Review: Ravenswood Zinfandel

Me and the wife cashed-in a $100 Lettuce-Entertain-You gift card at Maggiano's the other night in exhausting Schaumburg, IL. I knew we weren't up for a bottle, so settled on two glasses of wine. Lo and behold, I saw a wine that I have enjoyed at home in the past:

Ravenswood Zinfandel

It's a good one! A little steep, perhaps, at $8+ per glass, but compared to the other by the glass wines on the menu, a bargain. It was bold (like a Cabernet), but not too dry. It was perfect for the I-talian food we ordered.

You can certainly pick-up an affordable bottle of Ravenswood Zinfandel at your local liquor store for $15 or less (always look for sales).

Recipe: Sugar Cookies

You like to decorate cookies for Christmas? Use these ones, and Santa won’t skip your plate of cookies this year.

Want to waste all your free time decorating cookies?
Then this is the recipe for you.

INGREDIENTS

• 3 Cups A/P Flour
• 3/4 tsp Baking Powder
• 1/4 tsp Salt
• 2 Sticks (16 Tbs) Unsalted Butter, softened
• 1 Cup Sugar
• 1 Egg, beaten
• 1 Tbs Half & Half
• 1 tsp Vanilla Extract
• Powdered Sugar for rolling out dough

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a small bowl, stir together flour, baking powder, and salt.
2. With an electric mixer, beat butter and sugar together until the butter lightens in color and is frothy. Add egg, half & half, and vanilla and mix to combine. With mixer on low, slowly add flour mixture until homogeneous.
3. Knead dough lightly with hands to ensure it is evenly mixed. Divide into two pieces, wrap each half with plastic, and refrigerate for at least 2 hours (overnight is better).
4. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
5. Sprinkle powdered sugar on a clean counter top and rolling pin. Roll-out one piece of dough to 1/4" thickness (NO THINNER, DAMMIT!) Cut with your cutest Christmas shapes (or Happy Hanukkah shapes for the Jews). Gingerly move the cut shape to a heavy baking sheet lined with parchment paper for baking. Leave 1” or more space between cookies.
6. When you've cut-out all the shapes that will fit, you can re-roll the scraps. Just gently form the scraps into a ball, flatten the ball, and then roll-out into another 1/4" disk. Use the second dough half when the first is completed – leave as much dough in the fridge for as long as possible. IT’S IMPORTANT TO KEEP THIS DOUGH COLD TO ENSURE ARTFUL AND SHARPLY CUT COOKIE EDGES – like, no duh!
7. Bake for 7 to 9 minutes rotating the cookies halfway-through the baking process.
8. Cool for 2 minutes on the cookie sheet and then evacuate to a cooling rack until cooled. You can store the cookies in a plastic storage bag until you want to decorate them or until you want to eat them – either way.

FAQs

• Unsalted Butter? >> Most baking recipes include salt and specify unsalted butter. This is because there are small differences in the amount of salt in yo butter. If I don’t have unsalted butter in the house, I generally assume ~1/4 tsp of salt is in each stick of butter. The actual salt is probably a little less than that, but you have to start somewhere.
• Electric Mixer >> You can certainly use that underpowered hand mixer for these cookies, but I wholeheartedly recommend breaking-out the big-ass stand mixer. It mixes all by itself, and leaves you two hands free for Christmas beer consumption.
• Parchment Paper >> So many people get all weirded-out by lining a baking pan with parchment paper. Trust me people, the paper isn’t going to burst into flames in your weak-fisted oven. I never bake anything without parchment paper. You can use a silicone mat (Silpat) is you have one, but remember: parchment paper is ~10 cents; silicone baking mat is ~$30.
• Icing >> The standard way to ice these cookies is with “Royal Icing.” It involves mixing egg whites, cream of tartar, and powdered sugar. This year I used white cake frosting (from a can) and the kids liked it. Be sure to load-up on sprinkles and colored sugar and all that bullshit – it’ll be a warm family moment.

Recipe: Smashed Potatoes

WTF are smashed potatoes? Well, these potatoes are made with waxy potatoes (red or Yukon Gold) and mixed with cream cheese and herbs. You can still ladle-on the gravy, fat ass, so stop your freakin'! For traditional mashed potatoes, check-out my earlier recipe.

This was one of the sides for my oh-so-successful 2009 Christmas dinner. I'll feature Christmas recipes over the next few weeks because I've got nothin' else.

