Badass Lentil Salad

Never in the history of food have the words "badass," "lentils," and "salad" been thrown together. Until now.

Badass Lentil Salad
Makes enough for ~6 lunches

Lentil salad at work. Glamorous, no?

INGREDIENTS

• 1 lb Pardina Lentils
• 2 Boneless Chicken Breasts
• 1 English (seedless) Cucumber, quartered and sliced
• 3 Sweet Bell Peppers (assorted colors), sliced thin
• 1/2 Red Onion, sliced thin
• 1 can Chick Peas or Garbanzo Beans (whichever available)
• Handful of Italian (flat leaf) parsely, chopped fine
• 1/2 bottle Italian Salad Dressing

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cook the lentils
• Add the lentils to a medium saucepan (make sure there are no sticks or stones hidden in your lentils) and cover with water by 1 inch
• Heat until boiling. Add ~2 Tbs kosher salt (or 1 Tbs table salt)
• Drop the heat and simmer until al dente (tender but toothsome)
• Drain in a mesh strainer, rinse with cold water, and allow to drip for a few minutes. Put cooked lentils in a huge bowl
2. Cook the chicken
• In a nonstick skillet, heat ~1 Tbs of oil (I used olive oil) over medium-high heat until shimmering
• Add chicken breasts, sizzle, and cover. Cook for ~5 minutes
• Flip the breasts, sizzle, and cover. Cook for another ~5 minutes (check for chicken doneness - if not quite cooked, cut in-half lengthwise and cook a little longer)
• When done, evacuate to a plate, allow to cool until ok to touch
• Slice into very thin fork-sized pieces - add to bowl of lentils
3. Prepare the veggies
• Peppers: cut-off the four sides of each pepper (12 sides total). Then slice into very thin pieces (see pepper detail)
• Cucumber: cut-off either end of the cucumber, peel "most" of the dark green skin, cut in half lengthwise and then half again (result: 4 long quarters of cucumber), and then slice thinly
• Red onion: cut-off top and bottom of onion and then cut in half (pole to pole). Cut onion half in-half again (pole to pole) and slice thin. Result: thin quarter-onion rings. In a mesh strainer, rinse onion under cold water - allow to drain.
• Chick peas: drain can of beans into mesh strainer, rinse thoroughly with cold water.
• All veggies: when fully prepared, add to giant lentil bowl.
4. Add Italian dressing and parsley
5. Stir. Add a little salt, if needed
6. Done.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• Scoop into a bowl and eat with a spoon. It's the least glamorous thing you'll eat - except spray cheese from the can standing in-front of the fridge at 2 in the morning. That's less glamorous.

FAQs

• Is this a joke, or something? >> Sadly, no. In an effort to reduce carbs, I have turned to the lowly lentil. It's high protein and low carb and a good staple when trying to put-together a weight-loss lunch for the office. Cheap and easy.
• What are Pardina lentils? >> These lentils are more robust. When cooked, they stay together. Most other lentils completely disintegrate when cooking and must be handled differently.

Badass Mother's Day (crepes for my lady)

Hey, it’s Mother’s Day again, and your wife refuses to leave the bed until the children serve breakfast in it – what do you do?  Well, if you’re like me, and you don’t trust the children to NOT burn-down the house, then it’s downstairs to the crepe-making place…

Mmm, crepes...

Crepe Batter
Makes enough for ~12 8” crepes

INGREDIENTS

• 2 eggs
• 3/4 cup milk
• 1/2 cup water
• 2 Tbs sugar
• 1 cup flour
• 3 Tbs melted butter

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Combine all ingredients and mix vigorously.  Be sure to evenly blend all ingredients into a homogenous mixture.  Park in the fridge for ~30 minutes – this will allow the mixture to come-together as one.
2. Heat a small (8”) non-stick pan to medium.  Add a small amount of butter to the pan (for lubrication purposes).  Ladle an amount of crepe batter that will evenly cover the bottom of the pan – to an approximate 1/8” thickness.  Cook for up to a minute – just enough time to “set” the bottom of the crepe.  Flip the crepe, and cook the other side (the second side should take less time – try 30 seconds to start).
3. Remove the crepe from the pan, place on a plate and cover with a kitchen towel (if planning to serve warm).  When you’ve amassed enough crepes, you may fill and serve.

SERVICE OPTIONS

• Spoon some filling down the center of the crepe and roll-up like a burrito.  There’s really no wrong way to fill a crepe. (filling options listed below...)

FAQs

• Crepe Technique?? >> the real ‘trick’ about crepes is the technique.  You want to allow the batter to spread itself throughout the pan evenly.  I ladle an appropriate amount of batter in the pan, and swirl it around until it’s even.  Practice with the first couple crepes – there should be enough for you to experiment.  If this is your first crepe making adventure, make a double-batch with the express intent of sacrificing an entire legion of misshapen breakfast quick-breads.
• Sugar?? >> this is a recipe for ‘sweet’ crepes.  There are such things as ‘savory’ crepes, but that is not my concern here – just remove the sugar if you want to fill it with BBQ chicken or something like that...

Berries & Cream Filling
Good for crepes, and just about anything else

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup heavy cream
• 2 Tbs granulated sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla
• Berry assortment (strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries – you choose the mix)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Rinse all berries.  If using strawberries, cut them to match the size of the other berries.  Add rinsed/cut berries to a bowl and add 1 Tbs of sugar; mix.  This will help macerate the berries, which will force them to release some juices.  Trust me, this is what you want.  Put the berries in the fridge for 30+ minutes.
2. In the bowl of your stand mixer, add the heavy cream, 1 Tbs of sugar, and vanilla, and beat with the whisk attachment until stiff peaks form.  No stand mixer?  Change ‘stand mixer’ to ‘large bowl’ and ‘whisk attachment’ to ‘whisk under human power.’  It will take longer and far more effort by hand, but the taste will remain the same.

