Review: Hot & Spicy Pickles

GODDAMN! These are hot.

Here's an idea - next time, just set your mouth and asshole on fire

Most times, especially in the summer, we want to explore a little bit of the hot & spicy. Pickles are now no exception. Saw these in the grocery store and thought they were a logical next step for my pickle journey.

The First Bite

Those of you familiar with Claussen know about that freshness. Their regular pickles are great - found in the refrigerator case - cool and crisp and just enough tang. These fireball pickles begin the same way. First taste is classic Claussen.

One second later...

HOLY SHIT, MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE! They might have overachieved a bit on the spicy, these are pretty intense. Finish the pickle, then finish your beer and then another beer to hose-down this fucking inferno.

Would I recommend these pickles?

Yes. For two reasons.

1. Spicy heat releases endorphins, which make you feel good. Put-down a few of these pickles, and you'll feel great (mostly because, when you stop eating them, the end-of-pain will be welcome relief)
2. For that jerk-off who claims that nothing is too hot. Sure, a masochist who eats raw chiles is prepared for some heat, but these will come from left field. No one expects a harmless pickle to be the devil - dripping in vinegar, no less...

Do yourself a favor, and dedicate some space in your icebox for these fiery pickles. Misery loves company, and I need some now...

Recipe: Chili

This chili just took second place in the chili cookoff at work, and won the coveted "People's Choice" award (boom, $25 gift card for me!). Why am I teaching you a second-place chili? Because I think the judges were full of shit - this is a FIRST PLACE CHILI, DAMMIT! Their Midwestern taste buds can go piss up a rope!

Make this for your chili cookoff, and see how it cleans-up. Respect, riches, and women: all waiting to be won through the simple preparation of beef, onions, and spices. Read-on.

Chili: simple and good. Make some up today

Beef Chili

Makes ~1 gallon - serves... 3?

INGREDIENTS

• 2 medium onions, diced
• 1 red bell pepper, diced
• 6 cloves garlic, minced (about 2 Tbs)
• 1/4 cup chili powder
• 1 Tbs cumin
• 2 tsp ground coriander
• 1 tsp red pepper flake
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
• 2 lbs ground beef
• 2 cans (15 oz) dark red kidney beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 can (28 oz) diced tomatoes
• 1 can (28 oz) crushed tomatoes
• Salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large pot, heat 2 Tbs vegetable oil until shimmering. Add onion, garlic, red bell pepper, chili powder, cumin, coriander, oregano, red pepper flake, and cayenne pepper. Cook until onion and bell pepper are tender – about 10 minutes.
2. Stir-in beef, breaking-up pieces, and cook until beef turns brown – about 5 minutes.
3. Add beans, tomatoes, and 1/2 tsp salt. Bring to a boil and then reduce heat to low, cover, and cook for about 60 minutes, stirring occasionally. After one hour, remove lid and continue to cook for 30 more minutes.
4. Done, you may eat now.

STORAGE OPTIONS

• Sure, this is a good dish to enjoy right away, but it's so much better the next day.
• Short-term storage: I transfer this into two 1/2 gallon mason jars, and park it in the fridge. It should keep up to two weeks in the fridge before you will have to worry about bacterial invasion, but if this is in the fridge for two weeks, dude, are you really interested in eating chili?
• Long-term storage: I put the chili in a pint sized mason jar, and then pour that into a zip-top freezer bag (the mason jar is just for measuring ease). Then I seal the bag and lay it flat in the freezer. Once frozen, I can pile the chili bags in a stack, or line them up like books on a shelf. Ingenious! I have no idea how long they will last in the freezer - probably depends on you and your nasty habits.