These are chunkier than I usually make: still delicious

Smashed Potatoes

will serve up to 10 adults

INGREDIENTS

• 5 lbs red potatoes (can substitute Yukon Gold, but I like the red)
• 1 lb cream cheese (that's 2 "bricks") cut into 1" chunks and brought to room temperature
• 1/2 cup half & half brought to room temperature
• Chives
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Peel half the potatoes. Cut all potatoes into golf ball sized pieces and place into large pot. Sprinkle with ~2 Tbs kosher salt and fill with water until the water reaches just below the top potato - no use water-logging those spuds!
2. Cover and bring to a boil over high heat, then reduce to low and simmer for ~20 minutes, or until the potatoes are softened (check softness by inserting a paring knife - if it goes in easily, the potatoes are done)
3. Drain the potatoes and return to the pot. Using a potato masher, mash the shit out of those potatoes. Leave them the consistency you like. Me personally, I like them more creamy than chunky, so I really go to town.
4. Add the cream cheese and stir. You'll notice the cream cheese is melting into the potatoes - that's good. Keep the half & half in reserve - add it if you need to loosen the texture. Chances are you'll need a little, but might not need all of it.
5. Check salt & pepper. The potatoes should have enough salt (from the cooking), but could need some pepper if you so desire.
6. Using scissors, snip the chives into 1/2" pieces and stir into the potatoes. Done. Serve and eat.

FAQs

• Room temperature - is that necessary? >> Yeah, it is. Cold dairy will cool-down your potatoes to an unacceptable serving temperature. You'll be embarrassed and humiliated and unable to look decent society in the face for a long time to come. Poor poor bastard!
• How can I easily drain those potatoes? >> The way I do it, and the way you should too, is to skew the lid leaving ~1" of space for water to drain. Then, I use two pot holders to hold-down the lid and drain the water into the sink. The potatoes stay in the pot, but the water is drained. It's genius, for sure.
• Chives? WTF are chives? >> Chives are like little green onions (scallions). They're shaped like long blades of grass and are impossible to cut with all but the sharpest of knives (you don't have one sharp enough - trust me). The best way to cut them is with a scissors - it's easy.

Recipe: Chicken Noodle Soup

Not that you can’t find heat-and-eat soup in a can; but don’t you want something that’s homemade, has less salt, and only costs pennies per serving? Let me answer for you: YES, YOU DO!

Here’s a recipe for chicken noodle soup that’s as easy as it gets and is mmm mmm God Damn delicious!

I use different noodles, but this shows how delicious it can be...

INGREDIENTS

• Two bone-in chicken breasts
• 96 oz. of chicken broth (aseptic container or home-made preferred)
• 4 carrots (cut into “coins”)
• 4-5 celery ribs (chopped)
• 12 oz. Egg noodles – specifically “Kluski” noodles (they look like the noodles in the Campbell’s Chicken Noodle Soup can)
• Water
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Pre-heat the oven to 400 degrees. Rinse the chicken breasts with warm water, clean-off the extra fat and nonsense, and pat-dry with a paper towel. Place the chicken into a glass baking dish and roast in the oven for ~25 minutes or until cooked (may take longer depending on the shape of the breasts – check the temp with an instant read thermometer – 180 degrees for white meat chicken – or, cut-into the breast at 25 minutes. If it’s all “white,” then you’re good to go, otherwise cook for additional five minute intervals until done).
2. While the chicken is roasting, you can prep the veggies. Clean the celery and peel the carrots. Slice the vegetables into thin slices – remember: you’re going to have to fit this on a spoon.
3. Pour the chicken broth into a large stockpot (your largest) and set the flame to medium. Dump-in the vegetables. Bring the broth to a simmer – it’s not necessary to boil. In fact, try to hit 200 degrees (if possible) without ever getting to 212 (that’s the boiling point at sea level). The reason is that “boiling” is pretty destructive, and you’re trying to keep some delicate flavors alive.
4. Once the pot’s reached its target temperature, add the noodles and simmer for ~10 minutes or until the noodles are cooked.
5. At this point, the chicken should be done. Peel-off the skin and remove the meat from the bones. Cut that breast into small soup-sized pieces and add to the pot. If there are any “drippings” in the baking dish, toss those in as well – no use wastin’ all that good flavor!
6. Check the soup flavor – chances are, it needs salt – go ahead and add some. If the mix is a bit too strong, add some water – add as much as you like. That’s it – no brain surgery.

