Thanksgiving Turkey

Sure, everyone loves the sides, but the turkey is the star of the show.

Cook this right, and your family will stop taking about you behind your back

Thanksgiving Turkey
20 lb turkey should serve 10-12 (they say 1 lb per person, but that's bullshit - no one eats bones)

INGREDIENTS

• 12-20 lb turkey, fresh if possible (you can also use a frozen turkey, but this will require days of prep work: you need to plan for thawing. This takes 3-5 days in the fridge, 6-10 hours using the cold water method). Note: I vote "bigger is better here." Thanksgiving leftovers are the reason you decided to host this year
• 1 stick of butter, softened
• 2 lemons, halved
• 2 onions, quartered
• 4 cups water
• Bunch of fresh thyme
• Salt and pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Remove turkey giblets and neck from the cavity - you can either use those for something else or thrown them away (we won't need them here)
2. Rinse the turkey well and pat-dry. Generously salt the inside of the turkey (like, 3-4 Tbs of kosher salt)
3. Squeeze the lemon halves into the turkey. Stuff squeezed lemon halves, 4 onion quarters, and bunch of thyme into the bird. Tie the ends of the legs together with a piece of kitchen string*
4. Position the turkey in a rack inside a roasting pan.
5. Rub the turkey with the stick of butter - yes, the whole stick. Wash your hands 3-4x to get that butter off (gross)
6. Salt & pepper the outside of the turkey. Pour water and remaining 4 onion quarters into the bottom of the roasting pan. Roast in a 325 degree oven until the temperature in the deepest part of the breast registers 170 degrees (about 4 hours). Check after two hours, then after one hour, then every 30 mins thereafter - don't let this turkey overcook, dammit!
7. Remove from oven. Take the entire rack with turkey on it from the roasting pan and put on a half-sheet pan (cookie sheet), and cover loosely with foil for 30 minutes. This is the rest, and it is very important.
8. Use pan drippings to make gravy (another recipe)
9. After rest, carve the turkey and eat.

FAQs

• What is the deal with "kitchen sting?" >> Make sure you use something that won't fray or affect your food. Remember the blue soup from Bridget Jones' Diary? Don't let that happen
• What if I want to cook stuffing INSIDE the bird? >> Then this is not your recipe. I don't cook stuffing in the bird, and neither should you. It will extend the amount of time needed to get this bird to the correct temperature, and increase the risk of dry turkey. Dry turkey sucks.
• How do I reserve the pan drippings? >> When the turkey is done, pour the juice into a large glass measuring cup. Or, if you have a gravy separator, use that (this is it's time to shine!) Let it sit for a while, the fat will rise to the top (you can speed the separation by putting the juice in the fridge), and then you can skim it off with a spoon, or, if you have a gravy separator, you can pour gently and the flavorful juices will pour and the fat will be left - brilliant!
• What about basting? >> I don't baste. The problem with basting is that you're not adding any moisture back into the meat. AND, with opening the oven door so many times, you're lowering the temperature of the oven, and extending the amount of time the bird will need to cook - increasing the risk of getting a dry turkey (again)
• What's the best way to carve? >> With an electric knife, I like to first remove the legs and thighs. Then I cut-off both breasts as a whole. Once the breast is removed, you can slice it easily. Carving at the table is for Norman Rockwell paintings - I want it done right for eating, not for art.

Thanksgiving Timeline

We're getting closer and closer to zero-hour. What should your schedule look like? Good question, let's go-through the steps:

If you don't have a good schedule - the day might get away from you

Remember the menu:

• Turkey
• Stuffing
• Mashed potatoes
• Sweet potatoes
• Cranberry sauce
• Rolls
• Corn
• etc.

The rolls and corn are easy last-minute items; we need a plan to address the other items.

Turkey: I buy fresh, so there is no thawing, but if you buy frozen, make sure you buy with ample time to thaw. According to the Butterball people, you'll need 3 full days to thaw a 12 lb mini-turkey in the fridge and 5 days to thaw a 20 pounder. If you've already blown the schedule, you can cold-water thaw a 12 lb turkey in 6 hours and a 20 lb turkey in 10.

Stuffing: This is mostly a "day-of" activity, but you can cut the bread the day before and store in plastic storage bags.

Mashed potatoes & sweet potatoes: Day-of.

Cranberry sauce: This can and should be made the day before. Hooray, TIME SAVER!

Other: Any other casseroles you're planning to make can likely be made early - check the recipe for anything that looks like it will be trouble. But this is the reason like to make casseroles - they are mostly foolproof.

