Review: Hot & Spicy Pickles

GODDAMN! These are hot.

Here's an idea - next time, just set your mouth and asshole on fire

Most times, especially in the summer, we want to explore a little bit of the hot & spicy. Pickles are now no exception. Saw these in the grocery store and thought they were a logical next step for my pickle journey.

The First Bite

Those of you familiar with Claussen know about that freshness. Their regular pickles are great - found in the refrigerator case - cool and crisp and just enough tang. These fireball pickles begin the same way. First taste is classic Claussen.

One second later...

HOLY SHIT, MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE! They might have overachieved a bit on the spicy, these are pretty intense. Finish the pickle, then finish your beer and then another beer to hose-down this fucking inferno.

Would I recommend these pickles?

Yes. For two reasons.

1. Spicy heat releases endorphins, which make you feel good. Put-down a few of these pickles, and you'll feel great (mostly because, when you stop eating them, the end-of-pain will be welcome relief)
2. For that jerk-off who claims that nothing is too hot. Sure, a masochist who eats raw chiles is prepared for some heat, but these will come from left field. No one expects a harmless pickle to be the devil - dripping in vinegar, no less...

Do yourself a favor, and dedicate some space in your icebox for these fiery pickles. Misery loves company, and I need some now...

Review: Chicago Manhattans

I've been known to enjoy a Manhattan, or three. On a recent week-long work trip to downtown Chicago, I had the opportunity to taste a few. Let's rate them and see how they stacked-up - it will be fun!

Monday night: The Bedford

Drinks in the bank vault? Sounds good to me.

The Manhattans and the service were great. The dark cherry was a welcome change from a typical maraschino.

Monday night #2: Bub City

Howdy, pardner!

After great drinks and a nice dinner, live country music and forgettable Manhattans. What more would you expect?

Monday night #3: Snickers

Looks can be deceiving, but not this time. It's a dive.

Ok, Bub City just closed, but we still need some drinks. "Snicker's" across the street? Yes. I believe I may have had a Manhattan and it was marginal at best, but my memory is clouded. Go figure.

Tuesday night: ugh, no Manhattans tonight. Even a badass needs to sleep sometimes.

Wednesday night: Epic

 

Not so comfortable rooftop. $13 Manhattan in a plastic glass?

The Manhattan was lame and overpriced. The bartender certainly wasn't hired for her mixology. One Manhattan and done. Also, Guinness from a can? Let's get out of here.

Wednesday night #2: Rockit

Upscale sports bar? Kind of. Good food.

Had a Manhattan upon arrival, and it was good, but I'm just not feelin' it tonight. Have a Farmhouse burger and a few beers.

Wednesday night #3: Blue Frog

Privacy shower curtains in the men's room are part of the charm of this place. Then hit the stage to redeem myself as the karaoke king of Chicago

Want a drink at this karaoke dive? Stick to PBR in a can - it's the local favorite.

Wednesday night #4: The Hangge Uppe

Try not to touch anything.

Blue Frog closes at 2 (last call ~1:15); Hangge Uppe is open until 4:00. Why not? Definitely did not order a Manhattan - not really sure what I would get. I did; however, stick to the floor for a few hours.

Thursday night: The Benchmark

Decent place in Oldtown. Pretentious ladies and bros who've grown-up.

I had one Manhattan - it was fine, but again, not feeling it. Maybe this is a bad week to judge Manhattans...

And, the winner...

Tall Pinkie with a Splash

At the company picnic Thursday, I drank a raft of these...

INGREDIENTS

• Pre-made vodka & pink lemonade (no clue on the ratios)
• Extra vodka
• Lime wedge
• Ice

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Walk-up to the bartender, and using your existing plastic cup as a guide, motion 3/4 of the glass for "pinkie," ask for an extra splash of vodka, and a lime
2. Bartender looks at you sideways and then obeys - they are getting paid for this after all
3. Return to friends and associates and their pink drink mockery. Whatever.

Recipe: Badass Creamy Rosemary Parmesan Polenta

Tired of potatoes or noodles on the side? Me neither, but this polenta is a nice change. The rosemary and parmesan cheese flavors were perfect alongside the pork roast I made too. BOOM, TUESDAY NIGHT DINNER!