FAQs

• Aseptic container? >> That’s the “carton” of chicken broth you see at the store. It has a better flavor than the cans, which I find “tinny” for this recipe. The large boxes generally come-in 32 or 48 oz. sizes, so use two or three for this recipe. If you want to make home-made chicken stock, then more power to you. It’s something I haven’t made yet, and don’t really have the storage space to contain...
• Checking doneness of chicken >> If, for some reason, your chicken escapes the oven before it’s “completely” done, relax: it’s going to spend a little time in a pot of near-boiling broth/water; it won’t infect you with salmonella. But, you really are going to have to learn how to check a chicken’s doneness and the time/temp guidelines for meats – I mean, I’m not going to live as your culinary judo master forever, you know!
• 200 degrees? Are you serious? >> Yes. Like I said, you don’t want to vigorously boil the mixture, so try to keep it just under the boil. That’s called a “bare simmer” and it means that bubbles are just barely breaking the surface of the pot. If you live in the mountains and have altitude issues with the boiling temperature of water, then you’re on your own.
• This seems pretty bland >> Yeah, don’t go crazy and start adding a bunch of other weird shit to the pot – this is a recipe for a good honest bowl of chicken noodle soup – simple and good.

Recipe: Brownies Two Ways

Either of these brownie recipes are the best damn brownies you’re likely to have tasted in your pitiful life. The difference is how the chocolate is being delivered: cocoa or chocolate bar. If I had to choose, I’d make both and just start wearing sweatpants!

There's no need to add weed to these brownies...

Cocoa Brownies

INGREDIENTS

• 4 large eggs
• 1 cup granulated sugar
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 8 oz. melted butter (two entire sticks!)
• 1 1/4 cups cocoa, sifted (use “Dutched” cocoa – see note)
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup all-purpose flour, sifted
• 1/2 tsp kosher salt
• Nuts (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat the oven to 300 degrees
2. In a mixer with a whisk attachment, beat the eggs until they are fluffy and lighter in color (high-speed for a few minutes)
3. Swap-out the whisk for the paddle attachment, and mix-in the sugars until it is all blended-together well. This maneuver will incorporate air into the mix and fluff-up the brownie texture. If you don’t do this, you’ll end-up with leaden brownie logs.
4. Add the remaining ingredients and mix to combine. Be sure to NOT over-mix. Mixing flour will create gluten. Gluten is what gives structure to things like bread. Over-producing gluten will make tough brownies. Just mix it until it’s fully combined, then stop.
5. NUTS: if you like to add nuts, now is the time. Add up to a half-cup of chopped nuts to the brownies - walnuts or pecans are best.
6. Bake the brownies in an 8x8 baking dish (preferably, a square-sided metal baking pan) fitted with a parchment paper sling (see note).
7. Bake for 45+ minutes until a toothpick inserted in the center comes-out clean.
8. Let the brownies cool in the pan for ~5 minutes, and then evacuate the 8x8 brick to a rack for further cooling. Use the helpful parchment paper sling. Cut and eat the brownies when they are cooled completely.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• Cut into 2x2 squares, 16 pieces total. Doesn’t sound big enough? Just taste and you’ll see!

FAQs

• Nuts >> For added flavor, toast the nuts in a non-stick skillet over medium heat until they are warmed, or toast on a sheet pan in a 300 degree oven for ~10 minutes, or until fragrant. “Toasting” the nuts will release some essential oils and make them taste better.
• Nuts 2 >> I advocate mixing the nuts in with the batter. You can also “top” the batter with nuts before baking. Either way sounds good to me!
• Pan Prep >> For this recipe, you will need to pay careful attention to the pan because brownies are notorious for getting stuck in the corners of pans – especially in the square-sided pan I ordered you to use for baking. To properly prepare the pan, you will need an 8x16+ piece of parchment paper
1. Spread butter all over the pan (inside only please). The goal is to lightly coat all the metal surfaces without any build-up. Built-up butter will pool during baking, harden on the outer surface of the brownie, and be weird-looking.
2. Lay the parchment paper in the bottom of the pan – draping the long ends outside of the pan. This will create a “sling” for removing the brownies later. Don’t worry, parchment paper won’t burn in the oven and won’t leave off-flavors like wax paper would.
3. Butter the parchment paper too – just the bottom.
4. Dump-in the cocoa (or flour) and tilt and shake the pan until all the butter has been dusted with cocoa. This will create a barrier between the butter and the batter. Be sure to only lightly coat the butter and then throw-away the excess.
5. Pan is sufficiently prepared for brownie baking.