Ok, let's talk schedule and timing. I'm going to assume that you're eating dinner at 4:00 pm. The Bears game is at 11:30 CT and should end in triumph ~2:30. And this will give you ~90 mins to finish-up the cooking without missing any of the glorious action.

BEFORE WEDNESDAY of THANKSGIVING

• If you've bought a frozen bird, put it in the fridge at a time that will allow it to be thawed by Thursday morning. (20 lb should be in the fridge on Saturday morning, 12 lb can wait until Monday)
• Do your shopping. If you plan it right, you can have everything you need well in advance, and not have to do battle at the supermarket for the last pound of butter.

WEDNESDAY of THANKSGIVING

• Cranberry sauce
• Cut-up bread for stuffing
• The time is not important for these tasks - just fit them somewhere in your day. Remember: since you're cooking, you're allowed to tip-back a few and bask in the hazy insobriety of a holiday
• Get any cold-temp wines into the fridge (kids cold duck and any white/rose wines)
• Set the table (or have someone set the table - my wife will be handling all the preparations, which frees me from having to worry about all that happy horseshit)

THANKSGIVING

• 6:00 am: you've slept long enough
• 6:00 - 7:00: Shit/shower/shave - get coffee - eat something for breakfast - might I recommend a Thanksgiving Bloody Mary?

Thanksgiving Bloody Mary Recipe

• Just like a regular Bloody Mary, but on Thanksgiving morning. If you're cooking, the family will have to work-around you and your alcohol consumption
• Try to limit it to 2: you will be handling knives, fire, and people's food

• 7:00 - 7:15: Check that you have everything you need for the day
• Food
• Utensils
• Wine (Beaujolais is the classic Thanksgiving wine, but I'm going with a pink moscato this year)
• Whatnot
• If you're missing anything, make a list and send someone you trust to go get them
• 7:15 - 7:30: Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees
• 7:30 - 8:30: Roast the sweet potatoes. Why so early? So you can get those out of the way before you put the turkey in there. Some people would say, "Hey, roast the potatoes while the turkey is cooking." To those people, I say, "Hey, dumbass, I want to limit the amount of opening and closing of the oven while the turkey is cooking. Now, STFU, and get out of my kitchen!"
• 8:30: Lower oven temp to 250 degrees. Put roasted sweet potatoes aside for later. Don't worry about putting them in the fridge, let them cool to room temp, and you can prepare the casserole later
• 8:30 - 9:15: 
• Bake the cut-up bread for stuffing at 250 degrees for 45-60 mins
• Prep the veggies that need to be cut
• Onion for stuffing - store in a plastic bag in the fridge
• Celery for stuffing - store in a plastic bag in the fridge
• Note: there's a lot of slack time here. It doesn't take 30 mins to cut an onion and a few stalks of celery, but you'll need a little slack time to make sure things aren't getting fucked-up
• 9:15 - 10:00: 
• Check the bread - if it's done at 9:15, remove it from the oven and put aside (in a large bowl), otherwise let it finish for 10-15 more mins
• Prep the turkey
• Remove from fridge
• Remove giblets and neck from cavity
• Rinse and pat-dry
• 9:45 raise the oven temperature to 325 degrees
• Cut-up lemon/onion for inside the bird
• Finish getting turkey ready for oven
• 10:00: Put the turkey in the oven
• 10:00 - 3:00: Cook the turkey (this is the time for a 20 lb bird - a smaller turkey will cook faster, so adjust your "in-oven" time as necessary)
• You will check the bird at noon, 1:00, and 2:00 to see how it's going. If you do this right, the turkey will cook a little faster than you expect: this is fine, it's easy to keep turkey warm after it's cooked
• 10:00 - 10:30: Make the stuffing (saute vegetables, mix with bread, put in baking dish, put baking dish aside until later)
• 10:30 - 11:00: Make the sweet potatoes (toast the pecans, mash the potatoes, mix together with everything, put in baking dish, put baking dish aside until later)
• 11:00 - 11:30: Clean-up a little. Crack a beer. Stake-out a comfortable place to watch the game.
• 11:30 - 2:30: Bears game - GO BEARS!
• Check turkey at noon, 1:00, and 2:00. Set a timer so you don't forget
• 2:30: 
• Turkey will be done very soon (if not already). When it's done, remove from oven, put in a safe place, and cover with foil. This is called "resting," and is necessary. You should rest the turkey for 30 mins. You can stretch this to 60 mins if the bird is wrapped carefully and kept warm
• If the turkey is done too early, you can either step-up the dinner and eat earlier, or carve the turkey after 60 min rest, and put the cut turkey into the warm oven to keep warm
• Pour the pan drippings from the turkey in a glass measuring cup and let sit. You might use these for gravy 
• 2:30: Raise the oven temperature to 375 degrees.
• 2:30 - 3:30:
• Start the mashed potatoes: peel and cut-up potatoes, put in water, boil/simmer for 40 mins
• Cook the stuffing. Put the stuffing on the lower rack - you will cook something above the stuffing soon
• 3:00: Take the cranberry sauce out of the fridge - you don't want it to be too cold: it will hurt grandpa's sensitive tooth!
• 3:00 - 3:30:
• Cook the sweet potatoes. Put on the rack above the stuffing. The recipe calls for 400 degrees for 20 mins, we're going to do 375 degrees for 30 mins. Check after 20 mins to see that it's not getting crusty on top
• Start the gravy. By now, if the pan drippings show any promise, the fat will have separated from the juice. Remove as much fat as possible (you can do this with a spoon - a little fat leftover is ok) and it's ready to use.
• 3:15: The mashed potatoes should be soft and ready to rice. Do it. Put potatoes into something decorative and cover to keep warm
• 3:30 - 4:00:
• Cook the corn (simple, in a pot with a little water, covered, should take 10-15 mins total)
• "Brown" the brown n serve rolls (check the instructions on the package and follow)
• 4:00: Eat.

