Vacation

You won't have rusrus to kick-around next week, I'll be on vacation


Ah, fuckit! No one reads this site anyway...

Recipe: Cheddar Corn Chowder

You've heard of “corn chowder,” well, this is the next logical step: corn chowder with CHEESE, and it’s God Damn delicious! I'll say this is more of a fall/winter soup, but it's been so cold this summer that I needed a little something to warm my bones.

Oh, hello bacon. I didn't know you'd be here

Makes approx. 1 gallon of soup

INGREDIENTS

• 8 oz Bacon, cut into 1/2" pieces
• 1 Tbs Olive Oil
• 2 Large Onions, diced (or 3 medium onions)
• 1 cup Celery, chopped
• 4 Tbs Butter
• 1/2 cup Flour
• 1/2 tsp Turmeric
• 6 Cups Chicken Broth/Stock
• 2 lbs. Red Potatoes, diced*
• 2 lbs. Frozen Corn
• 1 Cup Half & Half
• 6 oz White Cheddar Cheese
• Salt & Black Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large stock pot, cook the bacon pieces in a little olive oil until “nearly crispy.” Remove bacon with a slotted spoon and set-aside. Cook onion in bacon grease until softened (about 6 minutes). Add celery and cook for another 4 minutes.
2. Add butter, flour, turmeric, salt & pepper to taste, and cook for 4 minutes. This will develop a roux that will thicken the soup.
3. Add chicken broth and potatoes. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for 15 minutes.
4. Add cheese, half & half, and corn. Cook for an additional 5 minutes or until the soup returns to temperature and the cheese melts.
5. Serve hot – crumble the cooked bacon on-top, you've earned it!

FAQs

1. Bacon AND olive oil? Sounds greasy! >> Sometimes the bacon needs a little head start. I use a little olive oil because I think it adds to the taste. It’s a rich soup and doesn't taste greasy at all. Next time, keep your fucking opinions to yourself!
2. Cheese and half & half & butter… Are you trying to kill me? >> This isn't diet food, ok? I’m sure there are plenty of salad recipes just waiting for you and your fat ass!
3. Do I need to cook the corn before I put it in? >> Nope. The hot soup will “cook” that corn just fine. Be sure to bring the soup back up to temperature before serving. The cold half & half and frozen corn will drop the temp quite a bit – it should only take a few minutes to get it back.
4. What is “turmeric,” and what can I substitute? >> I don’t know what it is besides a spice that they sell at the store, but I know that it makes the soup a very nice shade of yellow. I wouldn't recommend substituting – surely someone of your means and wherewithal can find the time to go to the store to get some.

NOTES

• Potatoes come in 5 lb. bags - use half a bag, and you'll have another 2.5 lbs. for hash brown breakfast tomorrow.

How to Impress Your Lady at Ravinia

Here in Chicago, there’s an outdoor concert venue where people can relax on the lawn and listen to music. The Chicago Symphony Orchestra plays here in the summer, and people spread-out on blankets and chairs and have fancy picnics. Generally, I’ll do-up a nice spread of cold dishes: raw veggies and dip, crackers and cheese, sausage and mustard, and wine (juice for the kids – unless we can dump them on some poor sucker).

Sometimes, I’ll even make fancy tea sandwiches for my lady. Is it bad ass? No, but you’ll earn points that can be redeemed later (if you know what I’m sayin’…). Most importantly, be sure to have two bottles of wine, or if your lady is a friggin’ drunk, bring three bottles.

INGREDIENTS

• One loaf of good White Bread (something with a tight crumb and thin slices – I bought Pepperidge Farm White Bread)
• 8 oz. Cream Cheese (softened)
• 1/4 Cup Mayonnaise
• Green olives (sliced)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Mix together cream cheese and mayonnaise
2. Spread on two slices of bread
3. Place sliced olives on one side
4. Top with other slice of bread
5. Cut-off crusts, and cut in half (into two rectangles)
6. Repeat as necessary
7. Put finished sandwich rectangles in the cooler

FAQs

1. What’s “tight crumb?” >> That means the bread isn’t “holey” like Italian bread. The holes are very small, and the bread is “firmer” than Wonder bread.
2. Sounds like gay food >> I suppose it is, but ladies love gay food. Gay-it-up for Ravinia, and hetero-it-up later in the bedroom (or in the back of the Durango if you can’t wait that long)
3. What kind of beer goes with these sandwiches? >> You’re friggin’ hopeless.

I wish I thought of this...

After hearing my son bitch about lunch for half an hour, I finally told him to go make his own damn lunch. A few minutes go by, and I investigate:

Peanut Butter & Nutella Sandwiches

Well, at first I was like, "Godammit! You're making a mess in here!" Then I was like, "Holy shit, what a great idea!" After a quick internet search, I see that the boy didn't invent shit - it's something that fat people have been eating for a while. But, damn - that looked like a good sandwich!

For those of you who don't know, Nutella is a chocolate hazelnut spread that is fucking fantastic! The consistency is like peanut butter, and you keep it in the cabinet. Mmm, I wonder if that jar will last the afternoon - doubtful.

Recipe: Biscuits and Gravy

So, you're looking for the perfect breakfast, eh? Well, look no further. What I've got here will help you gain those extra 10 pounds you've been missing - and in delicious manner. Also, might I add that this is a big hit with the ladies.

Wow! A plate full of biscuits, gravy, and scrambled eggs.

Is this heaven? No, it's breakfast.

Dude Likes Biscuits and Gravy

Being from the North, people wonder how in the hell I've first, developed a taste for biscuits and gravy, and second, amassed the requisite skills with which to build the most perfect plate of biscuits and gravy on the entire planet! Well, who knows? All I know is that these are perfect and easy and just what’s needed if you’re looking to expand-into those fat-pants your wife bought you for Christmas.

