Recipe: Badass BLT Pizza

Holy shit, this was an incredible experiment! How do you take the awesome BLT sandwich and jam it into a pizza shape? I checked the internet, and it looked like there were plenty of pizzas that were "cheese" with bacon, tomato, and lettuce thrown on top. Bah, that's not what I wanted.

I WANTED A BLT ON A PIZZA CRUST!

Apparently, if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself...

None of the pictures of "BLT Pizza" on the internet was exactly what I made. The tomatoes used in this pic are cut-in-half grape tomatoes. Whatever.

Badass BLT Pizza (you can also say "Badass BLT Flatbread" - it's ok)
...each pizza serves 4

INGREDIENTS (per pizza)

• 1 pizza crust (from the acclaimed Pizza Pizza recipe)
• 1/2 Cup mayonnaise
• 1/2 Cup sour cream
• 1/2 lb bacon
• 3 plum tomatoes
• 1 small head of Romaine lettuce
• Salt & pepper
• Sliced avocados (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cut the bacon into 1/2 inch pieces, and cook in a pan until slightly crispy. The bacon will not be cooked any further, so make it how you like it. Drain bacon on a paper towel lined plate and set aside
2. Cut the tomato flesh into a medium dice
1. Cut each side (the "cheek") off each tomato. There are four sides per tomato
2. Discard the middles (the "core") with the jelly and the seeds
3. Scoop-out the seeds and jelly from each tomato cheek
4. You are left with 12 clean tomato sides to work with. This is the easiest way to dice tomato and keep things presentable
3. Shred the lettuce into thin ribbons
4. Mix the sour cream and mayonnaise into a bowl. Add salt & pepper to taste. This is the sauce
5. Stretch the pizza dough onto a pizza pan and drizzle with a little olive oil. In a 450 degree oven, cook a pizza crust for ~10 minutes, or until slightly crispy. NOTE: it's easy to overcook a pizza crust with no toppings, so watch carefully.
6. Remove the pizza crust from the oven, slather-on the "sauce" (sour cream and mayo)
7. Sprinkle-on the cooked bacon, tomatoes, and lettuce
8. Using a pizza wheel, cut into 8 equal wedges, and stand back - people are liable to get a little crazy
9. Top with sliced avocado, if you like
10. BOOM, you are a hero of bacon

FAQs

• Slicing avocado is hard. Do you have a secret method? >> Yes, I do:
• Using a sharp knife, cut each avocado in half. The seed will remain in one of the halves
• Hold the seeded half in one hand, and with the other hand, chop lightly into the seed with your big-ass chef's knife. The knife should now be slightly embedded into the seed.
• Twist the knife and seed, which will remove the seed.
• Pinch the seed off the knife from the back of the knife. The seed will pop-off the blade, and you should still have all the fingers you began with.
• Using a "soup spoon" (that's the spoon in your drawer that is larger than a "tea spoon"), carve between the peel and the flesh, dislodging the flesh from the leathery peel
• Pop the flesh onto the cutting board, upside down
• The avocado is now ready for slicing - don't fuck it up, it's perfect now
• Romaine lettuce? Can I use something else? >> You can do whatever you want, but the romaine lettuce is darker green and looks awesome. Iceberg lettuce would look washed-out and sickly. And you don't want to eat a pizza that looks sickly...

Recipe: Broccoli Casserole

Usually the side dishes you get at Thanksgiving are pretty lame: cold, gummy, and salty. This year, I improved on the usual, and made something that transcends broccoli, water chestnuts, and cheese - a heavenly transformation!

Oh, it's good - real good!

Broccoli Casserole
Serves ~8 people as a side dish

INGREDIENTS

• 1.5 lbs broccoli florets (fresh, dammit!)
• 1 can (15 oz) cream of mushroom soup
• 8 oz shredded cheddar cheese
• 8 oz can water chestnuts, sliced
• 4 oz can evaporated milk
• 1/3 Cup milk
• French fried onions (small can, unless you already have some - you don't need too many)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Trim the broccoli into small bite-sized pieces. In a large pot of boiling salted water*, cook the broccoli for 5 minutes. Remove from water and immerse into an ice bath to immediately stop the cooking*. This can be done the night before.
2. Mix the soup, evaporated milk, and regular milk in a bowl and set aside - this is the sauce.
3. Open the water chestnuts and drain.
4. In a casserole dish (9x9 should do it), make a layer of broccoli, then a layer of water chestnuts, and a layer of cheese. Repeat. Top with one more layer of broccoli only and then pour the "sauce" over everything*
5. Top with a layer of french fried onions
6. Cover with foil, and bake in a 400 degree oven for ~20 minutes, or until heated through. Then remove the foil and bake for an additional 10-15 minutes (this will crisp-up the onions on top)
7. BOOM, done.