Wow, when you see it all written-out like this, it is a TON OF SHIT! You should feel proud if you can pull this off. Remember: half-witted people have been cranking-out Thanksgiving dinners for generations - you should be able to make this happen.

Thanksgiving: Stuffing

Another step on the road to Thanksgiving success: stuffing or dressing. I suppose you can call it "stuffing" if you cook it in the bird and "dressing" if you don't. I'm from Chicago - we call it "stuffing" here regardless. And no, you won't cook this in the bird.

"Why not?"

There are two reasons: one good reason and one medium reason:

• Good reason: cooking stuffing in the bird will extend the amount of time you will need to get the turkey to done. The longer the bird cooks, the dryer it will get. In-bird stuffing creates a dry turkey :(
• Medium reason: eating stuffing that was in close-contact with a dead bird carcass increases the risk of bacterial problems - even for a carefully cooked dinner. I don't really worry about that because I am hearty and hale; but your weakened relations might be on the edge. Wait, this might be the perfect opportunity to speed a few family members to Valhalla - I'll have to think about this...

Bad-Ass Stuffing
Serves 10-12 "responsible" adults; fewer fat people

Another place to pour some gravy? Thanks!

INGREDIENTS

• 2 lb sandwich bread (this year, I'm using a mix of white and wheat)
• 4 Tbs butter (you're in the big leagues now!)
• 1 large onion, chopped fine
• 3 celery stalks, chopped fine
• 2 Tbs fresh thyme, minced
• 2 Tbs fresh sage, minced
• 2 1/2 cups turkey stock
• 3 eggs
• 3 Tbs fresh parsley, chopped
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Cut bread into 1/2" cubes, spread on two half-sheet pans, and cook in a 250 degree oven for 45-60 minutes. The goal is to dry-out the bread cubes, but not turn them into croutons. Stir the bread cubes every 10 minutes or so - they're done when the edges have dried, but the centers are still a little soft. Put the bread into a large (seriously, LARGE) bowl. THIS CAN BE DONE THE DAY BEFORE! If so, store the bread in large plastic bags until the next day.
2. Melt butter in a skillet over medium heat. When foaming subsides, add the onion, celery, and 1/2 tsp salt, and cook until tender - about 8 minutes. Add thyme, sage, and 1 tsp black pepper, and cook for another 30 seconds - just to wake-up the herbs. Add 1 cup turkey broth and heat to simmer.
3. Stir the vegetable/broth mix into the bowl of bread cubes - toss to combine.
4. Meanwhile, in another bowl, mix eggs, remaining 1 1/2 cups of broth, parsley, and 1 tsp salt. Add to bread mix and toss to combine.
5. Grease a 9x13 baking dish with butter. Add stuffing mixture to the baking dish and bake at 375 degrees for 60 minutes. 
6. Done. You can fluff it with a fork to make it easier to serve.