Chocolate Brownies

INGREDIENTS

• 4 large eggs
• 2 1/4 cups granulated sugar
• 12 oz. butter, cut into ~6 pieces
• 1 1/4 cups cake flour
• 6 oz. unsweetened chocolate, chopped fine
• 1 Tbs vanilla extract
• 3/4 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp kosher salt
• Nuts (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees
2. Whisk together flour, salt, and baking powder – set aside.
3. Melt chocolate and butter in large metal bowl set over saucepan of almost-simmering water (aka double boiler), stirring occasionally, until smooth. Add the butter a piece at a time until melted.
4. Remove from the heat and whisk-in the sugar and eggs (one at a time) until combined. Mix-in the vanilla. Fold-in the flour in three batches with a rubber spatula – remember about the gluten! Don’t over-mix flour! Stir until homogenous.
5. NUTS: if you like to add nuts, now is the time. Add up to a half-cup of chopped nuts to the brownies - walnuts or pecans are best.
6. Bake the brownies in a 9x13 baking dish (preferably, a square-sided metal baking pan) fitted with a parchment paper sling.
7. Bake for 30-35 minutes until a toothpick inserted in the center comes-out clean.
8. Let the brownies cool in the pan for ~5 minutes, and then use the parchment paper sling to evacuate the 9x13 brick to a rack for further cooling (~2 hours). Cut and eat the brownies when they are cooled completely.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• Cut into 2x2 squares, ~24 pieces total

FAQs

• Nuts >> See cocoa brownie notes on nuts
• Pan Prep >> See cocoa brownie notes on pan prep, but scale-up the sizes for the bigger pan (duh!)
• Double boiler, WTF?!? >> A “double boiler” is a tool to cook/melt something by using the steam generated by water that is barely simmering. This is a very gentle way to melt chocolate. If you were to melt chocolate in a pot on the stove, you’d definitely burn some and then separate the rest. The results would not be pretty. If you’re really too inept to attempt the double boiler trick, you can microwave the chocolate. Do this in 15-20 second “bursts” stirring after each burst. Stop microwaving when everything looks right. But I urge you to try the double boiler – it’s crucial if you ever hope to make hollandaise!
• Cake flour >> There are three basic types of flour based on protein content: cake, a/p, and bread. Cake flower has the lowest amount of protein and bread flour has the highest. It’s the protein in the flour that creates the gluten, and the gluten makes baked goods tough. So, for the tenderest baked goods, use cake flour. For the heartiest breads and pizza crusts, use bread flour. And, if you’re just not sure what to do, use all purpose flour.

Recipe: Pizza Pizza

I frequently say, “I make the best pizza in McHenry County, IL.” It’s true, and until a Lou Malnati’s restaurant opened-up shop down the street, it wasn’t that impressive an accomplishment. But even with Lou’s down the street, this is still the best. I’ll let him have the “Chicago style” deep dish pizza honors, I focus on thin crust.

This recipe is broken into three parts: dough, sauce, and construction. Try to keep-up!




Pizza Dough
Makes enough for two “large” pizzas

INGREDIENTS

• 4 cups Bread Flour (No, it’s not ok to use A/P flour)
• 1 1/2 cups Warm Water (water should be between 100-110 degrees)
• 2 tsp Instant Dry Yeast
• 8 tsp Sugar (that’s 2 2/3 Tbs)
• 2 tsp Kosher Salt
• 2 Tbs Olive Oil

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a glass 2-cup measuring cup, mix the water, sugar, and yeast. Let sit for ~5 minutes to give the yeast a chance to “wake-up.”
2. In the bowl of your stand mixer, combine the flour and the salt.
3. Stir the yeast mixture to get the stuff off the bottom. Add the oil to the water and dump the whole thing into the mixer.
4. Using the dough hook, mix for 20 minutes on the lowest speed. Sometimes I've noticed that the dough is a little too sticky. If that's the case, you can add a few tablespoons of flour into the mixing bowl - that will help dry it out a little. Even though a sticky dough is a pain in the ass to work with, will make a more tender crust. 
5. Knead dough on the counter to form a ball – about 30 seconds. Cut the dough ball in half and roll each half into its own ball – about 1 minute.
6. Put each ball into a glass bowl that has been sprayed with non-stick spray (Pam) and cover with plastic wrap. Put into a warm place for 2+ hours.