FAQs

• Large pot of boiling salted water - what gives? >> When you boil things, especially pasta, you want an immense amount of water and you want that water to be salted. Why? First, because you want the items to be able to move-around freely in the water. Second, because putting cool things in a small amount of boiling water will drop the temperature very quickly. If you have a LARGE amount of water, that effect is lessened. Third, salted, because salt makes things taste good - might as well add some flavor, yes? I'd go with ~2 Tbs of salt per gallon of water.
• Ice bath? Sounds weird >> Ok, this is advanced cooking school for you people... Prepare a bowl of water with ice in it - this is an "ice bath." When you remove the broccoli from the boiling water, it will still be cooking. Put it in a colander and drop that into the ice bath - the cooking will stop immediately. Why do this? First, because the texture will be saved. Overcooking vegetables makes them floppy and soggy - lame. Second, because it will freeze the color as a vibrant green. Overcooked vegetables have a muted color (olive green broccoli anyone?)
• How many layers and what? I'm confused >> You will have three layers of broccoli, two layers of water chestnuts, and two layers of cheese - in this order (bottom to top): 
• broccoli
• water chestnuts
• cheese
• broccoli
• water chestnuts
• cheese
• broccoli
• Why are all these holiday casseroles topped with french fried onions? >> I don't know - it was like that when I got here...

Recipe: Badass Turkey Gravy

Hmm, some of you don't know how easy gravy-making is and have resorted to opening a packet when the holidays come calling. Pathetic.

Don't ruin the best day of the year with this shit

If your fat ol' grandmother could make gravy, there's no reason you can't do it - it's easy. And homemade gravy is totally badass!

You will have to refill this boat many times - because it's delicious, and will get eaten quickly

Badass Turkey Gravy

should make ~8 cups of gravy - serves three

INGREDIENTS

• Turkey stock (recipe below)
• Butter*
• Flour*
• Salt
• Pepper
• Optional extras (giblets, mushrooms, etc)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large saucepan, melt 8 Tbs (4 oz) of butter (that's a full stick of butter, yo)
2. When the butter has melted, add 1 cup of flour and whisk to combine. The flour will soak-up all that butter, and you will be whisking a wet paste on the bottom of the saucepan. That's exactly what you want.
3. Continue whisking the roux for a few minutes until it darkens to a golden color.
4. Add turkey stock to the roux, while whisking, one cup at a time.
1. Add the first cup, whisk. It should thicken immediately. Good.
2. Add the second cup. This should take a little longer to thicken, but thicken it will.
3. Continue adding stock as the mixture thickens. The amount of roux you made should* thicken up to 8 cups of stock (see the FAQs below)
5. When the gravy has reached the desired consistency, salt and pepper to taste.
6. Go ahead and add your optional extras. They should already be cooked and ready to go - don't add raw giblets or mushrooms and hope that the gravy will "cook" them - gross.
7. That's it. Put it in a gravy boat, drop it on the table, and drown your turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing in this shit - it's delicious! 
8. NOTE: the gravy will thicken slightly upon standing. Don't make an over-thick gravy in the pot, and expect it to be the same in the boat. Better to make it a little thin and expect it to thicken a little more at the table.

