Thanksgiving Timeline

We're getting closer and closer to zero-hour. What should your schedule look like? Good question, let's go-through the steps:

If you don't have a good schedule - the day might get away from you

Remember the menu:

• Turkey
• Stuffing
• Mashed potatoes
• Sweet potatoes
• Cranberry sauce
• Rolls
• Corn
• etc.

The rolls and corn are easy last-minute items; we need a plan to address the other items.

Turkey: I buy fresh, so there is no thawing, but if you buy frozen, make sure you buy with ample time to thaw. According to the Butterball people, you'll need 3 full days to thaw a 12 lb mini-turkey in the fridge and 5 days to thaw a 20 pounder. If you've already blown the schedule, you can cold-water thaw a 12 lb turkey in 6 hours and a 20 lb turkey in 10.

Stuffing: This is mostly a "day-of" activity, but you can cut the bread the day before and store in plastic storage bags.

Mashed potatoes & sweet potatoes: Day-of.

Cranberry sauce: This can and should be made the day before. Hooray, TIME SAVER!

Other: Any other casseroles you're planning to make can likely be made early - check the recipe for anything that looks like it will be trouble. But this is the reason like to make casseroles - they are mostly foolproof.

Ok, let's talk schedule and timing. I'm going to assume that you're eating dinner at 4:00 pm. The Bears game is at 11:30 CT and should end in triumph ~2:30. And this will give you ~90 mins to finish-up the cooking without missing any of the glorious action.

BEFORE WEDNESDAY of THANKSGIVING

• If you've bought a frozen bird, put it in the fridge at a time that will allow it to be thawed by Thursday morning. (20 lb should be in the fridge on Saturday morning, 12 lb can wait until Monday)
• Do your shopping. If you plan it right, you can have everything you need well in advance, and not have to do battle at the supermarket for the last pound of butter.

WEDNESDAY of THANKSGIVING

• Cranberry sauce
• Cut-up bread for stuffing
• The time is not important for these tasks - just fit them somewhere in your day. Remember: since you're cooking, you're allowed to tip-back a few and bask in the hazy insobriety of a holiday
• Get any cold-temp wines into the fridge (kids cold duck and any white/rose wines)
• Set the table (or have someone set the table - my wife will be handling all the preparations, which frees me from having to worry about all that happy horseshit)

THANKSGIVING

• 6:00 am: you've slept long enough
• 6:00 - 7:00: Shit/shower/shave - get coffee - eat something for breakfast - might I recommend a Thanksgiving Bloody Mary?

Thanksgiving Bloody Mary Recipe

• Just like a regular Bloody Mary, but on Thanksgiving morning. If you're cooking, the family will have to work-around you and your alcohol consumption
• Try to limit it to 2: you will be handling knives, fire, and people's food

• 7:00 - 7:15: Check that you have everything you need for the day
• Food
• Utensils
• Wine (Beaujolais is the classic Thanksgiving wine, but I'm going with a pink moscato this year)
• Whatnot
• If you're missing anything, make a list and send someone you trust to go get them
• 7:15 - 7:30: Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees
• 7:30 - 8:30: Roast the sweet potatoes. Why so early? So you can get those out of the way before you put the turkey in there. Some people would say, "Hey, roast the potatoes while the turkey is cooking." To those people, I say, "Hey, dumbass, I want to limit the amount of opening and closing of the oven while the turkey is cooking. Now, STFU, and get out of my kitchen!"
• 8:30: Lower oven temp to 250 degrees. Put roasted sweet potatoes aside for later. Don't worry about putting them in the fridge, let them cool to room temp, and you can prepare the casserole later
• 8:30 - 9:15: 
• Bake the cut-up bread for stuffing at 250 degrees for 45-60 mins
• Prep the veggies that need to be cut
• Onion for stuffing - store in a plastic bag in the fridge
• Celery for stuffing - store in a plastic bag in the fridge
• Note: there's a lot of slack time here. It doesn't take 30 mins to cut an onion and a few stalks of celery, but you'll need a little slack time to make sure things aren't getting fucked-up
• 9:15 - 10:00: 
• Check the bread - if it's done at 9:15, remove it from the oven and put aside (in a large bowl), otherwise let it finish for 10-15 more mins
• Prep the turkey
• Remove from fridge
• Remove giblets and neck from cavity
• Rinse and pat-dry
• 9:45 raise the oven temperature to 325 degrees
• Cut-up lemon/onion for inside the bird
• Finish getting turkey ready for oven
• 10:00: Put the turkey in the oven
• 10:00 - 3:00: Cook the turkey (this is the time for a 20 lb bird - a smaller turkey will cook faster, so adjust your "in-oven" time as necessary)
• You will check the bird at noon, 1:00, and 2:00 to see how it's going. If you do this right, the turkey will cook a little faster than you expect: this is fine, it's easy to keep turkey warm after it's cooked
• 10:00 - 10:30: Make the stuffing (saute vegetables, mix with bread, put in baking dish, put baking dish aside until later)
• 10:30 - 11:00: Make the sweet potatoes (toast the pecans, mash the potatoes, mix together with everything, put in baking dish, put baking dish aside until later)
• 11:00 - 11:30: Clean-up a little. Crack a beer. Stake-out a comfortable place to watch the game.
• 11:30 - 2:30: Bears game - GO BEARS!
• Check turkey at noon, 1:00, and 2:00. Set a timer so you don't forget
• 2:30: 
• Turkey will be done very soon (if not already). When it's done, remove from oven, put in a safe place, and cover with foil. This is called "resting," and is necessary. You should rest the turkey for 30 mins. You can stretch this to 60 mins if the bird is wrapped carefully and kept warm
• If the turkey is done too early, you can either step-up the dinner and eat earlier, or carve the turkey after 60 min rest, and put the cut turkey into the warm oven to keep warm
• Pour the pan drippings from the turkey in a glass measuring cup and let sit. You might use these for gravy 
• 2:30: Raise the oven temperature to 375 degrees.
• 2:30 - 3:30:
• Start the mashed potatoes: peel and cut-up potatoes, put in water, boil/simmer for 40 mins
• Cook the stuffing. Put the stuffing on the lower rack - you will cook something above the stuffing soon
• 3:00: Take the cranberry sauce out of the fridge - you don't want it to be too cold: it will hurt grandpa's sensitive tooth!
• 3:00 - 3:30:
• Cook the sweet potatoes. Put on the rack above the stuffing. The recipe calls for 400 degrees for 20 mins, we're going to do 375 degrees for 30 mins. Check after 20 mins to see that it's not getting crusty on top
• Start the gravy. By now, if the pan drippings show any promise, the fat will have separated from the juice. Remove as much fat as possible (you can do this with a spoon - a little fat leftover is ok) and it's ready to use.
• 3:15: The mashed potatoes should be soft and ready to rice. Do it. Put potatoes into something decorative and cover to keep warm
• 3:30 - 4:00:
• Cook the corn (simple, in a pot with a little water, covered, should take 10-15 mins total)
• "Brown" the brown n serve rolls (check the instructions on the package and follow)
• 4:00: Eat.

Wow, when you see it all written-out like this, it is a TON OF SHIT! You should feel proud if you can pull this off. Remember: half-witted people have been cranking-out Thanksgiving dinners for generations - you should be able to make this happen.