FAQs

• Bread Flour? >> As I’ve said before, bread, all-purpose, and cake flours have different protein amounts. It’s the protein that allows the flour to develop gluten which is what gives bread its structure. Bread flour has the highest protein level, and will make the best texture crust.
• I have packet yeast – how much? >> I always buy “bulk” yeast, and measure-out what I need. But I think that one packet has 2 1/2 tsp, so just use one packet.
• I ain’t got no stand mixer. >> This dough is so much easier in a stand mixer, but you can do it manually. Just knead the shit out of that dough for 20 minutes. You’ll notice that the dough starts to tighten-up quickly, but it’s the continued kneading that develops the gluten. A general rule of thumb I’ve seen is that you should manually knead twice as long as the mixer. That would be 40 minutes, which is too long. Knead for 20 and see how that goes. Then tell me all about your NEW mixer – you know, the one you decided to buy after kneading your arms into oblivion that one day!
• Warm place for 2 hours, WTF? >> Yes, you need to “proof” the dough, which means to let it rise. I put mine in the oven (turned off) and then pour boiling water into a loaf pan and put that in the oven too. The boiling water will make the oven warm and the steam will make it humid: warm and humid is perfect for proofing dough.

Pizza Sauce
Makes enough for three “large” pizzas

INGREDIENTS

• 1 6 oz can Tomato Paste
• 1 8 oz can Tomato Sauce
• 1 tsp garlic, minced or crushed
• 1-2 tsp Dried Basil
• 1-2 Tbs Dried Oregano
• 1 tsp Sugar
• 1/2 tsp Onion Powder (optional)
• Black Pepper
• Olive Oil

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a small saucepan over medium heat, add ~1 tsp olive oil and the garlic. Let cook for a minute or so – until you hear the garlic starting to sizzle.
2. Dump-in the tomato products and the spices. Stir to combine.
3. Bring to a near-boil.
4. Turn-off the heat, and let sit on the stove until you’re ready to use (hopefully in a few minutes, but can sit for a long time if needed)

FAQs

• Doesn't seem like enough sauce for three pizzas >> Relax, you’re not going to take a bath in the stuff. You don’t really use that much sauce on an individual pizza.
• Why “teaspoons” for basil and “tablespoons” for oregano? >> The oregano flavor is the predominant flavor in pizza. That’s why it’s put on the table in pizza restaurants in a cheese shaker.
• What’s up with the sugar? >> A lot of times, sugar is used to temper the acidity of tomatoes in cooking. This is another one of those times.
• Hey, this is enough sauce for three pizzas, but only enough dough for two pizzas - what gives? >> I didn't invent the amount of tomato sauce/paste they put into those cans. The good news is that you can save the sauce as a perfect dip for mozzarella sticks or the uneaten pizza crusts from your kids plates (pretend they're breadsticks, and dip them in the delicious sauce)

Pizza Construction
One pizza serves one 4-person family (daddy, mommy, boy, and girl)

INGREDIENTS

• 1/2 Pizza Dough Recipe (see above)
• 1/3 Pizza Sauce Recipe (see above)
• 8 oz. Mozzarella Cheese
• Pepperoni (optional)
• Italian Sausage (optional)
• Red Bell Pepper, diced small (optional)
• Mushrooms, sliced thin (optional)
• Black Olives, sliced (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat your oven to 450 degrees.
2. Remove your proofed dough from the bowl, and place on a floured surface. Flatten the dough into a disc (think “pizza shape”) and stretch the dough gently into the desired shape. Don’t be afraid to pick-up the dough and stretch with your fingers – using bread flour has made this into dough that can take your weak-fisted punishment.
3. Place the dough on a perforated pizza pan (the kind that is round and has a bunch of holes)
4. Spoon-on the sauce.
5. Sprinkle-on a “base layer” of mozzarella. I generally use 1/3 of the cheese beneath the toppings and 2/3 above.
6. Toppings.
7. Top cheese.
8. Bake in the oven for ~13 minutes. I start the pizza on the bottom of the oven, and move to the top about halfway thorough the cooking process. That way, the crust gets crispy (bottom) and the cheese gets browned (top).
9. Cut in wedges (makes 12 wedges easy) and eat.