FAQs

• This is a lot of gravy. What if I need to scale this back for my delicate eating habits? >> Good question, for once. Basically, we're talking about science here: flour and butter should be of equal weights (1 Tbs of butter = 2 Tbs of flour) and one cup of liquid per Tbs of butter
• For 16 cups of gravy: 16 Tbs butter (2 sticks) + 32 Tbs flour (2 Cups) + 16 Cups stock (1 gallon)
• For 4 cups of gravy: 4 Tbs butter (1/2 stick) + 8 Tbs flour (1/2 Cup) + 4 Cups stock (1 quart)
• For 2 cups of gravy: 2 Tbs butter + 4 Tbs flour (1/4 Cup) + 2 Cups stock (1 pint)
• For 1 cup of gravy: no one should make only one cup of gravy - please stop reading this blog...
• You said that the recipe "should" thicken 8 cups of stock. Is there something you're hiding? >> Yes, another excellent question. Roux can vary from the light colors to the very dark colors. A light colored roux will have the most thickening power, but the mildest taste. A dark roux will have a bolder taste, but less thickening power. So, the light roux above "should" thicken 8 cups, but don't come running to me if it doesn't turn-out that way.

Badass Turkey Stock

Makes 2 gallons - more than enough for your entire Thanksgiving feast and then some

Oh turkey stock, is there anything you can't do?

INGREDIENTS

Turkey neck: gross

• Various turkey parts (I used 4 necks and 2 wings)
• 2 onions
• 2 carrots
• 2 celery stalks
• salt
• 6-10 whole peppercorns

INSTRUCTIONS

1. With your biggest and scariest kitchen knife, BEAT THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF THOSE TURKEY PARTS! The goal is to open-up the bones so the stock can take what it needs from them. It's all about the bones.
2. Put the turkey parts in a pan, coat with ~1 Tbs vegetable oil, sprinkle with some salt, and roast in a 400 degree oven for 1 hour. This will allow your stock to benefit from the roasty flavors you're about to drop all up in there.
3. Meanwhile, halve 2 onions, 2 celery ribs, and 2 carrots, and drop into a large pot (your largest) with the whole peppercorns.
4. When the turkey parts are roasted, add them to the pot and then add enough water to cover everything by an inch or two and cover.
5. Bring up to a boil, and then drop the heat to just under a simmer for 3 hours. "Skew" the lid, which means to slide it open just a bit - this will retain the heat, but allow some steam to escape (prevent boil-overs). If the liquid drops below the ingredients, add enough water to cover by an inch or two.
6. Pour the stock through a fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth and store it. You are ready for Thanksgiving success with a homemade stock.

FAQs

• Turkey parts, are you serious? >> Yeah, you can't make a stock without parts. I liked the necks and wings because there's a good amount of bone and connective tissue there - that's what will make you a good stock
• Roast the turkey, are you serious? >> Yeah, turkey gravy is dark. You won't have dark gravy without a dark stock. You won't have a dark stock unless you roast them parts. So get on it!
• Onion, carrots, celery, and peppercorns - is that it? I thought there'd be more things >> Nope, that's it. I have seen the addition of a bouquet garni (French for "garnished bouquet"), but didn't think you had it in you... If so, tie some parsley sprigs, thyme sprigs, and a few bay leaves together with some kitchen string, and drop it in the stock. Be sure to remove it at the end. It's a nice addition, but the stock will still be good without it.
• How do I store this, and for how long? >> I made it the day before Thanksgiving, and stored it in half-gallon sized mason jars in the fridge. That'll be fine for short-term (a week or less) storage. Otherwise, you can pour it into quart sized bags (2 cups of stock per bag) and lay them flat in the freezer. They will freeze flat like book, and can then be stored like a library of stocks in your freezer - awesome, no?

Pour left-over stock in plastic bags and freeze 'em flat

Recipe: Badass Sweet Potato Casserole

For the month prior to Thanksgiving, my daughter was going on and on and on about the sweet potato casserole my mother made last year. "Are you going to make the sweet potatoes this year, Daddy?" Yikes, fine! So I called my mother, got the recipe, and improved it. Here's the new badass version of this new holiday favorite.

That's a lot of marshmallows - use as many or as few as you want

Badass Sweet Potato Casserole

Easily serves 8 at Thanksgiving

INGREDIENTS

• 8 Medium Sweet Potatoes
• 1/3 Cup Milk
• 2 Tbs Melted Butter
• 8 oz Can Crushed Pineapple in juice
• 1/4 Cup Chopped Pecans
• Mini-Marshmallows
• Canola oil
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Peel and quarter the sweet potatoes.
2. Toss the potatoes in ~1 Tbs of oil, put into a shallow roasting pan, salt & pepper the potatoes, and roast in a 400 degree oven for 1 hour. Turn the potatoes after ~40 minutes. Potatoes are done when a knife easily penetrates the potato.