Mmm, biscuits taste good...

Biscuits

INGREDIENTS

• 2 Cups All-Purpose Flour + ~3/4 Cup extra for "rolling-out"
• 2 Tbs Cold Butter
• 2 Tbs Shortening (aka Crisco)
• 4 tsp Baking Powder
• 1/4 tsp Baking Soda
• 1 tsp Kosher Salt
• 1 Cup Buttermilk

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Mix the dry ingredients together (flour, salt, soda, powder). Some would ask you to "sift," but that's not badass - sifting is for pussies!
2. Cut the butter into little cubes (you can easily get 8 cubes) and put it in the dry ingredients - also add the shortening. Knead the butter and shortening into the dry ingredients with your fingertips. The goal is to get the fats covered with flour and into smaller and smaller pieces. The danger is working the fats so much that they melt. Stop kneading when the dry/fat mixture resembles cornmeal (~2 minutes)
3. Pour-in the buttermilk, and mix together briefly with a large spoon. The goal is to get the buttermilk into the mix, but this isn't a "stirring" kind of thing - just mix a few times and move-on.
4. Sprinkle some flour on the counter, and dump the bowl's contents onto the flour. This is the part where you'll knead your biscuit dough, but it's a tricky part, so pay attention moron:
5. You'll now have a heap of dry and wet (it's not homogeneous) lump of dough on the floured counter. I use both hands, and push the dough together, then flop-it 90 degrees to the right (a new surface will be on the board) and repeat until the dough resembles "dough." The goal is to be as gently as possible with the dough - over-working biscuit dough will make them tough, and you'll know it as soon as you take that first bite. My biscuits are God damn good because I do it right.
6. Be sure to add flour as you need it. You'll probably have to sprinkle the top and the bottom of the dough a few times. Plan on working the dough for no more than one minute. You should use nearly all the flour - at least 1/2 cup.
7. Shape the dough into a ~3/4" high layer of dough. It doesn't have to be round--you're not making a pie crust--just get it into a rough rectangle shape. Use your hands to push-down the dough. You don't need a rolling pin - hands are good enough. If you use a rolling pin, I'm going to come-over and bash it over your head...
8. Use a biscuit cutter to cut-out the biscuits. WTF is a biscuit cutter? Glad you asked. It's a tool use to cut biscuits into repeatable shapes. Since you don't have one, you can use a soup can with the top & bottom cut off, or a drinking glass. The can will work better because the metal sides are thinner, but you get the idea: cut the biscuits into rounds the size of a soup can. Oh, and add "biscuit cutter" to your grocery list for next time - they're like $2, and will last forever.
• Scraps: you’re going to have scraps of dough. Mix-together the scraps as gently as possible and flatten-out into another rectangle. Repeat the biscuit cutting process. These biscuits will be tougher than the original ones, but still better than shitty restaurant biscuits.
9. Place the cut biscuits onto a sheet pan lined with parchment paper. The parchment paper is not an option, you MUST use it. Why? First, because I said so. Second, because it will keep the bottom of the dough from over-cooking. Also, you won't have to clean your sheet pan if you use parchment paper. Place the biscuits close to one another, but not touching – about 1/4” of space between biscuits.
10. Bake at 425 degrees for ~20 minutes. They're done when they're slightly browned on the outside - might be done early, but not less than 15 minutes.

FAQs

• How do I eat these? >> These biscuits are great by themselves, or even better with gravy (keep reading). Makes ~12 biscuits depending on size
• Salt: Can I skip the salt? >> Nope. I accidentally forgot the salt the other day, and the biscuits were bland. Tell your doctor you now have a high-sodium diet and to recalculate your blood pressure medicine.

Sausage Gravy

INGREDIENTS

• 1 lb Breakfast Sausage (1 tube)
• 3 Cups Milk (or 2 cups milk + 1 cup half & half)
• 1/3 Cup A/P Flour
• 1/2 tsp Cayenne Powder
• 3 Tbs Butter
• Black Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large saucepan cook the sausage in 1 Tbs of butter until browned. Remove the sausage with a slotted spoon - try to leave as much grease in the pot as possible. Reserve the sausage (that means, don't throw it away).
2. Check the pot - you'll need 3 Tbs of sausage grease/butter to continue. So, if you have too much, remove some. If you have too little, add a little butter.
3. Cook the flour in the melted butter/grease mixture for ~3 minutes. You're now making a roux ("roo," like kanga-roo). This is used as a thickener, and it works very well.
4. Once the flour has cooked, add the milk slowly - stirring the whole time. There are a few things you should have noticed when adding the milk: first, it hydrated the flour and made a thick paste; second, the paste got thinner and thinner as you added all the milk. Good job monkey, you did it right.
5. Cook the milk & roux mixture over medium heat for a few minutes. The goal is to return the milk to a simmer - the roux will thicken the whole amount of milk, but it happens as the mixture reaches boiling temperature (don't over boil this - you're not trying to sterilize surgical instruments). Add-in the cayenne pepper.
6. When the mixture hits a simmer, toss-in the reserved sausage and stir together. If it's too dry, feel free to add-in some more milk (or half & half), but not too much. Best to go a little at a time until it's perfect.
7. Put the remaining 2 Tbs of butter on the top (it'll melt-in, and that's good)
8. Eat

FAQs

• How to eat biscuits and gravy >> Take one or two biscuits, split them in half (think “Oreo”), and put them on the plate. Now pour-on the gravy. This makes more than enough for a family or four - probably the perfect amount for a family of six, but no one better want seconds. For the ultimate in early-morning decadence, serve with a helping of perfectly cooked scrambled eggs and a tank of black coffee. Next, clear a place on the couch for your nap.