Chocolate & Banana Filling
Another winning combo

INGREDIENTS

• 2 bananas, sliced
• Jar of Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. No prep – just spread the Nutella on your crepe, and layer bananas inside – completely idiot-proof.

“Boston Cream” Filling
Holy shit! This was new for 2012, and OMIGOD it was a hit. Basically, it’s Nutella and pastry cream together. Wow. 

INGREDIENTS

• 2 Cups milk
• 1/4 Cup + 1/3 Cup granulated sugar
• 1 egg + 2 egg yolks
• 1/4 Cup cornstarch
• 2 Tbs butter
• 1 tsp vanilla
• Jar of Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread)

INSTRUCTIONS

Pastry Cream

1. In a small saucepan, cook 2 Cups milk and 1/4 Cup of sugar until the milk boils – then no further.
2. While the milk is heating, mix the whole egg and two egg yolks with a whisk until creamy and lightened in color. Add the 1/3 Cup sugar and 1/4 Cup cornstarch and whisk until fully blended and smooth.
3. When the milk begins to boil, remove from the heat and slowly introduce the boiling milk to the eggs. Slowly because if you pour all that heat into the eggs, you’ll scramble them – no good. What you’re doing is called “tempering,” and it’s a way to introduce something hot into something cold without “cooking” the cold thing. I use a ladle and do it one ladle-full at a time.
4. When all the hot milk has been incorporated, pour the whole thing back into the pot and cook (gently) for a few minutes, or until the mixture thickens. How long will this take? Oh, maybe a few DAMN SECONDS, holy shit – I turned my back on it yesterday, and then had a thick pot of stuff – luckily it wasn’t ruined, but stay close: this is going to set-up quickly.
5. When thickened, turn-off the heat, add the butter and vanilla and stir to melt the butter.
6. Pour into a bowl, cover with plastic wrap (directly touching the cream – to prevent a “skin” from forming) and park in the fridge until cooled. This will take 1+ hours.

Crepe assembly

1. Like in the chocolate-banana crepes, smear a crepe with Nutella spread and spoon-on some pastry cream.
2. Roll-up like a crepe and put on a plate. 

Technique: Bell Pepper Prep

Most times, when you need to use a bell pepper, you want strips (like for fajitas) or diced (like for other dishes). Rarely do you want the bell pepper to retain any form of its shape following preparation.

So, how do you handle this weirdly-shaped vegetable and those damn seeds?

Cut-off the side (or "cheek") of the pepper.

There are four sides - each will be flat and ready to work. 

AND, there will be no seeds to mess with.

Once the cheek of the pepper is removed, 

you can then slice it into strips - easy

Or dice it 

(slice into strips first, and then dice those strips)

Note

This also works for other vegetables - especially when you want diced tomatoes for taco night.

Recipe: Split Pea Soup

Egad, it's been a while since I posted. Have you all been starving in the meantime? I sure hope so - I don't want to consider what you're eating without my careful guidance and teachings.

Hey, it's springtime - the time of soup? Well, sure. People like soup - it's easy to eat. AND, when it's this easy to make, you don't ask questions:

Split Pea Soup
Makes approx. 1 gallon. Yeah, it looks disgusting, but it tastes oh so good…

Smooth. That's heavy cream artfully swirled on-top.

I am an expert. You can also sprinkle bacon on this: oh yeah.

INGREDIENTS

• 1 lb Dried Split Peas
• 6+ Cups Chicken Broth
• 2 Onions, diced
• 2 Stalks Celery, diced
• 1 Large Carrot, diced
• 3 Russet Potatoes, peeled and diced
• 1/2 lb. Bacon, cut into 1/2" pieces
• 2 Tbs Butter
• 2 tsp Cumin
• 1/2 tsp Thyme
• Salt & Black Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large stockpot, cook the bacon over medium heat until crispy.  We’re trying to extract the grease from the bacon AND cook bacon to be used later as garnish.  Basically, cook the bacon until crispy but not burnt.  Evacuate the bacon to a paper towel lined plate, and pour off all but 3 Tbs of grease from the pot. 
2. Add butter, onions, celery, and carrots to pot and sauté until onions are softened and translucent – about 10 minutes.
3. Add peas, potatoes, chicken broth, cumin, and thyme and simmer for ~30 minutes or until peas are tender.
4. Using your kick-ass stick blender, buzz the soup until smooth.  Oh, don’t have a sick blender?  Well, I suggest getting one immediately.  If you still don’t have one, you can puree the soup (in batches) in your blender.  Make sure the top is securely fastened – hot soup is painful when it sprays you in the eye!
5. Serve and eat!

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• You can garnish this with a little bit of heavy cream floated on top or even a dollop of sour cream.  That little blast of dairy would be a nice touch. You can also sprinkle-on the bacon. A sprinkling of bacon is always welcome to anything.

FAQs

• Bacon? >> Go figure, another great tasting dish that has bacon at its core.  In this case, the bacon is the smokiness that begins the flavor journey.  Be honest, you LOVE that there’s bacon in this soup...
• Can I go rustic? >> Yeah, I've seen this kind of soup served-up peasant style with all kinds of chunks and things. Let's be honest, a smooth pea-green soup is way more elegant than a chunky pea-green soup. You can eat what you like, but I'm teaching badass elegance here - not hipster-return-to-roots kinds of soup.