That rosemary sprig is over the top, but this is generally how it will look

INGREDIENTS

• 1.5 cups Coarse Ground Cornmeal (aka polenta or grits)
• 4.5 cups Water
• 1 cup Half & Half
• 1 Cup Shredded Parmesan Cheese
• 1+ Tbs Salt
• 1/3 Cup Olive Oil
• 1 Tbs Rosemary (rubbed)
• 4 Tbs Butter (that's 1/2 stick)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a medium saucepan, add 4.5 cups of water and  bring to a boil. Add salt. Slowly stir-in the polenta/grits, stir, bring to a boil, and reduce heat. Cook for ~20 mins.
2. In a small saucepan, add olive oil and rosemary. Warm oil on low heat - should take ~5 mins. Do not allow to bubble - you just want to lightly infuse the oil and rosemary together - boiling will change the flavor of the oil and is against the rules for this dish. When oil is warm/hot, turn-off the heat and allow to sit.
3. Continue stirring the polenta. It will thicken as it cooks. Also, the "grittiness" will smooth-out and become creamy. Oh yeah.
4. After ~20 mins, check the polenta. When creamy, add the butter, cheese, and half & half. Stir until the cheese is melted. Check the flavor - add salt if needed. Add the oil/rosemary and stir to combine.
5. Serve.

FAQs

• What do you mean "rubbed" rosemary? << Just take the rosemary and squeeze it between your fingers. This will release some of the essential oils in the rosemary and jazz-up that flavor.
• What is the difference between polenta and grits? << Nothing. Usually you see polenta as yellow and grits as white, but they are completely interchangeable.
• Why no garlic or other things I see in other parmesan/rosemary polenta recipes? << Everything doesn't need to be dripping with garlic. Take a break.

Wurst Father's Day Ever

Father's Day checklist:

1. Eat delicious food
2. Have a few beers

Done and done.

For dinner, the Badass wife thought about hot dogs on the grill and I thought about bratwurst. Turns out we both won.

2-stage fire. Notice how the coals are under the bratwurst but not under the hot dogs.

This allows you to char at times and "bake" at other times

Wurst Father's Day Ever

Serves 4 + dog + leftovers

INGREDIENTS

• Hot dogs
• Bratwurst
• 2 large onions, sliced in half and then sliced thin
• Kosher salt
• 2 Tbs dry sherry*
• 2 Tbs butter
• Sausage fixin's (buns, ketchup, mustard, etc.)

INSTRUCTIONS

Meats

1. In your 15+ year old Weber kettle grill, build a 2-stage fire
2. Place the hot dogs and bratwurst on the hot side and char for 1-2 minutes
3. Flip and char the other side for an additional 1-2 minutes
4. Move to the "cool" side, cover the grill, and walk away. For 5 minutes
5. Return to grill, flip sausages, cover, and walk away for a few more minutes
6. Evacuate sausages to a plate

Sauteed Onions

1. Heat a saucepan to medium high heat
2. Add butter and allow to melt
3. Add onions and sprinkle-on ~1-2 tsp of kosher salt
4. Cover and cook for ~5 minutes
5. Check the onions, they should be softened, but probably not browning - that's fine. Stir, cover, and walk away for another 3-5 minutes
6. Check the onions. They should be beginning to brown. Stir, cover, and return every few minutes, stirring and checking. Drop the heat to medium
7. When the sides of the saucepan are starting to get brown with cooked onion, add 2 Tbs dry sherry and deglaze. This will loosen the brown bits and return those bits of flavor to the onion. Cover and cook for another few minutes.
8. Check the onions, when dark golden color, the onions are done. Evacuate to a bowl and wait for dinner time.

After dinner there were still a few spoonfuls of onions left

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• Bratwurst + bun + onions + dark mustard. Done.
• Leave the hot dogs for the kids (and the dog - what a lucky dog!)

RECIPE NOTES

• Dry sherry: whenever I reach for the dry sherry in the cupboard, I have to belt-out a rendition of "Dry Sherry" in the style of Journey. Enjoy the nightmares! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=te1CVVlaJzA

Badass Lentil Salad

Never in the history of food have the words "badass," "lentils," and "salad" been thrown together. Until now.

Badass Lentil Salad
Makes enough for ~6 lunches

Lentil salad at work. Glamorous, no?