FAQs

• Do you “toss” your pizza? >> Yes, I am awesome.
• Pizza pan – why not a pizza stone? >> I have a pizza stone, but I think it’s a major pain in the ass. I don’t have a pizza peel (that’s the wooden paddle used to deposit and withdraw pizzas from the oven), so I would have to use a cookie sheet. I suppose if I had a peel, I’d have more success. Also, my stone is smaller than the pizza pan – I’d have to make smaller pizzas. That’s not something I’m interested in at this time...
• How do you sauce? >> Ok, I start with about 2-3 Tbs of sauce (don’t bother measuring, Martha!) in the middle of the dough. Then I take the back of the spoon and start spreading it around. The goal is to cover the dough with as thin a layer of sauce as possible. If you use too much sauce, the dough will cook weird and the cheese will just slide around. Do it my way once, and then try what you like.
• Topping suggestions >> There are two basic pizzas in my arsenal: [pepperoni and black olive] or [sausage and mushroom].
  • Sausage & Mushroom: Use ~6 oz. of mild Italian sausage per pizza and ~4 oz. raw mushrooms. I cook the sausage before putting it on the pizza – I don’t think a home oven gets hot enough to cook the sausage on the pie (restaurant pizza ovens get to 600+ degrees). Plus, a benefit to cooking the sausage before is that I can drain the sausage and eliminate all that extra grease.
  • Pepperoni & Black Olive: I lay-down the pepperoni from the outside-in with consistent spacing throughout. Some people might think it’d be great to make a “sheet” of pepperoni. To those idiots, I’d say “remember proportions.” There’s a reason you’re not eating just a brick of pepperoni – you want the flavors to work with one another. Sprinkle the black olives on top of the pepperoni.
  • Any Pizza: A welcome addition to either of these pizzas is some diced red bell pepper. It adds a nice sweetness to the pie. 1/4 of a pepper should be enough for one pizza.

Recipe: Guacamole

The first time I made this was for when my boss came-over for dinner with his fiancee. The guy ended-up eating way more than his fair share - what a DICK! Anyway, it's awesome guacamole - give it a try and you'll see...

Guacamole

I’ve had Mexican guacamole, and it’s no wonder there’s so much of an illegal immigration problem: they’re all trying to get some of my Chicago-style chip dip. Do yourself a favor and make this.

Get yourself a molcajete, or a gay boyfriend, and you can serve-it-up fancy like this!

INGREDIENTS

• 4 Haas Avocados (those are the dark bumpy ones)
• Juice from one lime (be sure to get all that juice)
• 1/4 Red Onion, diced super-fine (and rinsed)
• 1 Tbs Cilantro leaves, chopped
• 4 Roma Tomatoes, diced (see note)
• 1/2 tsp Garlic Powder
• 1 tsp Kosher Salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Scoop-out the avocado flesh and put in a large bowl. Dump lime juice over the avocados. Add the garlic powder and half the salt. Mix with a potato masher until it reaches the desired consistency.
2. Stir-in the tomatoes, onion, and cilantro. Check seasoning – add the rest of the salt if needed.
3. Move from the large bowl to a fancier chip dippin’ bowl. Eat.

RECIPE NOTES

• Avocados >> Usually, from the selection of avocados at the store, you’re either making guacamole TONIGHT (OMG, THEY ARE READY THIS FUCKING SECOND!) or next weekend – meaning that they’re either pudding-soft or hard as a rock. When choosing an avocado, you ideally want one that gives “slightly” under pressure from your thumb and doesn’t feel like a rotten banana. AND, don’t pick the “fuerte” avocados: those are the bright green ones that are big. They don’t make good guacamole because they NEVER reach the right texture.
• How do I remove the seed from the avocado? >> What I do, and it’s recommended by every chef out there, is to halve the avocado (the seed will be in one of the halves) and then, using your chefs knife, lightly “chop down” on the seed – embedding the knife into the seed, then twist the knife/seed – loosening and removing the seed. To get the seed off the knife, I pinch it off with my fingers (from the top of the knife – not the blade).
• Tomatoes >> When dicing the tomatoes, you only want the flesh – not the juice and seeds. So, slice-off the “sides” of the tomato only and ditch the seeds and pulp. That way, you’ve got only what you need and it won’t water-down the guacamole. Who’s the smart one now?
• No hot peppers? >> Nope. I don’t want to muddy-up my perfect guacamole with heat and spice that will overwhelm the entire thing. If you used your brain once and a while, you’d realize I’m right.
• Why rinse the onion? >> Raw onion is pretty pungent, and you don't usually want all that onion flavor overpowering the rest of your delicate flavors. So, after the onions are diced, rinse them under cold water - then drain - and they will add just the right amount of onion and not ruin the rest of the thing.