Thanksgiving: Stuffing

Another step on the road to Thanksgiving success: stuffing or dressing. I suppose you can call it "stuffing" if you cook it in the bird and "dressing" if you don't. I'm from Chicago - we call it "stuffing" here regardless. And no, you won't cook this in the bird.

"Why not?"

There are two reasons: one good reason and one medium reason:

• Good reason: cooking stuffing in the bird will extend the amount of time you will need to get the turkey to done. The longer the bird cooks, the dryer it will get. In-bird stuffing creates a dry turkey :(
• Medium reason: eating stuffing that was in close-contact with a dead bird carcass increases the risk of bacterial problems - even for a carefully cooked dinner. I don't really worry about that because I am hearty and hale; but your weakened relations might be on the edge. Wait, this might be the perfect opportunity to speed a few family members to Valhalla - I'll have to think about this...

Bad-Ass Stuffing
Serves 10-12 "responsible" adults; fewer fat people

Another place to pour some gravy? Thanks!

INGREDIENTS

• 2 lb sandwich bread (this year, I'm using a mix of white and wheat)
• 4 Tbs butter (you're in the big leagues now!)
• 1 large onion, chopped fine
• 3 celery stalks, chopped fine
• 2 Tbs fresh thyme, minced
• 2 Tbs fresh sage, minced
• 2 1/2 cups turkey stock
• 3 eggs
• 3 Tbs fresh parsley, chopped
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cut bread into 1/2" cubes, spread on two half-sheet pans, and cook in a 250 degree oven for 45-60 minutes. The goal is to dry-out the bread cubes, but not turn them into croutons. Stir the bread cubes every 10 minutes or so - they're done when the edges have dried, but the centers are still a little soft. Put the bread into a large (seriously, LARGE) bowl. THIS CAN BE DONE THE DAY BEFORE! If so, store the bread in large plastic bags until the next day.
2. Melt butter in a skillet over medium heat. When foaming subsides, add the onion, celery, and 1/2 tsp salt, and cook until tender - about 8 minutes. Add thyme, sage, and 1 tsp black pepper, and cook for another 30 seconds - just to wake-up the herbs. Add 1 cup turkey broth and heat to simmer.
3. Stir the vegetable/broth mix into the bowl of bread cubes - toss to combine.
4. Meanwhile, in another bowl, mix eggs, remaining 1 1/2 cups of broth, parsley, and 1 tsp salt. Add to bread mix and toss to combine.
5. Grease a 9x13 baking dish with butter. Add stuffing mixture to the baking dish and bake at 375 degrees for 60 minutes. 
6. Done. You can fluff it with a fork to make it easier to serve.

FAQs

• What is sandwich bread? >> You know, "sandwich bread." The kind of bread you would use in a sandwich. You want something with a finer texture. You know Italian bread or French bread? Those are no good - too many air holes.
• What's the best way to cut the bread? I have shitty knives >> I recommend a serrated knife for this job. Also, you can let the bread sit on the counter for a bit to slightly dry-out. That should make it a little easier to cut.
• What if I didn't follow your recommendations and don't have turkey stock? >> Well, that's a shame, but they do sell turkey stock at the grocery store - especially around Thanksgiving. Or, you can use chicken stock. Lame, but people will still know it's stuffing.
• I like in-the-bird stuffing: it tastes more like turkey >> Using turkey stock should help that. You can also bake the stuffing with cooked turkey on-top: cook a turkey wing in a skillet over medium-high heat for ~5 minutes per side. Put the cooked wing on-top of the stuffing while it's baking in the oven. The juices and "essence" from the turkey wing will drip into the stuffing. Discard the wing before serving (give it to the dog). To me, it sounds like too much work, but you might be just the kind of person who wants to bark-up that tree - good luck!