INGREDIENTS

• 1 lb Pardina Lentils
• 2 Boneless Chicken Breasts
• 1 English (seedless) Cucumber, quartered and sliced
• 3 Sweet Bell Peppers (assorted colors), sliced thin
• 1/2 Red Onion, sliced thin
• 1 can Chick Peas or Garbanzo Beans (whichever available)
• Handful of Italian (flat leaf) parsely, chopped fine
• 1/2 bottle Italian Salad Dressing

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cook the lentils
• Add the lentils to a medium saucepan (make sure there are no sticks or stones hidden in your lentils) and cover with water by 1 inch
• Heat until boiling. Add ~2 Tbs kosher salt (or 1 Tbs table salt)
• Drop the heat and simmer until al dente (tender but toothsome)
• Drain in a mesh strainer, rinse with cold water, and allow to drip for a few minutes. Put cooked lentils in a huge bowl
2. Cook the chicken
• In a nonstick skillet, heat ~1 Tbs of oil (I used olive oil) over medium-high heat until shimmering
• Add chicken breasts, sizzle, and cover. Cook for ~5 minutes
• Flip the breasts, sizzle, and cover. Cook for another ~5 minutes (check for chicken doneness - if not quite cooked, cut in-half lengthwise and cook a little longer)
• When done, evacuate to a plate, allow to cool until ok to touch
• Slice into very thin fork-sized pieces - add to bowl of lentils
3. Prepare the veggies
• Peppers: cut-off the four sides of each pepper (12 sides total). Then slice into very thin pieces (see pepper detail)
• Cucumber: cut-off either end of the cucumber, peel "most" of the dark green skin, cut in half lengthwise and then half again (result: 4 long quarters of cucumber), and then slice thinly
• Red onion: cut-off top and bottom of onion and then cut in half (pole to pole). Cut onion half in-half again (pole to pole) and slice thin. Result: thin quarter-onion rings. In a mesh strainer, rinse onion under cold water - allow to drain.
• Chick peas: drain can of beans into mesh strainer, rinse thoroughly with cold water.
• All veggies: when fully prepared, add to giant lentil bowl.
4. Add Italian dressing and parsley
5. Stir. Add a little salt, if needed
6. Done.

SERVING SUGGESTIONS

• Scoop into a bowl and eat with a spoon. It's the least glamorous thing you'll eat - except spray cheese from the can standing in-front of the fridge at 2 in the morning. That's less glamorous.

FAQs

• Is this a joke, or something? >> Sadly, no. In an effort to reduce carbs, I have turned to the lowly lentil. It's high protein and low carb and a good staple when trying to put-together a weight-loss lunch for the office. Cheap and easy.
• What are Pardina lentils? >> These lentils are more robust. When cooked, they stay together. Most other lentils completely disintegrate when cooking and must be handled differently.

Badass Mother's Day (crepes for my lady)

Hey, it’s Mother’s Day again, and your wife refuses to leave the bed until the children serve breakfast in it – what do you do?  Well, if you’re like me, and you don’t trust the children to NOT burn-down the house, then it’s downstairs to the crepe-making place…

Mmm, crepes...

Crepe Batter
Makes enough for ~12 8” crepes

INGREDIENTS

• 2 eggs
• 3/4 cup milk
• 1/2 cup water
• 2 Tbs sugar
• 1 cup flour
• 3 Tbs melted butter

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Combine all ingredients and mix vigorously.  Be sure to evenly blend all ingredients into a homogenous mixture.  Park in the fridge for ~30 minutes – this will allow the mixture to come-together as one.
2. Heat a small (8”) non-stick pan to medium.  Add a small amount of butter to the pan (for lubrication purposes).  Ladle an amount of crepe batter that will evenly cover the bottom of the pan – to an approximate 1/8” thickness.  Cook for up to a minute – just enough time to “set” the bottom of the crepe.  Flip the crepe, and cook the other side (the second side should take less time – try 30 seconds to start).
3. Remove the crepe from the pan, place on a plate and cover with a kitchen towel (if planning to serve warm).  When you’ve amassed enough crepes, you may fill and serve.

SERVICE OPTIONS

• Spoon some filling down the center of the crepe and roll-up like a burrito.  There’s really no wrong way to fill a crepe. (filling options listed below...)