FAQs

• What is sandwich bread? >> You know, "sandwich bread." The kind of bread you would use in a sandwich. You want something with a finer texture. You know Italian bread or French bread? Those are no good - too many air holes.
• What's the best way to cut the bread? I have shitty knives >> I recommend a serrated knife for this job. Also, you can let the bread sit on the counter for a bit to slightly dry-out. That should make it a little easier to cut.
• What if I didn't follow your recommendations and don't have turkey stock? >> Well, that's a shame, but they do sell turkey stock at the grocery store - especially around Thanksgiving. Or, you can use chicken stock. Lame, but people will still know it's stuffing.
• I like in-the-bird stuffing: it tastes more like turkey >> Using turkey stock should help that. You can also bake the stuffing with cooked turkey on-top: cook a turkey wing in a skillet over medium-high heat for ~5 minutes per side. Put the cooked wing on-top of the stuffing while it's baking in the oven. The juices and "essence" from the turkey wing will drip into the stuffing. Discard the wing before serving (give it to the dog). To me, it sounds like too much work, but you might be just the kind of person who wants to bark-up that tree - good luck!

Thanksgiving: Turkey Stock

There are a lot of things that need to happen in-order for you to escape from Thanksgiving holding your head high - pride in a job well done. Turkey stock is the first.

"Why first?"

First, because I said so. Second, because you will need the stock for the stuffing and the gravy. Also, turkey stock can be made weeks before (I'm making mine the weekend before), and will turn a one/two day cooking sprint into a week-long cooking marathon. Then you can proclaim to your health-conscious friends, "Yes, I did a marathon this year." (now fuck off!)

I've already published a turkey stock recipe as a part of the turkey gravy recipe, but let's give this special attention:

1.5 gallons of turkey stock. Ready for gravy and stuffing

Turkey Stock
Makes 1.5 gallons (should be enough for 1 Thanksgiving)

INGREDIENTS

• Various turkey parts (I use necks and wings)
• 2 onions
• 2 carrots
• 2 celery stalks
• salt
• 6-10 whole peppercorns

Carrot: don't bother peeling, just wash

Onion: peel and cut-off top and bottom

Celery: wash - you can leave-the tops on

INSTRUCTIONS

1. With your biggest and scariest kitchen knife, BEAT THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF THOSE TURKEY PARTS! The goal is to open-up the bones so the stock can take what it needs from them. It's all about the bones.
2. Put the turkey parts in a pan, coat with ~1 Tbs vegetable oil, sprinkle with some salt, and roast in a 400 degree oven for 1 hour. This will allow your stock to benefit from the roasty flavors you're about to drop all up in there.

Put into a roasting pan, cover with oil, sprinkle with salt, roast at 400 for 60 minutes

3. Meanwhile, halve 2 onions, 2 celery ribs, and 2 carrots, and drop into a large pot (your largest) with the whole peppercorns.
4. When the turkey parts are roasted, add them to the pot and then add 1.5 gallons or enough water to cover everything by an inch or two (whichever is more) and cover.

Dump the turkey from the roasting pan into the pot. Check-out all the left-over bits (fond) from the roasting pan. DON'T LOSE IT! Put a little water in the pan, use a spatula to scrape-up the bits, and add those to the stock. That's good flavor - it'll be a shame to lose it

5. Bring up to a boil, and then drop the heat to just under a simmer for 3 hours. "Skew" the lid -- which means to slide it open just a bit. This will retain the heat, but allow some steam to escape (prevent boil-overs). If the liquid drops below the ingredients, add enough water to cover by an inch or two.
6. Pour the stock through a fine mesh strainer or cheesecloth and store it. You are ready for Thanksgiving success with homemade stock.

I used a measuring cup to transfer the stock from the pot to a large bowl - through a wire mesh strainer with a three-ply piece of cheesecloth. Make a clean stock!

FAQs

• Turkey parts, are you serious? >> Yeah, you can't make a stock without parts. I like the necks and wings because there's a good amount of bone and connective tissue there, and that's what will make you a good stock. BONUS FOR DOG: when the stock is complete, you can pull-off the meat from the neck and wings and use it to supplement the dog's dinner - he'll love you forever
• Roast the turkey, are you serious? >> Yeah, turkey gravy is dark. You won't have dark gravy without a dark stock. You won't have a dark stock unless you roast them parts. So get on it!
• Onion, carrots, celery, and peppercorns - is that it? I thought there'd be more things >> Nope, that's it. I have seen the addition of a bouquet garni (French for "garnished bouquet"), but didn't think you had it in you... If so, tie some parsley sprigs, thyme sprigs, and a few bay leaves together with some kitchen string, and drop it in the stock. Be sure to remove it at the end. It's a nice addition, but the stock will still be good without it.
• How do I store this and for how long? >> You can store this in the fridge for up to a week. So, if you make it the weekend before Thanksgiving, park it in the fridge. Otherwise, you can pour it into quart sized bags (2 cups of stock per bag) and lay them flat in the freezer. They will freeze flat like book, and can then be stored like a library of stocks in your freezer - awesome, no?
• How sober and attentive will I need to be to make the stock? >> Not very. I made while watching the Bears game.