FAQs

• That’s it? >> Yeah, this is a pretty simple recipe, but oh boy, it’s good!
• There are beans in your "chili," are you serious? >> Yeah. This isn't some "Texas styled meat condiment," it's a chili, and my chili has beans.
• What do you serve it with? >> This chili is great with just a few broken crackers, but you can make it into an event: shredded cheese, raw chopped onion, sour cream, and whatever else your twisted mind can think-up
• This is too easy - other chili makers seem to spend so much time and effort - what gives? >> Those people are wasting their time. Long cooking is meant to tenderize tough cuts of meat (ground beef - hello!). Just make this and reap the rewards

Review: Spicy Blue Corn Tortilla Chips

Yeah, it's a niche product. Actually, the wife said something like, "Hey, honored husband, we should start eating healthier." To me that means a trip through the health food aisle in the grocery store. Lo and behold, I found some "healthy" chips:

Red Hot Blues

I didn't know what to expect. Actually, I had a few ideas what to expect:

• A bag costing well over $4.00 for a paltry amount (eg. Terra Chips - total rip off!)
• A crunchy twig-like texture

Thankfully, neither of those outcomes was experienced. The 9 oz. bag was $2.59 ($0.287 per oz) which compares favorably to the also-purchased Fritos at $3.69 for 14 oz ($0.263 per oz).

As for taste, sure, the texture's a little rustic, but there's a subtle blast of heat that makes them good. I'm not sayin' that I'm going to add them to the cart every week, but it was nice to be surprised by some "health" food for once.

Ingredients: Organic blue corn, expeller pressed oleic safflower and/or sunflower oil, dehydrated tomato, rice flour, salt, paprika, spices, smoked torula yeast, dehydrated onion, natural flavor.

Expeller pressed?!? WTF?

Recipe: Jambalaya Linguine

I had a good recipe for jambalaya—with rice, but the kids don’t like rice: go figure! So, I converted it to linguine noodles. Guess what? They still don’t like it. They’re bound and determined to be served only hot dogs or chicken nuggets. I’d like to be there in 40 years when their doctors tell them about their terrible colon health – yeah, that’ll be some sweet-ass “I told you so!”

Ooo eee, child. That's some nice jambalaya!

Jambalaya Linguine
Serves 6 (or two great big fat guys)

INGREDIENTS

• 1 lb. linguine noodles
• 1 lb. polish sausage, cut in ~1/4” slices
• 2 green peppers, diced
• 3 stalks celery, chopped
• 1 large onion, diced
• 1 15 oz. can of diced tomatoes
• 1 8 oz. can of tomato sauce
• 1/2 cup chicken broth/stock
• 1/2 cup half & half
• 2 tsp thyme
• 1 large bay leaf (or 2 small)
• 1+ Tbs olive oil
• 1+ Tbs butter
• 1 clove garlic
• Salt & black pepper
• Fresh parsley (optional)
• Hot sauce (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large pot on medium-high heat, sauté onion, green pepper, and celery in olive oil and butter until tender – approx. 10 minutes.
2. Add thyme, tomato products, bay leaf, 1 tsp pepper, chicken broth, and sausage and cook on medium-low heat for 10 minutes.
   
3. Concurrently: boil the noodles according to the package instructions.
4. Concurrently: in a nonstick skillet, cook the sausage slices in a little butter until slightly crisp – approx. 5 minutes.
5. Check for salt - add some if needed
   
6. Drain noodles and add to pot. Add half & half, stir, and cook ~5 more minutes: until all are incorporated as one dish.
7. (Optional) Sprinkle-on chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
8. Eat. Add hot sauce at the table.

FAQs

• Polish sausage? >> Ask a Polack to make jambalaya, and you’re bound to get kielbasa thrown-in there somewhere. I suppose a fancy person might tell you to use Andouille sausage or something, well, I’m not that person. The polish sausage adds the exact right flavor, and it’s cheap and easy to find. Also, try to use skinless sausage if possible. A tough skin on the sausage might toughen-up a little in the skillet...
• Concurrently? >> Yeah, there are a few tasks that should be done at the same time. Boil the noodles and cook the sausage WHILE you’re cooking the vegetables.
• Half & half? That seems out of place! >> It’s like a vodka tomato sauces that adds cream at the end. It’s just the right thing that the dish needs, but you wouldn’t think of putting it in there. Just add the half & half and enjoy my wonderful experimentation.
• Hot sauce at the table? I have taste buds made of solid iron! >> Well, lah-dee-dah! I’m sure that you could eat a fiery meteor just after it lands, too! Meanwhile, the rest of us might want to have a different flavor profile better suited to our individual tastes. This isn’t a chili contest, ok? Just ease-up on the spices, and allow the rest of us to spice-it on our own.