuck off!)

I've already published a turkey stock recipe as a part of the turkey gravy recipe, but let's give this special attention:

1.5 gallons of turkey stock. Ready for gravy and stuffing

Turkey Stock
Makes 1.5 gallons (should be enough for 1 Thanksgiving)

INGREDIENTS

• Various turkey parts (I use necks and wings)
• 2 onions
• 2 carrots
• 2 celery stalks
• salt
• 6-10 whole peppercorns

Carrot: don't bother peeling, just wash

Onion: peel and cut-off top and bottom

Celery: wash - you can leave-the tops on

INSTRUCTIONS

1. With your biggest and scariest kitchen knife, BEAT THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF THOSE TURKEY PARTS! The goal is to open-up the bones so the stock can take what it needs from them. It's all about the bones.
2. Put the turkey parts in a pan, coat with ~1 Tbs vegetable oil, sprinkle with some salt, and roast in a 400 degree oven for 1 hour. This will allow your stock to benefit from the roasty flavors you're about to drop all up in there.

Put into a roasting pan, cover with oil, sprinkle with salt, roast at 400 for 60 minutes

3. Meanwhile, halve 2 onions, 2 celery ribs, and 2 carrots, and drop into a large pot (your largest) with the whole peppercorns.
4. When the turkey parts are roasted, add them to the pot and then add 1.5 gallons or enough water to cover everything by an inch or two (whichever is more) and cover.

Dump the turkey from the roasting pan into the pot. Check-out all the left-over bits (fond) from the roasting pan. DON'T LOSE IT! Put a little water in the pan, use a spatula to scrape-up the bits, and add those to the stock. That's good flavor - it'll be a shame to lose it

5. Bring up to a boil, and then drop the heat to just under a simmer for 3 hours. "Skew" the lid -- which means to slide it open just a bit. This will retain the heat, but allow some steam to escape (prevent boil-overs). If the liquid drops below the ingredients, add enough water to cover by an inch or two.
6. Pour the stock through a fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth and store it. You are ready for Thanksgiving success with homemade stock.

I used a measuring cup to transfer the stock from the pot to a large bowl - through a wire mesh strainer with a three-ply piece of cheesecloth. Make a clean stock!

FAQs

• Turkey parts, are you serious? >> Yeah, you can't make a stock without parts. I like the necks and wings because there's a good amount of bone and connective tissue there, and that's what will make you a good stock. BONUS FOR DOG: when the stock is complete, you can pull-off the meat from the neck and wings and use it to supplement the dog's dinner - he'll love you forever
• Roast the turkey, are you serious? >> Yeah, turkey gravy is dark. You won't have dark gravy without a dark stock. You won't have a dark stock unless you roast them parts. So get on it!
• Onion, carrots, celery, and peppercorns - is that it? I thought there'd be more things >> Nope, that's it. I have seen the addition of a bouquet garni (French for "garnished bouquet"), but didn't think you had it in you... If so, tie some parsley sprigs, thyme sprigs, and a few bay leaves together with some kitchen string, and drop it in the stock. Be sure to remove it at the end. It's a nice addition, but the stock will still be good without it.
• How do I store this and for how long? >> You can store this in the fridge for up to a week. So, if you make it the weekend before Thanksgiving, park it in the fridge. Otherwise, you can pour it into quart sized bags (2 cups of stock per bag) and lay them flat in the freezer. They will freeze flat like book, and can then be stored like a library of stocks in your freezer - awesome, no?
• How sober and attentive will I need to be to make the stock? >> Not very. I made while watching the Bears game.