Thanksgiving: What Will You Need to Pull This Off?

Let's plan ahead. How will you cook all the food that you will need to serve to your hungry hungry hippos - or hungry hungry family.

Will you have to go-broke buying extra cookware? No, but it's fun!

What hardware will you need?

• 2 gallon stock pot (or bigger)
• To make turkey stock
• To make mashed potatoes
• For some reason, most cookware sizes in the US are measured in quarts: 2 gallons = 8 quarts.
• Roasting pan
• For the turkey. If your roasting pan is a little rusted/pitted at the bottom, you should just go buy a throw-away foil one from the grocery store. $5 max, and clean-up is a non-issue. If you have a $200 All-Clad one from your bridal shower, use it - this is it's one time per year appearance. Only 39 more times before it becomes a bargain over the throw-away foil pan.
• Cheap roasting pan
• To roast the sweet potatoes. You can certainly break-out the All-Clad, but if you have a cheap metal cake pan or glass 13x9 baking dish - it will do the job
• Attractive baking dish
• For stuffing. You will want to bake the stuffing in a dish that can be put on the table
• Ricer
• For mashed potatoes. My recipe calls for the cooked potatoes to be "riced." A ricer is a hand-held press that squishes the potatoes through small rice-sized holes. This action results in the most tender potatoes possible. Some people use a potato masher - perish the thought - what is this, a penitentiary?

Ricer on the left; masher on the right

• Half-sheet pan (a.k.a. cookie sheet)
• For stuffing. You will toast the bread in the half-sheet pan.
• For the brown n serve rolls. We're not making home-made bread - we have enough to do
• Medium saucepan
• For cranberry sauce
• Gravy boat
• If you're ready to cook Thanksgiving, you're ready to own a gravy boat
• Big-ass knife
• For chopping
• And murder, if necessary
• Some other things you'll need:
• Tin foil: don't try to wheeze-past with regular foil - get heavy duty!
• Paper towels: it's going to get messy. Be ready for clean-up
• Gallon-sized plastic zip-top bags: for leftovers and whatnot
• Kitchen string: you'll want to tie the turkey legs together while cooking; pick-up some string
• Anything else can likely be accomplished with the stuff you already have lying around

Thanksgiving: The Most ... Wonderful Time ... of the Year!

Since I want your Thanksgiving to be successful, and filled with warm memories, I'm putting-together a series of posts about Thanksgiving, and how you can make yours as good as mine (good luck, losers)

A bird this ugly should be eaten with your eyes closed

The Plan

Many people take a casual approach to cooking. Well, that shit won't fly for Thanksgiving. "Casual" is beer-league softball; this is the World Series. Get your A-game or GTFO!

Let's start Thanksgiving week by thinking of what we want to accomplish:

• Time-off from work - ok
• Warm family moments - I guess
• Football games (watch the Lions lose) - yes, I like this (GO BEARS!)
• Kick-ass food that will be remembered fondly forever - YES YES YES, THIS IS YOUR GOAL!!
• Get ready for Black Friday shopping - WTF? We put-up the tree that day.

With a clear objective, we're good to go. Let's talk about this year's menu:

• Turkey: the star of the show
• Sides: collectively, just as important as the bird
• Stuffing: oh yeah
• Mashed potatoes: required
• Sweet potatoes: usually lame, but I will teach you to make them good
• Corn: you need your vegetables
• Rolls: helps to clean-up the plate
• Cranberry sauce/jelly: I love the can-shaped cranberry jelly tube, but this year I'm adding a cranberry sauce. They will compete for my love
• Gravy: let's take a moment for gravy... OMG, a Thanksgiving without gravy is like a - well, there's no metaphor/simile that can finish this sentence. You simply cannot have Thanksgiving without a gravy. Period.

A note about the menu: you can see that there is no green bean casserole, no relish tray, and no dessert. Those things are all good - have your guests bring something (note: for 2014, mother-in-law is bringing broccoli casserole and dessert)

Since we can't cook everything at once, we'll need to project plan this MoFo to make sure we don't fuck things up. Here's the order we'll move forward:

Before Thanksgiving:

• Turkey stock (weekend before)
• Cranberry sauce (day before - or earlier)
• Begin the stuffing (day before)
• You might be able to prep some veggies the day before, but I am expert with the knife and like to do this as-needed on the day-of

Thanksgiving Day:

• Which leaves everything else for the day of
• You knew it wasn't going to be easy: sack-up, and get to work

I'll talk about detailed schedules in the recipes themselves. 