This is how your potatoes will look after they are roasted. 

The dark parts are fine - in fact, that's good flavor!

3. Put the roasted potatoes in a bowl and mash them up - the consistency is up to you, but I beat the shit out of them.
4. Add melted butter, milk, pineapple (and juice), and pecans*, and stir to combine.

Potatoes ready for oven. Butter, milk, pineapple, and pecans mixed-in. Cover with foil and bake for 20 mins. OR, cover with plastic and park in the fridge until your oven is ready.

5. Pour into a small/medium casserole dish, cover, and bake at 400 degrees for ~20 minutes.
6. Remove foil, top with mini-marshamallows, and return to the oven (uncovered) until the marshmallows brown slightly (about 10 minutes)
7. Evacuate from the oven and put some on your Thanksgiving plate. No room on your plate? Put the dinner roll on-top of the turkey - there, I just found 4 square inches of space.

FAQs

• I hate sweet potatoes. Will I like this? >> Yeah, probably. I have hated sweet potatoes for decades, especially the marshmallow-topped version. With the roasted potatoes and the salt and pepper, it becomes something more delicious. Give it a try.
• Why is there an asterisk* by the pecans? >> You should "toast" those nuts. Just put them in a non-stick skillet over medium heat for a few minutes - toss every minute or two. When they are warmed-through and you can smell nuts, you're done. Don't burn them, dammit, that's not good flavor.

Preview: Thanksgiving

Hey, Fat Kid!

Here's the Thanksgiving 2011 Menu:

• Turkey
• Stuffing
• Mashed Potatoes
• Sweet Potato Casserole
• Corn
• Broccoli Casserole
• Gravy
• Rolls
• Alcohol
• Football

This weekend I'm going to make a turkey stock from turkey wings, which will make all my dishes "that" much better.

I'll follow-up in the next week with the recipes. Mashed potatoes is something that I've already posted to wide acclaim.

Recipe: Scrambled Eggs w/ Bacon

Sunday is usually the "fancy breakfast day" around here, and more times than not I make scrambled eggs w/ bacon. Most people serve their eggs and bacon side by side, but that's not how I do it.

This isn't how I do it either. Eggs in a can, WTF?!? Seriously, the recipe below is easier than opening, making, and digesting eggs from a can...

Scrambled Eggs w/ Bacon

Serves 4 hungry hungry hippos

INGREDIENTS

• 1/2 lb bacon - chopped small (see note)
• 8-12 eggs (depends on hunger)
• 3/4 Cup half & half (may need more depending on eggs)
• 1 Tbs butter
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large frying pan, cook the bacon pieces over medium heat until almost crisp (a little leathery, but done)
2. Meanwhile, into a large bowl, crack the desired number of eggs. Whisk to break-up the eggs. Add half & half and whisk to homogenize
3. When the bacon is done, using a slotted spoon, evacuate the bacon to a paper towel-lined plate to reserve for later.
4. Dump the bacon grease into the sink, but retain some in the bottom of the pan - that's the flavor. Return the filthy frying pan to the butner and add the 1 Tbs butter and allow to melt.
5. Dump-in the eggs and begin gently stirring. Stir the eggs until curds begin to form on the bottom of the pan. As more and more curds form, scrape these off the bottom and keep stirring. It's this stirring action that will cook ALL the eggs to a delicious consistency.
6. When the eggs are almost complete, add the bacon and cook together until complete. Done.
7. Put on yo plate and shove in yo mouth!

FAQs

• Bacon chopping? >> Cutting bacon can be tough - especially when the bacon is fully softened. My trick is to use bacon that was in the freezer, and thawing it only slightly. If you have thawed bacon, try putting it in the freezer for 30 minutes or so before chopping. This should make it easier
• Why a paper towel-lined plate? >> I'm helping you with clean-up for later. If you put bacon on a paper towel, the towel will soak-up the grease and keep the kitchen neat and orderly. If we do it your way, we'll all be slipping on bacon grease for the next few days - definitely sub-optimal.