FAQs

• Crepe Technique?? >> the real ‘trick’ about crepes is the technique.  You want to allow the batter to spread itself throughout the pan evenly.  I ladle an appropriate amount of batter in the pan, and swirl it around until it’s even.  Practice with the first couple crepes – there should be enough for you to experiment.  If this is your first crepe making adventure, make a double-batch with the express intent of sacrificing an entire legion of misshapen breakfast quick-breads.
• Sugar?? >> this is a recipe for ‘sweet’ crepes.  There are such things as ‘savory’ crepes, but that is not my concern here – just remove the sugar if you want to fill it with BBQ chicken or something like that...

Berries & Cream Filling
Good for crepes, and just about anything else

INGREDIENTS

• 1 cup heavy cream
• 2 Tbs granulated sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla
• Berry assortment (strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, blackberries – you choose the mix)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Rinse all berries.  If using strawberries, cut them to match the size of the other berries.  Add rinsed/cut berries to a bowl and add 1 Tbs of sugar; mix.  This will help macerate the berries, which will force them to release some juices.  Trust me, this is what you want.  Put the berries in the fridge for 30+ minutes.
2. In the bowl of your stand mixer, add the heavy cream, 1 Tbs of sugar, and vanilla, and beat with the whisk attachment until stiff peaks form.  No stand mixer?  Change ‘stand mixer’ to ‘large bowl’ and ‘whisk attachment’ to ‘whisk under human power.’  It will take longer and far more effort by hand, but the taste will remain the same.

Chocolate & Banana Filling
Another winning combo

INGREDIENTS

• 2 bananas, sliced
• Jar of Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. No prep – just spread the Nutella on your crepe, and layer bananas inside – completely idiot-proof.

“Boston Cream” Filling
Holy shit! This was new for 2012, and OMIGOD it was a hit. Basically, it’s Nutella and pastry cream together. Wow. 

INGREDIENTS

• 2 Cups milk
• 1/4 Cup + 1/3 Cup granulated sugar
• 1 egg + 2 egg yolks
• 1/4 Cup cornstarch
• 2 Tbs butter
• 1 tsp vanilla
• Jar of Nutella (chocolate hazelnut spread)

INSTRUCTIONS

Pastry Cream

1. In a small saucepan, cook 2 Cups milk and 1/4 Cup of sugar until the milk boils – then no further.
2. While the milk is heating, mix the whole egg and two egg yolks with a whisk until creamy and lightened in color. Add the 1/3 Cup sugar and 1/4 Cup cornstarch and whisk until fully blended and smooth.
3. When the milk begins to boil, remove from the heat and slowly introduce the boiling milk to the eggs. Slowly because if you pour all that heat into the eggs, you’ll scramble them – no good. What you’re doing is called “tempering,” and it’s a way to introduce something hot into something cold without “cooking” the cold thing. I use a ladle and do it one ladle-full at a time.
4. When all the hot milk has been incorporated, pour the whole thing back into the pot and cook (gently) for a few minutes, or until the mixture thickens. How long will this take? Oh, maybe a few DAMN SECONDS, holy shit – I turned my back on it yesterday, and then had a thick pot of stuff – luckily it wasn’t ruined, but stay close: this is going to set-up quickly.
5. When thickened, turn-off the heat, add the butter and vanilla and stir to melt the butter.
6. Pour into a bowl, cover with plastic wrap (directly touching the cream – to prevent a “skin” from forming) and park in the fridge until cooled. This will take 1+ hours.

Crepe assembly

1. Like in the chocolate-banana crepes, smear a crepe with Nutella spread and spoon-on some pastry cream.
2. Roll-up like a crepe and put on a plate. 

Technique: Bell Pepper Prep

Most times, when you need to use a bell pepper, you want strips (like for fajitas) or diced (like for other dishes). Rarely do you want the bell pepper to retain any form of its shape following preparation.

So, how do you handle this weirdly-shaped vegetable and those damn seeds?

Cut-off the side (or "cheek") of the pepper.

There are four sides - each will be flat and ready to work. 

AND, there will be no seeds to mess with.

Once the cheek of the pepper is removed, 

you can then slice it into strips - easy

Or dice it 

(slice into strips first, and then dice those strips)

Note

This also works for other vegetables - especially when you want diced tomatoes for taco night.