Don't get discouraged! Even you, with my expert help and attention, can probably craft a meal that will improve your worth and reputation. Let's get to it!

This is Why You're Drunk: The Boulevardier

My typical cocktail, for the past 5 years, has been the Manhattan - simple, classic, trustworthy. But, in an effort to broaden my potable horizons, I branched-out a bit:

The Boulevardier

it's basically a Negroni with bourbon - what a great idea!

I should have used a smaller orange

INGREDIENTS

Note: the Bouevardier pictured above is actually a double - don't judge me

• 1.5 oz Bourbon (go with Maker's or better)
• 1 oz Sweet Vermouth (use Carpano Antica Formula - it's the best)
• 1 oz Campari
• Orange/Lemon garnish or zest

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Put ice & liquor in a cocktail shaker
2. Shake shake shake
3. Pour into cocktail glass
4. Garnish with the citrus of your choosing
5. Drink with friends, family, or acquaintances - or alone in the supply closet at the office (it'll be our secret)

VARIATIONS

• I have seen the recipe call for Rye whisky - that's cool, go for it
• I have also seen the recipe call to be served in an old fashioned glass over ice. That's ok too - I guess. I mean, it's your liver - kill it however you want. I like the genteel sophistication of a martini glass

FAQs

• Why is this called "The Boulevardier?" >> No clue - even after reading this confusing article about the birth of this beverage

Recipe: Competition Chili

Hello friends. I already have an excellent recipe posted, which is fast and easy, BUT for competition, you need to bring a little something extra. Here's what I'll be making for the workplace chili contest on Monday, October 20, 2014:

Too bad you can't taste this... 

Bad Ass Competition Chili
Makes approx. 1 gallon

INGREDIENTS

• 3 each: guajilo, ancho, and pasilla chiles
• 1.5 lbs short ribs (cut the meat from the bones)
• 2 lbs ground beef
• 1 28 oz can diced tomato
• 1 28 oz can crushed tomato
• 1 6 oz can tomato paste
• 2 15 oz cans dark red kidney beans, drained and rinsed
• 2 Tbs whole cumin (seeds)
• 2 tsp ground coriander
• 2 tsp oregano
• 1 tsp red pepper flake
• 1/2 tsp cayenne
• 1 red pepper, diced small
• 2 large onions, diced
• 2 Tbs minced garlic
• Some chicken broth
• Canola oil
• Salt

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Remove seeds from chiles, cut into small pieces, toast lightly in a skillet, set aside
2. Toast cumin seeds in same skillet. Set aside
3. Grind cumin seeds in a mortar and pestle or spice grinder - get 1 Tbs
4. Rehydrate chiles in hot/boiling water for 20-30 mins
5. Put chiles in the blender along with spices (cumin, coriander, red pepper flake, cayenne, garlic,  oregano) and enough of the chile rehydration water to make a paste.
6. Process into paste. Add chile water as needed to keep it moving
7. Brown short ribs in the dutch oven. Be sure to get a shitload of color on those ribs - all sides. Remove and cut into small pieces.
8. Cook onions and red pepper in same pot - don't clean-out the fond form the short ribs. Cook until softened - about 6 mins.
9. Add ground beef and cook until brown. About 6-8 mins
10. Add tomato paste and stir through. Allow the mixture to "cook" the paste a bit on the bottom of the pot - about 5 minutes
11. Add pepper paste, tomato products, beans, and cut-up short ribs. Stir
12. Drop heat to low, and simmer for ~60 mins with the lid on. Stir from time to time
13. Remove or skew the lid and cook for another 30-45 mins.
14. Done. For best results, cool and rest overnight. It will be better the following day.

NOTES

• Do I really need to use dried chiles? >> Only if you want to win.

Here's what the chiles look like. The ancho is like a big raisin

Recipe: Potato Salad

Now that summer's over, it's time to show you what you should have been eating for the past 3 months. Also, give you 9 months to get ready for next summer!

Mmm, potato salad. Tastes like America!