This is Why You're Drunk: Badass Manhattan

Let's get this straight right away: I know that the "typical" Manhattan recipe is 2:1 whiskey to vermouth plus a shot of bitters. I see two problems with this recipe:

• Not enough whiskey
• Too many bitters

So I've developed the preferred recipe. In a bar I'll drink whatever comes in the glass, but when I'm home in my jammies, and the Manhattan nightmares come creeping, this is what I use to drown them

I'm gonna enjoy this...

Badass Manhattan

3 parts bourbon (ahem, quality matters. Try Woodford Reserve - it's real good)

1 part sweet vermouth

1 cherry

Cherry juice

Ice

1. Fill a cocktail shaker half-full with ice
2. Enter the alcohol (bourbon & vermouth)
3. Stir - don't shake
4. Drop a cherry and a little juice (maybe 1/2 tsp?) into a clean cocktail glass (you know, a martini glass)
5. Strain your liquor into the glass
6. Enjoy with friends (or alone - I won't judge you)

That's it!

FAQs

• Is that it? >> Yeah, it's simple. I saw some receipes for super-complex Manhattans out there, but are you really going to spend 30 minutes caramelizing pears and all that nonsense? No, you are not.
• Do you really put a full part of vermouth in your Manhattan? >> Well, no, I don't. I usually put ~3/4 of a part of vermouth. I guess I prefer the taste of bourbon to the taste of vermouth - sue me.

Recipe: Chili

This chili just took second place in the chili cookoff at work, and won the coveted "People's Choice" award (boom, $25 gift card for me!). Why am I teaching you a second-place chili? Because I think the judges were full of shit - this is a FIRST PLACE CHILI, DAMMIT! Their Midwestern taste buds can go piss up a rope!

Make this for your chili cookoff, and see how it cleans-up. Respect, riches, and women: all waiting to be won through the simple preparation of beef, onions, and spices. Read-on.

Chili: simple and good. Make some up today

Beef Chili

Makes ~1 gallon - serves... 3?

INGREDIENTS

• 2 medium onions, diced
• 1 red bell pepper, diced
• 6 cloves garlic, minced (about 2 Tbs)
• 1/4 cup chili powder
• 1 Tbs cumin
• 2 tsp ground coriander
• 1 tsp red pepper flake
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
• 2 lbs ground beef
• 2 cans (15 oz) dark red kidney beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 can (28 oz) diced tomatoes
• 1 can (28 oz) crushed tomatoes
• Salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1. In a large pot, heat 2 Tbs vegetable oil until shimmering. Add onion, garlic, red bell pepper, chili powder, cumin, coriander, oregano, red pepper flake, and cayenne pepper. Cook until onion and bell pepper are tender – about 10 minutes.
2. Stir-in beef, breaking-up pieces, and cook until beef turns brown – about 5 minutes.
3. Add beans, tomatoes, and 1/2 tsp salt. Bring to a boil and then reduce heat to low, cover, and cook for about 60 minutes, stirring occasionally. After one hour, remove lid and continue to cook for 30 more minutes.
4. Done, you may eat now.

STORAGE OPTIONS

• Sure, this is a good dish to enjoy right away, but it's so much better the next day.
• Short-term storage: I transfer this into two 1/2 gallon mason jars, and park it in the fridge. It should keep up to two weeks in the fridge before you will have to worry about bacterial invasion, but if this is in the fridge for two weeks, dude, are you really interested in eating chili?
• Long-term storage: I put the chili in a pint sized mason jar, and then pour that into a zip-top freezer bag (the mason jar is just for measuring ease). Then I seal the bag and lay it flat in the freezer. Once frozen, I can pile the chili bags in a stack, or line them up like books on a shelf. Ingenious! I have no idea how long they will last in the freezer - probably depends on you and your nasty habits.

FAQs

• That’s it? >> Yeah, this is a pretty simple recipe, but oh boy, it’s good!
• There are beans in your "chili," are you serious? >> Yeah. This isn't some "Texas styled meat condiment," it's a chili, and my chili has beans.
• What do you serve it with? >> This chili is great with just a few broken crackers, but you can make it into an event: shredded cheese, raw chopped onion, sour cream, and whatever else your twisted mind can think-up
• This is too easy - other chili makers seem to spend so much time and effort - what gives? >> Those people are wasting their time. Long cooking is meant to tenderize tough cuts of meat (ground beef - hello!). Just make this and reap the rewards