Thanksgiving Turkey

Sure, everyone loves the sides, but the turkey is the star of the show.

Cook this right, and your family will stop taking about you behind your back

Thanksgiving Turkey
20 lb turkey should serve 10-12 (they say 1 lb per person, but that's bullshit - no one eats bones)

INGREDIENTS

• 12-20 lb turkey, fresh if possible (you can also use a frozen turkey, but this will require days of prep work: you need to plan for thawing. This takes 3-5 days in the fridge, 6-10 hours using the cold water method). Note: I vote "bigger is better here." Thanksgiving leftovers are the reason you decided to host this year
• 1 stick of butter, softened
• 2 lemons, halved
• 2 onions, quartered
• 4 cups water
• Bunch of fresh thyme
• Salt and pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Remove turkey giblets and neck from the cavity - you can either use those for something else or thrown them away (we won't need them here)
2. Rinse the turkey well and pat-dry. Generously salt the inside of the turkey (like, 3-4 Tbs of kosher salt)
3. Squeeze the lemon halves into the turkey. Stuff squeezed lemon halves, 4 onion quarters, and bunch of thyme into the bird. Tie the ends of the legs together with a piece of kitchen string*
4. Position the turkey in a rack inside a roasting pan.
5. Rub the turkey with the stick of butter - yes, the whole stick. Wash your hands 3-4x to get that butter off (gross)
6. Salt & pepper the outside of the turkey. Pour water and remaining 4 onion quarters into the bottom of the roasting pan. Roast in a 325 degree oven until the temperature in the deepest part of the breast registers 170 degrees (about 4 hours). Check after two hours, then after one hour, then every 30 mins thereafter - don't let this turkey overcook, dammit!
7. Remove from oven. Take the entire rack with turkey on it from the roasting pan and put on a half-sheet pan (cookie sheet), and cover loosely with foil for 30 minutes. This is the rest, and it is very important.
8. Use pan drippings to make gravy (another recipe)
9. After rest, carve the turkey and eat.

FAQs

• What is the deal with "kitchen sting?" >> Make sure you use something that won't fray or affect your food. Remember the blue soup from Bridget Jones' Diary? Don't let that happen
• What if I want to cook stuffing INSIDE the bird? >> Then this is not your recipe. I don't cook stuffing in the bird, and neither should you. It will extend the amount of time needed to get this bird to the correct temperature, and increase the risk of dry turkey. Dry turkey sucks.
• How do I reserve the pan drippings? >> When the turkey is done, pour the juice into a large glass measuring cup. Or, if you have a gravy separator, use that (this is it's time to shine!) Let it sit for a while, the fat will rise to the top (you can speed the separation by putting the juice in the fridge), and then you can skim it off with a spoon, or, if you have a gravy separator, you can pour gently and the flavorful juices will pour and the fat will be left - brilliant!
• What about basting? >> I don't baste. The problem with basting is that you're not adding any moisture back into the meat. AND, with opening the oven door so many times, you're lowering the temperature of the oven, and extending the amount of time the bird will need to cook - increasing the risk of getting a dry turkey (again)
• What's the best way to carve? >> With an electric knife, I like to first remove the legs and thighs. Then I cut-off both breasts as a whole. Once the breast is removed, you can slice it easily. Carving at the table is for Norman Rockwell paintings - I want it done right for eating, not for art.