Potato Salad
Serves 8

INGREDIENTS

• 5 lb Red Potatoes, peeled and halved
• 6 Eggs, hard boiled
• 4 Stalks Celery, chopped
• 1/2 Onion, diced
• 1+ Cup Mayonnaise
• 2+ Tbs Dill Pickle Relish
• 1-2 tsp Celery Salt
• Salt & Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Boil the potatoes: put the peeled and halved potatoes in a pot, cover barely with water, cover, and boil for ~15 mins until they a pricked easily with a knife, but still hold their shape.
2. Drain the potatoes: when the potatoes are finished, drain the water from the pot and replace with cold water (do this 2x) - you want to cool the potatoes so you can cut them.
3. Cut the potatoes: into bite-sized pieces and put into a large bowl.
4. Boil the eggs: put the eggs in a small/medium saucepan, cover with 1" of water, cover, and set to boil. When the water is boiling vigorously, turn off the heat and allow the eggs to set for 12 mins. Done.
5. Peel the eggs: when the eggs are cooked, drain the water from the saucepan. When the water is gone from the pot, agitate the pot so the egg shalls crack slightly. Fill the pot with cold water (this is to cool the eggs). You can also add ice to speed the process. When the eggs are cooled, peel. If you pre-cracked the eggs in the pot, it will be easier to peel - the water will have seeped-in and made the shell "loose."
6. Cut the eggs: cut four of the eggs into twelfths and then slice the other two eggs.
7. Mix everything: potatoes, celery, onion, relish, mayo, 4 chopped eggs, and celery salt - stir those together in a bowl (gently). Check seasoning, and add the appropriate amount of salt & pepper.
8. Top with the artfully sliced hard boiled eggs - that looks great!

RECIPE NOTES

• My grandma boils the potatoes with the skin on and then peels them later >> Yeah, well, I find it easier to peel first.
• Why not peel and cut the potatoes before boiling? >> Boiling small potato pieces tends to wash-out the potato flavor. The goal is to boil the largest-sized potato pieces possible. I cut in half because that will speed the process without washing-out the flavor.
• What kind of mayo should I use? >> Some people like Miracle Whip: traitors. I use Kraft Mayonnaise, and so should you.

Recipe: Beef Stroganoff

What's badass? Eating a satisfying pile of comfort food. This time, load-up on some Russian heritage - BEEF STROGANOFF!

Mmm, beef stroganoff on a plate. Plus corn - brilliant!

Beef Stroganoff
Serves 4

INGREDIENTS

• 2 lb boneless Beef Roast (chuck roast is good)
• 16 oz Beef Stock
• 8 oz Chicken Stock
• 16 oz Mushrooms, sliced
• 1 Onion, sliced or diced
• 3 Tbs Flour
• 4 Tbs Butter
• 12 oz Sour Cream
• 12 oz Egg Noodles
• Salt & Pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. While the roast is partially frozen, cut into 1/8" thick strips against the grain. The roast is easier to slice when it's partially frozen. The length/width of the strip is up to you, but 1/8" is the right thickness.
2. Heat a large skillet to high. Add ~1 Tbs vegetable oil and cook beef until brown. Flip and cook the second side. It will take ~2-3 minutes to cook the first side and less on the second side. Be sure to NOT crowd the pan - which means you might want to cook the beef in 2+ batches (depending on the size of yo skillet). When cooked, evacuate the beef to a ready bowl.
3. In the same skillet, lower the heat and add the onion. You may need to add a little oil if the pan has dried-out. Cook until softened slightly (5 mins). Make a space in the middle and add the mushrooms. Cook until the mushrooms are softened (~5 mins).

Onions slightly cooked - add the mushrooms

Onions and mushrooms fully softened

4. Add butter and allow to melt. Add flour, stir to make a roux, and cook for a few mins. Add the beef broth and allow to thicken. Add beef and stir together. Check the thickness - chances are, the mixture will be pretty thick. Add chicken broth to get sauce to desired thickness - might not need all 8 oz of chicken broth.

Roux has been cooked and beef broth added. Check thickness and add chicken broth to reach desired consistency. You can do it.

5. Cook together for ~20 mins.
6. Meanwhile, start cooking the noodles - plan to have them finish when the beef mixture is complete.
7. When the beef mixture is finished, turn-off the heat. Add the sour cream and stir together. Check seasoning and add salt and pepper if needed. Ladle beef mixture over cooked noodles - as much as you like - start the diet tomorrow.

RECIPE NOTES

• Seems too easy. Are there any tricks? >> Nope, this is a simple one. Enjoy a triumphant return to comfort food.

ENDORSEMENTS

"Mmm, that's good stroganoff!" - Tsar Nicholas II

Recipe: Chopped Salad

WTF is chopped salad? It's good.

Chopped salad close-up. To your health!

INGREDIENTS

• 1 Red Bell Pepper; diced
• 1-2 Cucumbers; peeled, seeded, and diced
• 12 oz Snow Pea Pods; diced
• 1/2 Red Onion; diced and rinsed
• 1/4 Cup Sliced Green Onion
• 3-4 oz Bacon; cut-up
• 12 oz Ditalini (or other small ring pasta); cooked, drained, and cooled
• 2-3 oz Sharp Cheddar Cheese; diced
• 1 Small Head Romaine Lettuce; sliced thin
• 12-16 oz Cherry Tomatoes; halved
• 1 Can Chick Peas; drained and rinsed
• 1 Chicken Breast (~1/4 lb); cooked and cut into small pieces (optional)
• Dried Cranberries
• Creamy Italian Dressing

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Prepare the ingredients: everything should be about the same size - 1/4"


• Red pepper: instructions on another post (learn something)
• Red onion: after dicing the onion, put into a wire mesh strainer and rinse under cold water. This will remove some of the punch of the onion - otherwise, the salad will taste too onion-y
• Romaine lettuce: take-off the dirty outer leaves of the lettuce and cut the lettuce cross-wise into thin ribbons
• Cucumber: remove the seeds (I cut it into quarters lengthwise and then cut the "wedge" of seeds at the top of the triangle (see picture)), then dice the cucumber into the appropriate size and shape

Cut-along the dotted lines

• Chicken: brown the chicken in a skillet--both sides--and then cut into small pieces
• Bacon: fry the bacon until crisp and then cut/break into small pieces
• Ditalini: cook in salted water, drain, and rinse under cold water to cool. If you plan ahead, you can put it in the fridge to cool completely. I cooked a pound of pasta because I didn't know how much I needed and now have left-over pasta in the fridge (can add to soup)

Ditalini in its natural habitat

• The rest of the ingredients are self-explanatory

2. Mix
3. Eat (you can dress the salad all at once or dress individually)

RECIPE NOTES

• How much cranberry should I use? >> I used a "handful." It's a to-taste kind of thing - it adds a nice tangy sweetness. Now, the size of my impressive handful isn't the same as yours - so start with a Cup and go from there
• How much dressing? >> Another "to taste" ingredient. Use your best judgment

Recipe: Good Morning Egg Sandwich

I know what you're thinking, "OMIGOD, I should get this checked!" and "anyone can make an egg sandwich!" Yes, that's what I thought too, but here you are reading a recipe for egg sandwiches - genius.

Mmm, you know it's good because it's oozing all over the place

Simple* Egg Sandwich
Serves 1 (you will probably make another because it's so good)

INGREDIENTS

• One slice of ham (preferably Krakus or other Polish ham), cut in half*
• One slice American (or cheddar) cheese (I use Kraft Deli Deluxe, you can use whatever you like)
• One egg
• 2 slices of sandwich bread*
• 1 Tbs butter, plus a little more for spreading
• Salt & pepper

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Heat 1/2 of the butter in a non-stick skillet over medium-high heat until the butter is melted and stops foaming - that's how you know it's ready
2. Cook the ham in the butter until browned on one side (~90 seconds). Flip, and brown the second side (~40 seconds). Remove ham from skillet and set aside
3. Add the remaining butter and allow to melt.
4. Put the bread into the toaster, and start toasting.
5. Crack egg into skillet carefully - you want to preserve a nicely formed yolk. Brazenly cracking an egg into a pan might ruin this morning perfection.
6. Cook until the white is mostly set on the first side (~90 seconds)
7. Artfully flip the egg and cook the second side (~60 seconds). The goal is to cook the egg to between over-easy and over-medium, so adjust the cooking times as needed. You want the runny yolk, but you don't want a goddamn yolk disaster all over your fancy shirt and tie. By the way, you look great this morning!
8. When the toast is done, spread some butter (or margarine - I won't judge) over both pieces of toast on one side only (the inside of the sandwich).
9. Assembly: place the cooked ham on the bottom, slide the cooked egg on-top of the ham, add some salt & pepper, cheese on top of egg, then top bread.
10. Done - time to eat sandwich #1.

RECIPE NOTES

• "Simple?" What's that all about? >> This is a basic sandwich, and it's perfect. Don't fuck up a good thing by trying to make it fancy.
• Why do I need to cut ham in half? >> Polish ham in Chicago comes in rectangles, cutting ham in half will make two bread-sized squares. Job well done? Yes.
• Do I need to use "bread?" >> No. In fact, just this morning I made awesome egg sandwiches from left-over hamburger buns. I only toasted those on one side in the toaster (bagel setting, bitches)